just_left kelc when i was in grade 6, i had pretty much my first and only friend. Justin. We talked, and its like he seen right through me, through the lie i was, the fake to the depression inside me. He was my world. I spent most of my life with either my mom or her girl friend drunk, or having sex, and my mom having sex with people i didn't know when she was stoned. He came at the time my mom's GF lost her job, and was drunk and i was up late very night cleaning up after her. When my depression got at its worse. He was everything. He was my hope, my trust, my faith for everything maybe eventually would be okay. And then, maybe a month before summer break, he left and didn't come back until the last day of school exceot to put a note consisting of mainly swears on the teachers desk. That was my first time knowing he was okay ina month, and i worried myself so badly, hopeing he would return.. and he did. So before he left i gave him all my contact info: phone number, adress EVERYTHING. But now, im in grade 9 and haven't heard from him. I made three or four friends since, but nothing can replace him, or the extreme hurt he put into me, smashing everything i'd ever had. I just want to know hes okay. I want to know how he is. I want to know if he thinks of me, or if he even cares that i cry at night because i miss him, and would do anything for him to just talk to me, so i can hope hes okay. Justin. Justen Gravel. Its been so hard making friends after such a betrayal, and i don't trust the ones i have will always be there. He was like my pulse, only he obviously forgot i need it to live. Everything has just been a mess again since he left. Im not okay, but im getting by, maybe barely,and i want to know he is too. And its kiling me to know why he just left one day, and how hes doing. But i can't. Because hes not there anymore.. no one is. 050724 ... andru235 when i was in 7th grade i broke ties with a kid who had been a good friend to me, and i did so because i hated myself...long story. anyway it was shitty of me and ever since i have felt an estrangement from my friends - i have genuine goodwill towards people but there is always (thus far) an intangible distance... and though i had perceived this distance prior to the event in 7th grade, the sense was heightened after that. maybe that is when i first understood what i sensed. there are many things i have learned because of this estrangement from the friends of my life...but i'm not saying the tradeoff has been worth it. point is, kelc, you will get something for what you go through, something that others will never probably be aware of. of course, that doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with... 050724 ... walrie my best friend in sixth grade might as well have told me to fuck off when we started junior high. apparently i was a freak, apparently i was too weird, not fit for the cool crowd. i cried at night, i told my mom i was too tired to hang out with friends, i hated myself and whatever it was about me that caused me to be a freak. eventually i made new friends, but ever since then i have never had a best friend, very few have a very good idea of what i am really like. more than anything i wanted someone who i could share things with, anything with, and they could have the same ability to share with me. to this day i still don't really have someone like that. i've been trying to figure out why. is it because i have been afraid to keep friends to close for fear they would leave? or is it just because my personality isn't easily prone to easily shared feelings. i've learned to care little about what other people think, but at the same time, i care a lot. i've learned that no matter how hard you try , no one will really know you, you can't even ever truly know yourself. i've learned that your frame of mind is like a flower, the pretty ones are liked by many and the ugly ones are liked by few. i've learned that no matter how well you can control your feelings, you still can't control your feelings. the key is not to panic. i keep hoping and praying that my good friends now will not leave me, but i can't help from knowing that leaving is eventually inevitable. 050724 ... pete . 050724 what's it to you? who go blather from