strangest_spam flux 1483 Hendrik van Nassau-Dillenburg en Dietz Governor/Viceroy of Holland 1492 Andrea Alicati Italian author 1562 Charles Emanuel I the great, Duke of Savoy 1576 Peter Scriverius Dutch lawyer/historian 1580 Jean Baptiste van Helmont Belgian chemist, (found boiling point temperature) 1588 John Winthrop 1st Governor (Massachusetts Bay Colony) 1588 Jose Ribera [Lo Spagnoletto] Spanish painter 1599 Adrian van Utrecht Flemish painter 1638 Ernst R Tarhemberg Austrian field marshal (Turkish Wars) 1665 Pierre de Fermat French lawyer/mathematician 1674 Reinhard Keiser composer 1711 Gaetano Latilla composer 1715 Jacques Duphly composer 1729 Lazzaro Spallanzani Modena Italy, physiologist 1729 Edmund Burke British author (Philosophy & Inquiry) 1730 Johann Joachim Christoph Bode composer 1737 John Hancock patriot (1st to sign Declaration of Independence) 1737 Brizio Petrucci composer 1746 Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi Switzerland, educator 1749 Ferdinand Trauttmansdorff Austrian earl/prince/diplomat 1751 Ferdinand I king of Sicily & Naples 1751 Jacob M R Lenz writer (Das Leidende Weib) 1780 Wilhelm M L de Wette German exegetist/theologist 1783 Erik Gustaf Geijer Swedish historian/poet (Natthimmelen) 1792 Robert Patterson Major General (Union volunteers), died in 1881 1804 Hippolyte Monpou composer 1807 Jan T Beelen Dutch/Belgian bible expert 1808 Paul "the Great" Taglioni Vienna, ballet choreographer 1810 Ferdinand II king of Sicily 1814 Jones Mitchell Withers Major General (Confederate Army), died in 1890 1819 Zealous Bates Tower Brevet Major General (Union Army), died in 1900 1821 Nikolai Afanisev composer 1825 Joseph Robert Davis Brigadier General (Confederate Army), died in 1896 1826 Charles Cruft Brevet Major General (Union volunteers), died in 1883 1832 Richard Waterhouse Jr Brigadier General (Confederate Army), died in 1876 1837 Adolf Jensen composer 1837 Carlos Troyer composer 1842 Franois Coppe French poet 1852 Joseph J C Joffre French field marshal (Indo-China, Marne) 1853 Gregorio Ricci-Curbastro Italian mathematician (tensor analysis) 1856 John Singer Sargent US, portrait painter (Wyndham Sisters) 1863 Vivekananda Calcutta, Hindu religious leader/reformer 1871 Paul Guthnick German astronomer 1875 Marika Stiernstedt Swedish author (Ulla Bella) 1876 Ermanno Wolf-Ferrari Venice Italy, composer 1876 Jack London writer/socialist (Call of the Wild) 1878 Ferenc Molnr Budapest Hungary, playwright (The Play's The Thing, A Pal Utrai Fiuk) 1882 Jakob Jud Swiss linguist/etymologist 1884 Louis Horst composer 1886 Dorothy Green Los Angeles CA, actress (Lavinia-Tammy) 1888 Claude Delvincourt composer 1890 Mordecai W Johnson educator 1893 Hermann Goering Reichsmarshall/propoganda minister (Nazi Germany) 1894 Billy Gilbert Louisville KY, actor (Paradise Alley, Safari, Rio) 1896 Rex Ingram Ireland, actor/director (Elmer Gantry, God's Little Acre) 1897 Hendrik J Valk painter/cartoonist/graphic artist 1898 Jose Forns y Cuadras composer 1899 Paul H Mller Swiss chemist (DDT-Nobel 1948) 1900 Vaino Hannikainen composer 1901 Kurt Jooss Wurttemburg, Germany, ballet choreographer 1902 Ibn Abdul-Aziz Saud Kuwait, king (Saudi Arabia) 1902 Ray Teal Grand Rapids MI, actor (Sheriff Roy Coffee-Bonanza) 1902 Simon H Spoor Dutch General/Intelligence Officer for General MacArthur 1903 Igor V Kurtshatov Russian nuclear physicist (1st Russian nuclear bomb) 1904 Mississippi Fred McDowell jazz artist 1906 Henny Youngman England, comedian (Take my wife please...) 1906 Tex Ritter Texas, country singer (5 Star Jubilee, The Wayward Wind) 1907 Sergei Korolev scientist 1908 Ben Seijes Dutch historian (WWII) 1908 Jos Limn Mexican/US dancer (I, Odysseus) 1909 Mauritz Hugo Sweden, actor (Atomic Blonde, Road Agent) 1910 Patsy Kelly Brooklyn NY, actress (Rosemary's Baby, North Ave Irregulars) 1910 Charles Martin cartoonist 1910 Luise Rainer Austria, actress (Escapade, Good Earth, Big City, Hostages) 1912 Peter Pooley broadcaster 1914 Edqard John Gurney politician 1915 Martin Agronsky journalist (1952 Peabody, 1961 DuPont-Columbia) 1915 Ernest Armstrong miner/politician 1915 Frank Annunzio (Representative-D-IL, 1965- ) 1915 Joseph Roy George Ralston pilot 1916 A P(ieter) W Botha Orange Free State, President of South Africa 1917 Walter Hendl West New York NJ, conductor 1920 James Farmer Marshall TX, civil rights leader 1921 John Henry Davis Jr Smithtown NY, light-super-heavyweight (Olympics-gold-1948, 52) 1921 Leo Smit Philadelphia PA, pianist/composer 