facing_mortality
jane it's not me, it's them.

it's the two who are closest to me - my lover and my dog.

it's not my mortality - it's theirs.

she's going first - the dog, i mean - she's only got a few years to go, and i can tell. it's medical issue after medical issue, and i wish it was only financial ruin i had to get myself into to make her live forever, or at least only until i'm gone.
she's my best friend.
i adore her.
she deserves better than any of us can ever give her.

and if i go first, nobody i know deserves her love.

(how selfish is that??)

and the other, my love, my love.

obviously he is older. 18 years or so. not that it matters.

but it does.

the idea that one day i have to live my life without one or both of them drives me up a wall. makes me so depressed that i don't want to live in a world where they exist ephemeral. where someone would take them away from me.

why would you take them away?

and for the longest time, i knew of death as a cycle of life. i understood this. perhaps because i had nothing to lose...? but now, now that i have love - i understand every poem about love and loss, about wanting nothing else but to be in someone's arms. all those stupid pop songs and all those poignant classic era ballads - who cares, they are all about the same thing. about love, and loss.

loss. i never examined the word. i thought of it only in terms of hair or weight. things easily quantified.

but love - how to quantify?

there is no chart for love.

i suppose i will face it as it comes, as i always do. so why the precursor? why does it affect me so... now? what is this thing i am preparing myself for?

who will i be when they are gone?

will i ever find somebody else?

am i selfish for thinking this way?

does anybody else think like this?

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100325
...
ergo I think and feel like that. It is selfish.
We are human. Loneliness is. When we find love, are able to give and receive love,
we are afraid of it's loss. To really see that we all desperately need love should make us capable of expanding our hearts to include all. If we could.....
100326
...
unhinged the places we lived
the people we used to be
pictures hanging on the wall

abandon_expectation

twilight
lullaby
full moon
lament
lonely tears

i thought i changed
but i'm really right back
where i used to be


cause once i fall
i fall completely
i have less heart to call my own
everyday
the piece you took from me
the hole, wound
is still gaping
broken_hearted

the perfect coincidence
of two hearts
so fucking rare
100326
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dafremen Always looking outside ourselves. What a tragedy, when..for a little more reflection, all the love we ever wanted to give or receive has always been there.

And death? Death is a clod of dirt returning to the dirt from whence it came.

Death is a farce. Death is an illusion embraced by we who believe what we see and fear what we do not know or understand. Death as we perceive it, is a comic book character, and a bad one at that.

There is no loss, only a sense of it. There is no sadness, only the perception of it.

There is only love. There is only joy..but we're too stubborn and set in our ways to realize it, and too "proud" (read: vain) to admit it.

What a tragedy..
100326
...
hsg death is a joke on our attention 100327
...
unhinged 'the perfect coincidence
of two hearts
so fucking rare'


i wish i would have reminded myself of this a couple months ago *sigh*
130212
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