ugly_duckling jennifer I so wanted to be the ugly duckling to know that someday I would be a swan graceful and long 000530 ... unhinged you can't be an ugly duckling if no one ever notices you 010131 ... dB as well as being Midas in reverse (everything I thouch turns to shit), I am also the Ugly Duckling in reverse. Apparently I was a cute kid (although I deny the accusation that I ever WAS a kid), then I grew into a troll. What's with that? I always end up with the shortest straw. 010709 ... girl_jane When do I grow up? 020519 ... soup for the poor I have been having a bad day. It seems that the only place I even feel safe to discuss it is here on blather. I went home for my sister's graduation on Friday. It was sad and I cried, of course, but I was mostly bitter. I have always been the ugly duckling of the family. The one my mother always said was just fine the way she was. That we were all "special." And it is not that I was actually ugly, because I don't consider myself ugly. I was the sin of my family in that I was plain. My sister, who graduated, Kelley, was the one who always entered those awful beauty pagents in fair. I can't believed I lived somewhere that had a fair. And I have a boat load of other siblings, all of which are over achievers. Me. I moved to Buffalo to live my aunt and uncle and their idiot children. I had little choice in the matter because my mom was obsessed with my health. I was mentally and physically doing horribly--the details will bore you. The kind of care I needed was offered there and so I reluctantly went. I lived in Buffalo from age 12 to 17, and returned home for the last year at my high school. What a mistake. I came back completely forgotten. I didn't fit in, and it hurt to be in the shadow of my siblings when they were all younger. I was the oldest, at 17. Me (Kate), Kurt and Kevin were the lame ass twins at 15. God, my parents were lame. They followed the "k" theme for a while. Next is Kelley at 13. Jacob (9), Jennifer (8), and Dob was 2. Well, his real name is Matthew but we all just call him Dob. They were all there. And damnit, they were all perfect. I am there and I am plain. I became a follower in my school and in everything that I did. I figured I was never going to get out of there again. That I would have done better just staying where I was. That year was when my life got interesting, believe it or not. Where I almost found myself and who I wanted to be by fucking up so much. By sleeping around and messing myself up mentally. I started trying any drug I could get my hands on, but I was scared off after a while. So instead, I hooked myself on sleeping pills, pain killers, and diet pills. I was jealous of my sisters and old friends and my perfect mother and everything they wanted me to be. I began to waste away and barely graduated. Everyone knew. And I went back there on Friday for the first time since the twins graduated. I cried through her graduation and cried when my parents screamed at me afterwards. Yelling about how they sent me to school and I don't even visit or say thank you. Mom slapped me. Right across the face when I said I didn't need them anymore. When I said they never did anything for me but send me to live with her sister in a hell hole and drag me back when I needed to stay there. All the pain came back and flooded my heart. Left me open and dying. I came back home today, bruised mentally, and my boyfriend only bitched at me for not taking him. I swear, he has a complex. He thinks I am always going to betray him. I don't tell him much about who I used to be. I don't tell anyone much about who I used to be, but they all still treat me like they know. Like the china doll I have always been in their eyes. They look at me and see someone sick and weak and dying. Worst of all, they see someone plain. Plain Jane. Oops, I mean Kate. 030615 ... soup for the poor That is my life. If you made it down to the end of the page, you listened. I needed someone to listen, because no one seems to want to anymore. 030615 ... pobodys nerfect Hey Kate, I just wanted you to know that I listened. *hugs* 030615 ... soup for the poor wow Kate needed that. 030615 ... Rowbes Rowbes listened too. also hugs kate 030616 ... god billions of ducks. only one jane fonda 030616 ... sixteen listened then b_stalked 030616 ... Death of a Rose I didn't 'listen', I read. Offers a hand. 031018 what's it to you? who go blather from