1924 Jan Willem Radecker sculptor/son of John Radecker 1925 Bill Burrud Hollywood CA, host (Safari to Adventure, Animal World) 1925 Laurentiu Profeta composer 1925 Ralph Legall cricket wicket-keeper (West Indies vs India 1954) 1926 Morton Feldman New York City NY, composer 1926 Ray Price country singer (For The Good Times) 1927 Leopold Ahsen writer 1927 Salvatore Martirano composer 1928 Lew Gallo Mt Kisko, actor (12 O'Clock High) 1929 Colin Berry Haycraft publisher 1930 Glenn Yarborough singer (Limeliters-Honey & Wine, Jubilee) 1930 Jennifer P Johnston Irish author (Fool's Sanctuary) 1932 Alain Teister Dutch sculptor/writer 1933 Michael Aspel British talk show host 1934 Burdette Haldorson US, basketball player (Olympics-gold-1956, 60) 1935 "The Amazing" Kreskin Montclair NJ, mentalist/telepath 1935 Ron Harper Turtle Creek PA, actor (Wendy & Me, Planet of the Apes) 1937 Liliana Cavani Bologna Italy, director (Berlin Affair) 1937 Marie Dubois Paris France, actress (Wise Guys, Jules & Jim) 1939 Helmut Eisendle writer 1939 Jacobus M "Jacques" Hamelink Dutch writer/poet (Cold Unrest) 1939 William Lee Golden Brewton AL, country singer (Oak Ridge Boys) 1940 Dick Motz cricketer (1st New Zealander to take 100 Test wickets) 1941 Long John Baldry England, blues vocalist (Don't try to Lay No Boogie) 1941 Jaime B Fuster (Representative-D-PR, 1985-92) 1942 Vladimir Sergeyevich Kozelsky cosmonaut (Soyuz 24 backup) 1943 Ray Manzarek rock pianist (Doors-Light my Fire, People are Strange) 1943 Henri J "Adriaan" Adriaansen mime/director (Stinging Nettle King) 1944 Joe Frazier Beaufort SC, heavyweight champion boxer (Olympics-gold-1964)/champ (1968-73) 1944 Vlastimil Hort Czechoslovakian/German chess player 1945 Maggie Bell Glasgow Scotland, rocker 1946 Cynthia Robinson rock trumpeteer (Sly & Family Stone-Everyday People) 1946 George Duke San Rafael CA, rocker 1947 Tom Dempsey NFL record-holder (longest field goal, 63 yards) 1948 Anthony Andrews London England, actor (Under the Volcano) 1949 James W Dietz rower 1949 Wayne Wang director (Chan is Missing, Slamdance) 1950 Bob McEwen (Representative-R-OH, 1981- ) 1950 Marilyn R Smith microbiologist 1951 Kirstie Alley Wichita KS, actress (Star Trek II, Cheers-Rebecca) 1951 Larry Hoppens rocker (Orleans-Still the One, Dance With Me) 1951 Rush Hudson Limbaugh III Cape Girardeau MO, conservative radio & television host 1951 Bill Madlock 4X NL batting champ (Chicago Cubs) 1951 Chris Bell Memphis TN, rock guitarist (Big Star) 1951 Drew Pearson former NFL all-pro receiver to a King, Rockin' Years) 1954 Howard Stern Roosevelt NY, "Radio's Bad Boy" (WKRK, WYSP, WJFK) 1955 Patty Hayes LPGA golfer 1959 Per Gessle Halmstad Sweden, singer (Roxette-Must Have Been Love) 1960 Dominique Wilkins NBA forward (Atlanta Hawks) 1960 Rob Derksen Australian baseball head coach (Olympics-1996) 1961 Andrea Carnevale soccer player (Napoli) 1962 Richie Richardson cricketer (elegant West Indian batsman 1983-95) 1964 Lynnae Marie Thurik Vancouver WA, Miss Washington-America (1990) 1964 Laura Gildemeister Argentina, tennis star 1965 Mark Moore rocker (S'Express-Winter Course) 1965 Henry Thomas defensive tackle (Detroit Lions, New England Patriots) 1965 John Francis model 1966 Craig Parry Sunshine VIC, Australasia golfer 1966 Linda Ferrando Italy, tennis star 1967 Farrah Forke Texas, actress (Dweebs, Mr Rhodes, Disclosure, Heat) 1967 Marco Boogers Dutch soccer player (RKC, Sparta, West Ham United) 1967 Mike Simms Whittier CA, outfielder (Houston Astros) 1967 Ulf Dahlen Ostersund Sweden, NHL forward (Team Sweden, San Jose) 1967 Vendela [Kirsebom] Stockholm Sweden, model (Sports Illustrated 1993) 1968 Heather Mills Aldershot England, model/writer (Out on a Limb) 1968 Vince Buck NFL safety (New Orleans Saints) 1969 Cam Russell Halifax, NHL defenseman (Chicago Blackhawks) 1970 Jenny Griffith Burbank CA, WPVA volleyballer (National-13th-1995) 1970 Nigel Wilson Canadian/US baseball outfielder (Florida Marlins) 1970 Takahiro Ikenoue WLAF defensive linebacker (Rhein Fire) 1971 Tommy Puett actor/TV host (Life Goes On, America's Top 10) 1971 Andy Fox Sacramento CA, infielder (New York Yankees) 1971 Oscar Sturgis NFL defensive end (Dallas Cowboys) 1971 Scott Burrell NBA guard/forward (Chicago Bulls, Charlotte Hornets) 1971 Shane Dronett NFL defensive end (Atlanta Falcons, Denver Broncos) 1972 Dominique Ross NFL running back (Dallas Cowboys) 1973 Greg Morton Milwaukee WI, actor (Scarecrow & Mrs King) 1974 Melanie Jayne Chisholm "Sporty Spice", Widnes, vocalist (Spice Girls) 1975 Chase Hampton Oklahoma City OK, rocker (Party-Rodeo, That's Why) 1975 Jocelyn Thibault Montral Qubec Canada, NHL goalie (Montral Canadiens) 1977 Sara Walsh South Bend IN, fencer-foil (Olympics-96) 1979 Jenny Schmidgall ice hockey forward (USA, Olympics-98) 1987 Andrew Lawrence Philadelphia PA, actor (Andy Roman-Brotherly Love) 1987 Naya Rivera actress (Cindy-Fresh Prince of Bel Air) 1996 Sarah Morales Mexico, Siamese twin (survived) 1996 Sarahi Morales Mexico, Siamese twin (died on Jan 27, 1996) 040511 ... magpie people all born on the same day? 040511 ... raze gmail has pretty much brought an end to my strangest spam, but i was really getting some gems for a while there, especially from about 2004 to 2007. the best phrases can be arranged to form a kind of absurd poetry: bowling ball behind demon cook beneath the darkening sky buzzard inside cyprus mulch everybody slap face floodlight cappuccino freshly cooking mountain explosive staircase brain banana eraser solid sandwich passport teeth milk swimming pool space shuttle spice typewriter needle kaleidoscope ears fungus comet now her friends are bruce remnant ditto basis epidermis tailor needy camel crankcase co-editor paraphernalia pig pen organize chess board secretly admire pine cone defined by girl underage bacon shook lady fancy shining i wear a gold watch and chain reference to that other thing now, even in a carriage it's a dangerous house humans will be rescued from planned events simply to make things and, of course, the most meaningful, succinct viagra spam i ever received: "if your warrior of love is too small, you are going to lose this war." i take those words with me wherever i go. i even used one of those spam phrases for an old blathe (jersey_cow_panics). sometimes i kind of miss my spam... 130216 ... raze unearthed a few more in a half-forgotten alternate email address: "you anymore never know shame before her." well, yeah. of course you anymore never know that now. but what about the things you anymore ever knew before? and then there's this: "beware penis pill pirates! don't let them trick you or your penis will stay small forever." in hindsight it isn't so special, but in the heat of the moment i saw a swashbuckling one-eyed sea captain bellowing, "ARRRR! here be pills for your shrunken carp! wash them down with sea water and watch the healing begin! avast! a vast penis awaits you, matey!" 141016 ... raze got one just now that only said, "proceed with me, my friend!" it's probably a bot, but i'm tempted to write back with, "i will follow anywhere you lead, my tender little love muffin." 150825 ... raze an unexpected bit of poetry from one of those "give me all your financial information so i can steal your money under the premise of wanting to give you money even though i have no reason to know you exist and my story makes no sense" emails: "this is the only way to immortalize us when i am gone." 170617 ... raze at the very end of a similar message (only this time the narrative is "your email address was selected at random by the world health organization, and if you give us all your sensitive personal information we'll give you close to a million dollars for no apparent reason"): "thank you and greet your family." okay. i will. but only if you say hello to yours first. 210822 ... unhinged sushi style maybe with egg 210822 ... raze from someone who claimed their name was "awade": "i'm searching for a diligent. i actually hope that may be you. due to your grit, i'll recompense ya with some of my freshest selfies!" that's right — "diligent" is now a noun. i'm glad someone out there appreciates my grit, but i'm not so sure i'm the diligent they're looking for. 210901 ... raze i've won a free dyson vacuum cleaner, they tell me. not just any vacuum cleaner, you understand. a french one. félicitations, indeed. mon cul brûle de joie parfumée. 