boxed_up unhinged i put all the pieces i could in a box in a part of my closet that i hardly ever go tarnished pieces of you in a box in a part of my closet that i hardly ever go but_still there you are i boxed up all the parts of you i could but there are other more vague parts i can't get rid of i'm still crying i'm still pretending i'm still answering your phone calls so all the parts i boxed up and tried to hide away are still making my eyes glazed my skin itch my heart break and i'm still pretending when i talk to you that i don't hurt this fucking bad because i don't like to be vulnerable either i don't think you should know that you can make me feel like this i smile the best deception i smile 100322 ... unhinged even when i exhale that cigarette my chest feels tight i sit on the sidewalk late at night hoping you'll walk by only trite rhymes come to mind i'm tired everything i try leaves me empty_handed i'm right back where i started i've been drinking all night and my chest still feels tight 100601 ... unhinged it_goes_on (you called not soon after your friend saw me walking home from the bar we sat up playing cards and as you left i hugged you the way i always want to the curvature of arms wrapped around damnit i think that cat got back out of the bag) 100602 ... unhinged you told me my feelings were overwhelming and that you just wanted something casual. casual. ha. even after i told you i didn't have casual feelings for you, even after you said you 'weren't trying to thwart my feelings' you still wanted to be friends. you still wanted me to box up the parts that made you uncomfortable and keep putting myself out there for you to be disappointed over and over. that's why i've never had a long term relationship; every person i care enough about is intimidated by my feelings and wants to box me up as their friend and save me for later. i_can_be_alone before i can be your friend 100922 ... unhinged yesterday i went in the cupboard in the part of my kitchen where i rarely go ( tarnished ) i was purging my apartment of things i don't need to take with me i thought i was ready to throw you away i have a new beautiful relationship in my life everything you told me i deserved i cry much less now i think of you much less (as long as you aren't calling) some of it was easy to toss: a book about some conspiracy theory one lonely sock and then i found a letter you wrote me on an unopened piece of mail for an old tenant about how i was the light on your path that i reminded you of good things that you had forgotten angry force tossed the letter into the garbage can tears rolled down my cheeks yet again and i remembered why i boxed those things up and put them in a part of the cupboard i rarely go now i know why they were so hard for me why you were so hard for me to get rid of i dug farther in the box: found some letters_unsent i had written you after we broke up for good opened them reread them more anger more tears and then i found some of it that i couldn't throw away a real photograph of you (you told me there aren't many in the world) the cloth you gave me the ring god i still love you the voicemail you left recently 'i know you hate me...' just gave me more resolve to walk_away but_still parts of me are with you even_though now i'm with someone else i hope you let someone love you someday 110712 ... unhinged fuck_you_lucy for not understanding that when it's romantic_vs_platonic its fucking unbelievable for you to expect me to be happy that you've found someone else i wish this fucking wheel would break already i'm back to ignoring you (at least for awhile at least until life throws me something i can't bear to handle all alone) 120814 ... unhinged the lotus candleholder you got me adorns his shrine. after the last fight, i see no reason to ever answer your calls again 141101 ... unhinged all_i_need i don't even see the point in leaving the house anymore 160319 what's it to you? who go blather from