you_can't_hurt_me_anymore anti-social butterfly you can't hurt me anymore. i am not in love with you. i don't want you anymore. you can't hurt me. go ahead and try. test my strength. it is there for the first time. i am finally strong. my strength is new, and it is growing, needs time to mature. but nonetheless, it is there. show me any girl you please. show them all off. tell me how much you love them, or don't. i don't care. i don't want you, don't need you anymore... you can't hurt me anymore. 011127 ... kali oh shit. i guess you can. 011128 ... ClairE I wish. Maybe if I make myself tired enough. You can't. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and it will be one of those days where you don't hurt me. But "can't"? Hmm. I doubt that. Damn. 011128 ... ClairE I'm free! Why am I so disappointed? 011128 ... whoknows maybe b/c youre not really free yet...? 011129 ... ClairE Sometimes we like to be hurt. Because we feel connected. But I guess in a sense that isn't really being free. 011130 ... whoknows never thought of it that way. maybe b/c i dont feel connected when im hurt. i feel more like ive just been unconnected. 011130 ... silentbob choking on blood and bathing in numbness my walls are up and i am saded 011130 ... yummychuckle because I realize the games you play aren't so fun, and I'm quitting. *kicks monopoly gameboard* ::peices fly everywhere, fake money flutters to the ground:: isnt that always how it ends when you play with a little frustrated kid? 011130 ... Aimee cause I won't let you! 011130 ... unique butterfly that's what i keep telling myself. i won't go through that again. for all the pain and misery i felt, i won't go through it again. ever. but what if i do? will i die? will i make it through with flying color? will i ever truly be over it? questions... maybe if i just stop thinking about it, i'll be fine. maybe it's something deep inside that wants to feel bad. to let go. i will let go. maybe, if i face the reason... the reason it happened. i really don't know. it just didn't. no, that's not true. it's because i yearn for attention and i thought maybe i would get more attention... but i didn't. so i really began feeling that way. i still want attention. when i don't get it, i feel so, so terrible. the weird thing is i really hate attention. i can't stand people constantly watching me. maybe that's it. i hate constant attention. mostly i just want to be noticed. i want to know for who and what i am. nobody knows. nobody ever asks. does that mean i need to tell people who i am? do i need to stop waiting and just show myself to everyone? how? HOW? how do i show them who i really am when even i am not sure? live your dreams, be true to yourself. right... i've given up on fairy tales. i used to love fairy tales and i guess deep down i was so sure that i would live one someday. i used to believe magic was real. i mean i believed it very seriously. but as everyone knows, it's not... i wish it was. so maybe that's what put me in the whole i've been digging myself out of the past 5 years or so. the realization that there is no such thing as magic. that being 5 the rest of your life isn't possible. you have to grow up someday. someday. i have. yet, i still act like a child. a child... me. i laugh more than i should. at silly things that really aren't that funny. i laugh. i laugh at everything. i've been putting myself down for laughing over the past few years... why? i always tell myself that i laugh even when something really isn't that funny, i laugh anyway. but, do i? i mean really, do i laugh because i think i'm suppose to or do i laugh because i think it's really funny? i don't know... i don't know anymore. i just don't know. i want to be a better person. i'm not as nice as i used to be... but when i was so nice, i got walked all over. i still get walked over, but not as much. i've started standing up for myself, yes, but in the process of trying to gain some respect, i've become... well, not the nicest person. i'm not mean, but i could be a lot nicer. how do i be nice and get respect? how do i be mean and get respect? it's a mystery to me. i need to be a better person. i need to be a better christain. i'm sure God thinks... no, nevermind, God knows what i really think. i don't need to explain. God doesn't think i'm a bad person, but God knows that i need to be a better person. i know i need to be a better person... do gain respect from being a nice person? do you really? so many questions. so many thoughts. i'm working on it. i really am. so depression, you can't hurt my anymore, because i refuse to let you. not tomorrow or in a couple months or even in a year. now. i refuse to let you hurt me now. i need to start being being a better person now, not later, which i so often think i'll do. if i don't start now, i never will. 020415 ... unhinged poems 020415 what's it to you? who go blather from