claudia alright. i don't know what to say. i'm not even sure what i can say. i'm not creative. i'm not poetic. but i was ambitious. and ambition killed my pants today. that's all i know. that's it. 000726
jake so, what did you learn today?
don't be ambitious. you'll just fuck up your pants. no one wants that.
moonshine fuck the pants, There much more money to made in the underwear business! 000726
silentbob i can't believe it, now that i have the ambition to work on my web page, angel fire is being a whore. 010926
girl_jane My mother called him a marble on a carpet-doesn't move until somebody pushes him. I thought it was funny. His girlfriend, my sister, did not. 020815
the_engineer A marble on a carpet, all objects at rest tend to stay at rest. newtons law.
That likens well to the human persona. "People are where they want to be" That is a quote my friend always uses, wisdom from his mother, and in analyzing ambition, or lack thereof, really sums it all up and I really do understand the reason behind some of this...

I need some ambition. I am that marble on a carpet, probably a bit more like a marble on a waterbed someone is rolling around in, but not one participating in a real game of marbles. fighting to stay in the circle and suceed, reign supreme of something, have ambition to succeed.... as much as marbles have ambition.
amy schemes again I oscillate between a would-if-i-could kind of person, to a i-really-want-to-what's stopping-me type to a i-wouldn't-so-i-shouldn't person to a hey-nice-work-don't-you-think-you've-done-enough person. if I'm supposed to be building something up, I truly don't have a good focus on what it might be. it's not blind or blonde, it's just that might-you-be-wasting-your-time feeling versus the whole blame-the-background-limitations. can i give up? sometimes, i think i can, kinda like sometimes you don't truly need to wash your hands before eating or drinking, etc. I know I'm not too lame and I'm not much of a partier, so it's not like I haven't put in good tries, I just couldn't think about Europa, or stinky steady states, i'm sorry Jim. dumb of me to sign up in the first place -- i guess one can be too openminded, conceptually. sounds like the Nazis, doesn't it, if you get rid of all the science.

so yeah, the question lately is - to get the nursing degree and subsequent jobs or to continually coast along at one job and another slowly learning how to manage my money better as time goes on, build that social life that Gandhi thinks I shouldn't (I guess people talk too much behind each other's backs nowadays) and blahdie blah blah blah. hey, maybe the ghost of Gandhi is too sensitive. I'm mad today because even given all the education I've had I still have to take BIO 101 at the local community college and it makes me believe that the whole nursing idea might just be way lame. I was getting credits for it some years back, and stupidly enough I completely forgot that I was even doing all that until last week. 2005 was a year that really threw me. and then 2006 didn't get me anywhere and 2007 was, well, I don't know. irresponsible maybe. who knows I'll write many papers over the whys and the why nots to reassure myself of my diligence. I'm sure it'll all look like wasted energy to those who reach their successes without too many handicaps. to those with all the luck or guile to get what they need!

this ambition could be blind, but i could never call it blonde. if it's blonde, first i gotta dye it rainbow and then you might see me making good on the issue. if i had been less alone and in my twenties, i would have done okay with grad school. alas, alas.... okay.... nursing school? i got that dragon's fire in my sail again, but i don't want to waste time, energy, money, life. i kinda think it might be a dumb idea. but then, once i get a paycheck, that's never a dumb idea. prince to save me be damned, you know?
three words attention_training ambition towering 180820
unhinged i've never had much of it. dreams, fantasies, stories...millions of those. but barely an ounce of ambition in me. i want other people to see me as a good person but i could care less if i am successful in the eyes of others.

why am i jealous of others' success? it seems like a strange reaction in someone without much ambition. maybe it's because of the precarious nature of my work. maybe it's because my career isn't much of a career, just work. maybe it's because in the past six months i have grown so tired of teaching that i want to jettison my career altogether and have been indulging in all kinds of fantasies about how i could be a self made millionaire, travel the world and see all the great things that all the bougie rich people around here casually take for granted and casually toss around in casual conversation 'well i'm gonna have to keep at least a little british and scottish paper money on me to pay the taxi'

my passport has been expired for almost a decade.

i guess that is my be a woman of international leisure. i was definitely born in the wrong era; the european history of rich people being patrons of the arts always pinches me. yes it would be nice to find a rich prince that found me so beautiful and talented he would pay for my life of leisure. princess myths, especially cinderella, infected my mind when i was young it seems.
what's it to you?
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