facing_mortality jane it's not me, it's them. it's the two who are closest to me - my lover and my dog. it's not my mortality - it's theirs. she's going first - the dog, i mean - she's only got a few years to go, and i can tell. it's medical issue after medical issue, and i wish it was only financial ruin i had to get myself into to make her live forever, or at least only until i'm gone. she's my best friend. i adore her. she deserves better than any of us can ever give her. and if i go first, nobody i know deserves her love. (how selfish is that??) and the other, my love, my love. obviously he is older. 18 years or so. not that it matters. but it does. the idea that one day i have to live my life without one or both of them drives me up a wall. makes me so depressed that i don't want to live in a world where they exist ephemeral. where someone would take them away from me. why would you take them away? and for the longest time, i knew of death as a cycle of life. i understood this. perhaps because i had nothing to lose...? but now, now that i have love - i understand every poem about love and loss, about wanting nothing else but to be in someone's arms. all those stupid pop songs and all those poignant classic era ballads - who cares, they are all about the same thing. about love, and loss. loss. i never examined the word. i thought of it only in terms of hair or weight. things easily quantified. but love - how to quantify? there is no chart for love. i suppose i will face it as it comes, as i always do. so why the precursor? why does it affect me so... now? what is this thing i am preparing myself for? who will i be when they are gone? will i ever find somebody else? am i selfish for thinking this way? does anybody else think like this? ...... ........ ....... ... . . . . . . . . 100325 ... ergo I think and feel like that. It is selfish. We are human. Loneliness is. When we find love, are able to give and receive love, we are afraid of it's loss. To really see that we all desperately need love should make us capable of expanding our hearts to include all. If we could..... 100326 ... unhinged the places we lived the people we used to be pictures hanging on the wall abandon_expectation twilight lullaby full moon lament lonely tears i thought i changed but i'm really right back where i used to be cause once i fall i fall completely i have less heart to call my own everyday the piece you took from me the hole, wound is still gaping broken_hearted the perfect coincidence of two hearts so fucking rare 100326 ... dafremen Always looking outside ourselves. What a tragedy, when..for a little more reflection, all the love we ever wanted to give or receive has always been there. And death? Death is a clod of dirt returning to the dirt from whence it came. Death is a farce. Death is an illusion embraced by we who believe what we see and fear what we do not know or understand. Death as we perceive it, is a comic book character, and a bad one at that. There is no loss, only a sense of it. There is no sadness, only the perception of it. There is only love. There is only joy..but we're too stubborn and set in our ways to realize it, and too "proud" (read: vain) to admit it. What a tragedy.. 100326 ... hsg death is a joke on our attention 100327 ... unhinged 'the perfect coincidence of two hearts so fucking rare' i wish i would have reminded myself of this a couple months ago *sigh* 130212 ... unhinged yesterday the unthinkable happened to her at work ive been waiting for the same phone call about my mother we keep breathing even when they leave us behind 180620 ... unhinged as a species this is what rinpoche meant about fearlessness in everyday life 200328 what's it to you? who go blather from