revert raze who were you before? go back to that place. walk around inside that person who doesn't exist anymore. listen to the hollow sound your footsteps make. it's like kissing someone you haven't seen in years. hesitation gives way to a confidence you didn't know you had, and the old moves come back. you remember what this is. the way it feels. what you're meant to do. how do you kiss when you have no lips? what are you meant to do then? 130226 ... unhinged back to the sad lonely sack i was before you like you never even happened i_wonder if i'll ever learn how to make myself happy (i just want someone to share my life with i guess that's too much to ask) 130226 ... Pilgrim The more things change the more they remain the same. Old Habits Die Hard. Trapped by Inertia Tried and True. 130321 ... kerry it felt good, pausing during the middle of office_space to pick up the phone and yell at my boss. before long she crumbled like a house of cards, apologizing and backpedaling-- i thought you wanted- you thought?! but why didn't you ask? well when we last talked-- i agree, it was a miscommunication. and i to be totally candid, now i wish i'd written everything down. and so on. and i hadn't felt so satisfied in a long time. i hung up, turned the movie back on, and smoked a joint. i have a problem with authority. one evening when i was very small--small enough to mix up george washington and george bush--i sat in the living room with my parents and watched footage of the horrors in bosnia. i remember asking my dad if it was george washington or george bush who was president. bush. he had a funny name. a bush is a plant. a plant can't be president. but to my dad, h.w. was not funny at all, he was monstrous. i said and i meant it, you should be president, and he laughed and said, no way. i asked why not. he said, the type of person who wants to be president, who wants so much power, no way. it's all about ego. (he probably didn't use the word ego at the time.) since then i have been more or less suspicious of anyone who wants to be at the top, who believes in hierarchy-- my work partner and i ran into the head of airport security, who is hellbent on removing all the homeless people from the airport even though since lockdown it is a public space. he corners us. updates, questions, intense eye contact. i back away, he steps closer. i feel like i'm buzzing. i become ornery, impatient. his voice drones on while i try to figure out how to get us away from him. i decide to smoke a cigarette even though i don't want one--maybe he will back away from me. surely the smoke will bother him. it doesn't work. i check my phone. i gaze off into space. i ask him to repeat himself, even though i can hear him fine. i tell him we don't care about stakeholders, we care about people. i remind him we don't work for him. he says he prays for them. he will invite linda, his favorite, to his house for christmas dinner. he asks do i know who he was in the bible. his name is jeremiah. i'm not familiar with the bible. i was homeless, he said, his eyes glittering. he almost looks happy. 210917 what's it to you? who go blather from