dont_bother_reading_it
lizzy i get so very angry with you for no reason at all.. where does all this repressed whatever come from? why do i blame you? DO i blame you? what the hell am i thinking? i just want to come home from a day at my wonderful job and blatherblatherblather and not worry about if you wil find what i wrote and get offended or hurt i don't want to hurt you i never want to hurt you but i AM hurting you and i am hurting me and i am not giving you what you deserve or treating you how i should and how i used to and you are doing all the right things but it just doesn't feel good enough. thats not right.. not good enough... just... enough... doesn't feel like its enough... or maybe its just too much... i don't want to answer to you i want to answer to me and me alone but marriage doesn't allow for that i just don't know if we did the right thing and i have all these doubts and i know we just had the talk but we always have THE TALK and it fine and dandy for a few months and then we need the talk again and it feels like nothing ever changed and i am so unhappy and there are things i want to persue but won't and cant because i got married to young and at this point i don't know if i even care if you read this cause if you do then maybe you were snooping and maybe you should read this but the stuff that katie is going through is hitting too close to home and i just don't know what to do about any of it. her situation my situation god i love you but i just don't know if i love you like i did when we got married and i don't want to give up but i see other things i want for me and other people i want for me and yeah if i don't persue any of it it might make us stronger way down the line but who the hell wants to wait for way down the line to get here before they are happy you say you are happy and i just can't believe you even though over this past week you've seemed happier even with the poison ivy but damn it... i want to be happy and i am not.. and i am sorry and i wish i was and i wish i didn't feel the way i feel but sometimes i just want someonemore more mature and i know eventually you'll be a grown man and i see you growing more and more into that man but there are still so many things that make me absolutely crazy but its who you are and i can't ask you to change it i just don't know what to do or what to think and i love your family that is obvious and our families are so fantastically intertwined now and i don't want to be the one to fuck that up even though they have all said i need to do what will make me happy and i know they would all support me but what about you what would it do to you and should i even let that affect me everyone says not to worry about hurting your feeling cause i gotta do what i gotta do but i feel selfish and scared and sorry for you...... what do i do what do i do what do i do i am losing my mind and i flip flop from so fucking happy to miserably fucking depressed and i just can't take it what if this is just a two year itch i don't want to throw it all away but what if it isn't a two year itch and what if i am gonna be unhappy for the rest of my life then what i don't want to make it 10 years down the line and find out that i was wrong that it wasn't a two year itch... or that i was right that it wasn't a two year itch i idon't even know what i think can i fucking just be honest with myself and with you i am unhappy damn it... and i don't know if anthing you do will ever make me happy i just need some fucking time to myself where i am not worried about saying i love you every two seconds where i am not worried about spending enough time with you i just need to be alone for a while but god if i ever said that to you i know it would break your heart and i can't do that to you cause i care about your feelings ireally do... but damn it i cre about my feelings to and i just don't know what to do... i know how i feel deep inside... i am scared shitless to admit it but i don't want the rest of m life to be unhappy i don't want to end up like my mother cuse i think i would... for completely different reasons that why shes the way she is cause you treat me like a princess not the way my dad treats my mom i know you love me theres no doubt that is why this hurts all the more you do all this stuff cause i ask it of you and its so unfair of me and i feel like a bitch but i am just so lost and confused and i want some answers on what the hell i should do but the answers just never come and i get more and more lost bottom line is i love you life without you would not be great i would survive but would you it scares me to think of what you might do i just need time for me.. time away quiet time to blather to STOP worrying about what the hell to do i am so fucking wound up and i just don't know where to turn i don't want to tell you how i really feel because you don't want to hear it... trust me on that.. you don't cause it would only hurt you and make me out to be this awful bitch but is it so wrong to want to be happy to want to seek out other things that might make me happy in the long run?

stop blathing girl... your fingers will fall off....

and i am sorry if you end up finding this blathe Aaron... but if you do... maybe its for the best maybe it'll help or maybe it'll hurt more.. which i am sure it probably will be the latter because i always blindside you with my unhappiness always taken totally by surprise but i had to get it out and here seems like such the appropriate place so if you do find it.... then at least tell me... 		040518
what's it to you?
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