211001 ... raze here are a few more gems unearthed from old emails. a bit of spoetry (that's spam poetry): "look all the wastebaskets unnoticed in the excitement, i this we and ours business? where do i fit in? he rubbed his jaw while he looked at it well, he said" not spoetry: "you are always missing reading. doesn't sarah remember shouting slowly? does joe hate laughing over there? weren't those plumbers practicing talking last month?hasn't buddy ever liked swimming? john was enjoying sleeping near the tree. have you hated surfing lately? don't you practice cooking nicely? that photographer isn't enjoying fighting. early last month i was still missing sleeping. she has disliked cooking for a day or two. i didn't dislike cooking at home. do you hate shaving badly? have you practiced jumping yet? have you liked skiing yet? i don't practice reading once a week. doesn't kate's granddaughter miss shaving for a few months? that carpenter is practicing running at this time. the pilots were enjoying jogging at the company." and from one of those penis enlargement emails i used to get all the time, words to live by: "make a super penis brain." i try. every day i try. 211010 ... raze (sorry the formatting went a little funny there. i blame the spam.) 211010 ... raze i just got an email from mr. "penis size" himself. now there's a name you don't see popping up in your inbox every day. mr. size had this to say: "this guy offered his wife to the african tribesman as a gift in exchange for their secret elongation ritual. and it worked! oh my god you have to see this before this crazy dude takes off his documentary." i want to stop him and say, "no! dude! don't take off your *documentary*! i don't want to see what's under there." 211110 ... raze this is more like "most dishonest spam", but still. someone named karen who's also named sarah who's probably a russian dude running a scam wants to meet so we can have sex. her email says she's two miles away from me. at the bottom of her message, she reveals she's in mechanicsburg, pennsylvania. i looked it up. it's almost five hundred miles away from me. nice try, karen-sarah-vladimir. i did learn something new from our one-sided exchange. i'd never heard of mechanicsburg before. i wonder how many mechanics live there. it would be pretty funny if there weren't any. 211129 ... raze i don't have a venmo account, but i just got an email telling me someone tried to send me five hundred bucks through a website i'm not even eligible to use, since venmo doesn't make their services available to anyone who lives outside of the united states. at the bottom of the email, it says: "to opt out, please click her at any time." i see what you did there, scammer... 211213 ... raze another gem from the archives: "when a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package. all bodies are slow in growth but rapid in decay. business today consists of persuading crowds. nonsurvival overstately. knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind. gnosticize hittable. ricochets jerid undersitter!" and if those aren't words to live by... 220104 ... raze someone named renee is interested in my profile. it isn't clear which profile she finds compelling. come to think of it, i don't actually *have* any online profiles set up anywhere. but we don't concern ourselves with such trivial matters in the land of spam. this is the entirety of her email to me: "az építendő ház és kért extrák leírása." that's hungarian. it translates to: "description of the house to be built and the extras requested." no description follows. you really know how to hook a guy, renee. 220117 ... tender_square (less strange and more frightening, perhaps?) "last week while all this coronavirus chaos was unfolding the Gun Grabber Left Wing Liberals were busy passing a new law aimed at disarming law abiding US citizens. (and they got it done)... if you want to get your concealed carry permit certification online have just a few days left to do it and then it will be gone forever. don't let the distractions in the news make you numb to what's going on behind closed doors. with urgency." 220117 ... raze i got an email from a company named "yghgtj7y" that says, "thank you for your continued support of water server comparison ranking dx". i support no such diagnosis, doctor. 220122 ... raze my latest spam email assures me, "you're being considered for 2021!" so ... time travel *is* possible? 220129 ... tender_square “we’re giving away 500 free stun guns (10 million volt) to help american families stay safe. 10 million volt stun gun. the best way to protect yourself against bigger, stronger attackers…there are only 500 free stun guns to giveaway…so you better grab one quick if you want one.” (uh…why in the fuck would i reach for a 10 million volt stun gun?) 220204 ... tender_square i can't believe my luck--warren buffett wants to give me money! "hello my name is warren e. buffett an american business magnate, investor and philanthropist. i am the most successful investor in the world. i believe strongly in giving while living’ i had one idea that never changed in my mind ? that you should use your wealth to help people and i have decided to give {$5,500,000.00} five million five hundred thousand united dollars, to randomly selected individuals worldwide. on receipt of this email, you should count yourself as the lucky individual. your email address was chosen online while searching at random. kindly get back to me at your earliest convenience before i travel to japan for my treatment , so i know your email address is valid.email me. thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful you can google my name for more information: warren buffet or you visit my website. