god_i'm_such_a_freak Lila Pause [I suspect that this is going to become my default blathe from now on...] - Anyway, so I was really used up today. I gave everything I had to this stupid creative writing piece, and I had to get out of house... So I went to the department store and lolled about in a daze for a hour, or two. I went to the children's section where I occasionally shop for myself, but not very often, because my days of teenage rakish-ness (skinnydom) seem to be ever dwindling like the sands through the hourglass. Anyway, so I was there flipping through all these little velveteen ruffle skirts when I see this massively tall man- he's just massive, like 6 foot 4. And he's wearing a suit, sort of charcoal; expensive looking. And I think: Oh god! It has to be my psychiatrist! I never saw his face because I'm disasterously short-sighted and I still haven't come to terms with it, and refuse to wear glasses. But I'm sure it was him! He was there with his wife and daughter, and I heard him speak and I think it was that south african accent... Add I was like, oh fuck! I used to fantasize about this moment- about meeting him in public. I don't know... that always intrigues me- meeting people out of context, seeing how they react. But I didn't want to go up to him. So instead, I just watched him through racks of clothes- they were picking out clothes for their daughter- and I browsed at the same racks where they were browsing, waiting to see if he would remember me and say something. ...And it made me think, oh no! look at me- I'm such a freak! I should never have quit therapy! - I also bought four headbands today. They were 75% off, but I fear that there's something off-beat and very freakish about that, also. 050513 ... Lila Pause I'm so cyncial that cynicism is passé 050514 ... Twitch i like ya... your one of the more interesting people I've had the pleasure of reading into. ...IM me sometime...My aim is StringedDream 050514 ... Lila Pause I'm_drowning_in_jealousy/self-hatred again. All my self-destructive tendencies are rising to the fore. I scrawled "people lie!" on the bathroom wall at school today in black ink. And I'm cooking up another cry for help, but I don't know what it will be yet. - There's no one to hold_me_down. 050518 ... neesh beautiful_freak 050519 ... Freak I got made fun of today because the movie Willy Wonka makes me cry. Its just when they walk into the candy room...everything about it is perfect. Everything is just so simple and happy and you just imagine being there yourself...and life is good. Not the kind of take-your-cares-away/ nothing-in-the-world-matters-anymore good. It gives you that calming kind of good feeling that you feel when youve been having a hard time and you suddenly realize that everythings going to be ok. 050519 ... Freak Its like walking into that room would feel like a huge sigh of relief. 050519 ... sirflaccid Therefore, no matter what the new film would be like, your image of bliss will have been tampered with. There is no way in hell for you to appreciate something that warps the image. It has to be the real thing. 050520 ... Lila Pause I could not look at him today...I'm on the edge of psychosis. It's likely he sees that. God, I fucking fell in love with my lecturer! I'm such a freak! ha ha. Of course it's not really love...yet it is- I hate everyone else! Nothing will ever come of it- and that's the way I like it. Yet, I despise myself. And more so than ever now. He gave me a mini rebuff today. And it shattered me. Now I have to reset the thing, make us even. I won't give him anything. I won't laugh at this jokes- he likes to have his little jokes with me. No. I wish I could walk into class in tears. I will be just another student in class. I can't fucking look at those green eyes. I'll go insane. I predicted this would happen from the first day, and of course, I had to make my little prophecy come true. I would rather love anyone else. God, I fucking need some loser to love. ...anyone. And it's all a little game to me- I know that. I love the awful anxiety, the rock-bottoms, the sad euphoria- the self-hatred. The fact that I can never impress him enough... never make him desire me- never, ever. It wets my masochist appetite and sates it all at once. 050525 what's it to you? who go blather from