just_somebody_that_i_used_to_know ledax What is the thing that makes me google stalk ex's when I should be sleeping? What do I want? What do I want to find? My story is different for each, but I suspect that every story is a lie, or at least, a pale self-deception. I want to know what he's doing. I want to know if he's happy. I want to know what he looks like now. I want to know...why? Not all of them even shut me out. I even stalk the ones that I shut out. When I do find some morsel of information, whether from hardcore googling, or the fact that they kindly emailed me back, am I satisfied? No. I used to see a pattern that I'd stalk when I was dissatisfied with my life or relationships in some way. I think that's typical. Makes sense, kind of. But it's not even that anymore. Other than the endless_heartbreak (which is not even really about my life, persay) everything's pretty cool. Or maybe it's just when I'm on the cusp of making a major life change. That matches the evidence, for now. Phew, maybe I can rest on that instead of wtfing myself into a tizzy. 130902 ... unhinged or thought i knew or thought i wanted to know fear held us back maybe we just werent right for each other endless_heartbreak for sure maybe i will never find someone right for me whatever that even means maybe i am too lazy too unyielding to have a real, lasting relationship maybe im supposed to be alone (thats not very comforting though) 130903 ... dexla you're still a person doing person stuff probably eating and sleeping and being in love or looking for love probably working and paying and buying and having fun or looking for fun maybe having the same old problems or maybe new problems breathing maybe (like me) you don't think of me 99% of the time, but every once and awhile, you wonder someone(s) I loved a lot... someone I was very attached to... is completely removed from my life. i'm forgetting what we did together. i'm forgetting what we did to each other... and it's for the best. there's nothing left to learn from what happened. 130903 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I tried "google stalking" last spring, but I wasn't sure if he lived in Vienna or somewhere else, and since I couldn't find any matches for his exact name, I got bored and looked up videos of elephants on Youtube. I don't have a good enough attention span to be a stalker. That song was stuck in my head most of last summer. When I googled her name I found a picture of her reading poetry. I didn't want to be enemies, but hers is not a forgiving personality. She was determined to ignore me, which she had every right to do, but I walked away crying in the hot sun as if I she were god and had damned me to hell: clearly she is not, because according to my second-grade theology, my peaceable friend KP was the goddess of the world and I assume she is still. KP graduated with a degree in Early Childhood Education, which seems a good enough qualification for being goddess of the world. I heard Walk Off the Earth live at a music festival an hour away, and they sang that song (Gotye and Kimbra did the original.) I had it stuck in my head for most of the summer, though I didn't know most of the words. Populism is actually quite elitist, because it involves having better sound, and better sound costs money. But anyway. 130904 ... e_o_i "as if I she" indeed. Maybe we're both god, and then you're all doomed. 130904 ... ledax I am just somebody that I used to know. So much forgotten, Paving the path to be someone else. Knowing I could be someone else, something else, someday, but... Having a child is an anchor, and it is exactly the anchor that I needed. My commitment to myself is not stable. Never has been since I first wished myself dead at the age of 8. My commitment to my child is absolute, constant, unending, infinite... Whoever I was, was not a qualified parent, even of herself. Who I am is maybe not the best parent that ever existed, but her dedication could not be greater, and I appreciate that about myself. 160521 ... the criminal heart of grendel The last of my partners in crime has finally given up tormenting me with unsolicited updates on the others (especially the first of the bunch) from our little group and some of those that came after and now contents herself with odd hacker pranks and petty thefts to let me know when she's in town I always wonder if she does any of these things to any of the others and, if so, in what ways? I don't let it bother me anymore, even though it has- on occasion- caused me a variety of complicated problems If I was enough of a dick anymore, I'd get her PI license pulled, but it's the best legal use for her capacity for stalking and other assorted mischievous bullshittery (well, that and process service) Shit...if I still had my guns and a driver's license we'd have made a decent pair of bondsmen, haha 160522 what's it to you? who go blather from