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/warren_buffett god bless you. best regard mr.warren e. buffett billionaire investor" 220223 ... raze another email like the one i got a month ago, only this time it reads, "you have been nominated *in* 2021!" seriously. dude. or robot. or whatever you are. it's 2022. 220225 ... raze i got one of those emails claiming the managing director of the "international monetary fund" wants to give me seven and a half million dollars. i know it's legit because the name of the person who sent it is "office office". i wonder: do they prefer to be called mr. or ms. office? or do they go by their first name? 220405 ... raze the latest scam email begins: "hello dearest in christ." that ... is not my name. 220424 ... raze this one here is from mrs. jill biden herself, who reminds me she's "the first lady of the united states". she even offers me her private phone number and says, "i am very busy answering your call." does that mean i've already done what i've yet to do? 220429 ... raze juan tim says: "hello zoey. as requested, we have financed your portfolio." again, that isn't my name. but it's a lot snappier than "dearest in christ", isn't it? 220513 ... raze mr. andy davis, "head of luggage/baggage storage facilities" at george_bush intercontinental airport, tells me there's an abandoned shipment with my name on it, sent by a west african diplomat. andy isn't able to disclose the amount of money in the metal trunk box, but he says he'd be happy to send me 70% of it if i provide him with all my personal information. he ends his message thusly: "i wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive." there's a part of me that's tempted to respond with, "i regret to inform you that i passed away the evening before last. please abandon all hope and ingest a thimble in my honour. don't trouble yourself with locating the perfect specimen. as i was always fond of saying before my untimely demise, 'any thimble will do.'" 220518 ... raze now that erection_season is behind us, "theee hoooomeee deepooot wiiiiinneeer" informs me i have a chance to win a brand new dewalt extreme drill. "seeeeriiiiouuuusly," they say. "thiiiis iiis youuuuur laaaast chaaaance!!!!" i feel the only appropriate response here is, "praaaaaaaay fooooooooor meeeeeee!" 220613 ... tender_square guys, we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time. the way to lose weight and keep it off is not through exercise and diet, but through “weight loss candy” according to this email from ggyktlltyv@kodehexa.net! “beach ready bites GET YOUR SUMMER BODY READY WATCH YOUR FAT MELT AWAY” the subject line of the message seems less sure of the results, though: “chew the fat away???” WHICH IS IT?! 220613 ... raze today is a troubling day. my own "aging prostate" sent me a message that's empty save for the subject line: "your prostate is the size of a lemon!" i mean, i know i'm pushing forty. but i don't think i'm *that* old. and i'm a little disappointed to learn the walnut-sized gland beneath my bladder doesn't have a better opinion of itself, and that it has so little confidence in its own voice it has to resort to writing about itself in the third person. you think you know your own body... 220621 ... raze i guess it doesn't qualify as spam in the traditional sense, but indigo books sent me an email advertising "must-haves for the caring crustaceans in [my] life". i'm not sure how useful that's going to be. i can't say i've known too many crabs. 220703 ... raze now i'm getting emails from a place i buy vitamins from every once in a while. "it's time to save your armpits!" they warn me. i didn't realize that part of my body was in trouble. but "axillary fascia in distress" has a ring to it, doesn't it? 220719 ... raze for at least a few weeks now, i've been getting messages that purport to be from ... me. i keep telling myself to check my account, but i don't specify *which* account i'm supposed to look into. bank account? facebook account? eyewitness account of what the fridge was saying at 2:36 this afternoon? it's not like me to be so vague. 220720 ... raze mr. thomas duke says: "good day to you. i have a $325,500,275.00 business proposal for you." that's an incredibly specific amount of money, tom. and i gotta say it looks a little light to me. you sure you can't throw in another buck or two? 220809 ... raze i wish i'd documented the email that told me something interesting about a heart attack i supposedly had without knowing it. i waited too long, and gmail deleted it. but here's mrs. mai hynoi saying, "with warm hearts i offer my friendship and my greetings." if you've got more than one heart and the $383 million you claim to have, you don't need me, mai. i think you'll be just fine on your own. 220927 ... raze the title of this one is "reusability zigging". above a picture of a blonde model in a bathing suit are these words: "problémy v afganistane nie je možné riešiť vojenskou cestou." in english: "the problems in afghanistan cannot be solved by military means." how those three things ended up sandwiched together is beyond me. 221004 ... raze apparently eating sixty seconds for breakfast every day saves your prostate. who knew ingesting a minute was the answer to anything? 221011 ... raze arlene nabarowsky had only this to say: "crosscurrented narcotisations impertinacy." true words, arlene. true words. 221012 ... raze i've been getting a lot of crude sex-related spam lately from one russian hacker or another. once in a while, an amusing typo sneaks through. dig: "i'm 27, and i leave alone." i mean ... don't we all, when you get right down to it? 221109 ... raze amanda tells me, "there are some alone chicks around. choose and get laid." what if i want a group of chicks? a whole parade of baby chickens? what if i own and operate an animal sanctuary? did you ever think of that, amanda? did you? 230110 ... raze from someone named "bang me": "you know, if i were you, i'd have sex with me." with a name like bang, how can i say no? i'm ready and willing. your move, ms. me. 230123 ... raze apparently i am the next of kin of a certain james lee, and following his untimely death in a "motor accident" (i guess he had a thing for small engines), i'm entitled to half of the "long complicated outstanding payment" he was owed. the other half, of course, will cover the finder's fee of the director of the foreign transfer department at reliance bank limited, in nigeria. i didn't know banks worked that way. the things you learn from your own spam folder... 230407 ... raze the most recent missive implores me to "fuck msg". i think i'd rather not. 230408 ... raze lesko82 asks me, "what do you think of me in your bed tonight?" the same thing i think of you when i'm away from my bedroom, i expect. 230422 ... raze here's a new slant on an old scam: yuliia kadulina, deputy chairman of the management board and personal finance director at ukrsibbank in ukraine, tells me she has a proposal for me. "kindly revert so i can fill you in on the details," she says. alas, regression isn't in the cards for me. sorry to disappoint, yuliaa. 230423 ... raze terrence swaniawski says, "your account is looking superior than ever: reserves effectively credited." then he invites me to terminate said account. ain't it just like a spambot to try and kill something when it's thriving? 230502 ... raze a message from a fifteen-inch penis is sitting in my inbox. that's a first. 230518 ... raze lucas prosacco tells me the "modern reserves" in my account have been effectively credited. "we'll reply you inside some seconds," he says. you know, i always wanted to be replied inside of time. 230523 ... raze someone nonexistent with an unpronounceable name asks, "is this email private for further discussion?" and i want to respond with, "no. i make all my emails public. NOW TELL ME ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ON GOD. 'CAUSE I'D REALLY LIKE TO MEET HER." 230528 ... raze one of those six million account termination reminders (for an account that doesn't exist and isn't explained) comes from my great grandfather, dead for decades. only now, instead of rudolf weiss, he's rudolfo weissnat. a coincidence, i'm sure. but a pretty fucking freaky one. 230616 ... raze here's a song from the postal_service about the delivery of a suspended package i never ordered. i guess at least it knows how to float. the chorus goes: "this is an automated email from our customer help robot. she can't read yet, so please don't answer her." it must be a non-album single. 230704 ... raze amancio ortega — a real spanish billionaire who looks like an artist's rendering of your constipated grandfather — is gifting me with five million dollars just for something to do. i call bullshit. a fashionista like me is worth at least ten million. maybe twelve. 230706 ... raze "kindly respond to this impending notice at your earliest convenience," koehler lovella directs me. but how can i react to something that hasn't happened yet? 230717 ... raze one email siphoned the name of a friend who isn't a friend anymore. but it didn't stop there. his son's name is in the subject line. that's just creepy. what *doesn't* the internet know about us? 230719 ... raze the purported senders of three messages, one on top of the other: "suck me fuck_me soap my body" not very subtle for a human-sized bar of soap, are we? 230723 ... e_o_i In the work inbox: ... Hi [boss B's name], I hope you're doing well. I've been continuing my exploration of Oppenheimer's profound ideas and couldn't resist sharing another fascinating thought with you. Just as the mysteries of the universe captivate our minds, our team at Tkxel is equally enthralled by the endless possibilities of software development. We believe that, like quantum particles, ideas can exist in multiple states until observed and brought to life. Intrigued? I know I am! Let's set up a call to discuss how our software development expertise can help manifest your ideas into powerful solutions. Looking forward to unraveling more mysteries together. Thanks, [person's name] intend not to be bothered and simply react with unsubscribe 230727 ... e_o_i The unusual part is it's in German. And despite not being in a European country, B & N's business has apparently won 2 million euros from a German family foundation: Hallo und herzlichen Gl�ckwunsch, Sie haben 2 Millionen Euro von der Familienstiftung Cristy Davis gewonnen. F�r weitere Informationen und wie Sie Ihre Spende einfordern k�nnen, wenden Sie sich bitte jetzt an mich. Gr��e Frau Cristy Davis ... (note: the umlauted u's and the eszett - fancy "S" - appear as question marks) 230728 ... raze "herpes virus hiding place revealed," one nameless person promises. and here i thought that was something no one really wanted to find. 230823 ... raze brady skeed just sent me an invitation to register for a beginner-based soccer program set up for children aged three to five. the last time i was young enough to qualify, the internet hadn't yet become available to the public, and the most recent madonna album was "true blue". 230829 ... raze "would you like uncontrollable embarrassing erections?" no thanks. i think i'll pass. i like being able to exert at least some control over the comings and goings of my manhood. 230907 ... raze nonexistent people with names like "viets dn1" and "mcshan kwyn" keep sending me invitations to view "collections" with names that are mostly incomplete statements. taken together, they create a sort of bland poetry, with the meaning of the words remaining just out of reach: our experts have final our form officer has c this message is to inf this message is intend we hope you are having we also present you wi we are sending this me and finished 230922 ... raze ann mullins says, "this notification was involuntarily sent." does that mean the spammer's been hacked? what a cruel twist of fate that would be. 231005 ... raze now the free association poetry has started showing up in the subject lines: let formula effort strip capable emphasis organic natural mayor summit describe childhood terrorism son metal impressive frustration student kiss 231013 ... raze ollypayson is "pleased to announce the good news of your form's reviewing stage completion". that's ... a very interesting and needlessly complicated way of documenting something that never really happened. 231014 ... raze "we have landed on a tremendous choice that we think can measure up to your standards." you gotta hand it to them. they always find the most convoluted way possible to say nothing. 231017 ... raze mr. paul mark says, "good_day. i was just wondering if you heard the good_news too." he doesn't say what that news is. maybe he's happy to have a last name that doubles as a first name, so if the first one ever goes missing he'll still be in fine shape. i can appreciate that. 231022 ... raze olga idriss says, "we cannot wait to reveal the most appropriate selection." and i sing: "tell me more! tell me more! was it love_at_first_sight?" 231117 ... raze an american seafood delivery service that may or may not be imaginary wants to give me fifteen dollars off my first order. i don't live in the states. 231128 ... raze "inquiring about your families," amy wells says. i was under the impression (apparently mistaken) that i only had one. 231213 ... raze lily scrymgeour tells me she's "very crszy for sex now". i wish i could say the same, but i'm only crszy for cuddling. 240111 ... raze john berube, stephanie rivers, richard pierce, and maria rogriguez have all requested $99.96 from me through venmo. again, i don't have a venmo account. 240131 ... raze an email from stella garcia: "hey, hope you're well! i've got some amazing news to share — i'm coming to your city soon! i'm planning to arrive around 3rd february and can't wait to catch up with you! can you believe it? i'm already packing my bags and thinking back about all our previous escapades. i bet on this occasion we can come up with something way more thrilling. any plans or ideas for what we should do together? maybe there are a few new places you'd like to show me? also, i wanted to check if it's okay for you to meet up around the 3rd of february? i'm open with my schedule, so tell me if there's a different time for you. looking forward your reply and so thrilled about our upcoming reunion!" she sent it the day she was supposed to arrive, giving me no advance notice. and there were no previous escapades. we've never met or communicated in any medium. 240204 ... raze nothing interesting to report when it comes to the content of any recent spam emails, but i gotta say these nonexistent people have some memorable names. lantha micco. everett glenn. salley nute. ampherny. and, my favourite: peacock. 240308 ... raze kase kane begins: "dear robert fansler." let me stop you right there, kase. because that ain't my name. it's not even close. 240326 ... raze byeongik murphrre, rhizlane humphreys, and over fifty-eight other users have contributed to my nonexistent wetransfer account. my available balance now stands at $33.366 in us funds. two things: 1. i didn't know cents worked that way. 2. a little over thirty bucks is all more than sixty people could scrounge up? really? 240414 ... raze and now my email account has been "chosen at random" to receive almost two million dollars from the imf. that's ... one hell of a random thing to do. even if it's a lie. 240416 ... raze walmart is offering me an easter gift card. i think it's a little late for that now. 240424 ... raze just got a message about participating in this year's valentines_day giveaway. in the middle of may. something doesn't quite seem right there. 240521 ... raze now the bogus "you just won an arbitrary amount of money" emails have emoticons in the subject line — yellow faces with green dollar bills for tongues. they look like they're puking up raw sewage. 240724 ... raze an email from ronald davis is entitled: "covered with their missiles". in italian, he writes: "the shoulders, the hands and the other limbs, they affirm the weapons to be." 240828 ... raze "scientists at the university of arizona were left in complete awe after they discovered that taking this common antifungal medication makes the infection seven times worse," someone without a name tells me. "they were shocked to see that a drug prescribed by all doctors in the country can cause IRREVERSIBLE fungal infection. watch this shocking leaked video and find out all about this." it wouldn't be so strange if it didn't come with a subject line that claims there's no need for me to be single any longer, because my perfect match has been found. a little incongruous, no? unless the deeper message here is that romance and fungus are interchangeable... 240907 ... raze yet another message from a supposed lawyer about some unnamed person who's died and left millions of dollars in limbo, and how i'm somehow the key that's going to unlock all that money. the dude's name? "attorney". 240922 ... raze a certain r. chen has emailed me twice in the last five days to tell me how happy he is to get in touch about a "business transaction". the thing is, he provides no details about what said transaction entails. none at all. 241021 ... raze "get hard and stay hard — on your terms." now *that's* how you sell boner pills. 241111 what's it to you? who go blather from