ever_dumbening_tries ever dumbening sometimes i feel like a fraud. i struggled for so many years and then broke free. there was a window where breathing was a little easier, lighter. moments of grace, external internal, seemed more frequent and brighter. and i spoke of this lightness. but now it seems pulled away, and my doubt puts a retroactive bottle of snake oil in my hand. or so it feels. i dreamt last night of a magical light show, precision arcs, a more digital northern lights. i was overwhelmed with emotion at the beauty. i've been missing these things in my waking life. i returned to the notion of perception. see that fresh vegetable growing from the mound of horse shit? there's a reason the lotus is a symbol of buddhism. so it is time to prop open my eyelids with cartoon toothpicks. here are my small joys. my seeds of transformation that need water and light and patience. ~~ i've been needing a new bag for my laptop. my old one was crappo to begin with, and wear and tear has sent it to the grave. sturdy roomy funtional: i seek. i coveted my friend milton's timbuk2 bag. searches of new and used still had me dreaming, frustrated. randomly, i went to the cavernous long's drug store that's open 24 hours over on 51st and broadway. they recently reset the whole store (three cheers for category managment, and for my not doing it any more). i was there to buy tissues or some such, but the reset had me wandering to get used to the new layout. stumble stumble stumble. "open up the newspaper and what do i see, see my fake timbuk2 bag, lookin' at me" (apologies to zeppelin). sixteen dollars and ninety-nine cents, instead of one hundred. i suppress the flashes of sweatshop laboring that leap on my screen. i have no choice. i am excited and pleased. i have to hold on to these small things, even when they are flawed. ~~ i got to spend hours and hours this week, with people very dear to me: rexena_warrior_pimpness, and ouroboros, and marc and christy. temples and flowers and food. and talk. compassion and knowledge exchanged. ~~ my sister-in-law has a close friend who is going to get me 1600 dollars worth of software that i need, for way way less than that, because she works for the manufacturer. ~~ i shall return here. i have no choice. the bullshit is piled high. i must look for the good, otherwise i am a liar. 070629 ... cube That was refreshing. Thank you. ³ 070629 ... ever dumbening radiohead loud is good. 070629 ... unhinged i still remember what that incense smells like 070630 ... halloween FUCKING GUILTY! once i've shut the door, scream for joy! i did too, no worries! it wasn't a lucky place to stay anyhow. 070630 ... ever dumbening [unhinged, i still have a few sticks if you can believe it. nice memory to add to this page, btw. and you're right, it has a very memorable scent. cool, that.] long day of surf and golden gate park with food and friends and fireworks and more food in north beach. back home to a nice shower with french milled soap bought and brought from france by reg. i love people who know what to get me. ~~ 98% pure aloe vera with chamomile and comfrey is sooooo clutch. i don't think you understand. ~~ suurrrrrfff 070705 ... ever dumbening yeeeaaaa, boy. i live in the city (for at least another 27 days). 070705 ... ever dumbening body and mind overexposed: to wind sun surf smoke: sleepless in the early morning. shoes on fleece on steep rapid ascent: diamond heights. sunrise! 070705 ... . you can't do that when ya in prison. 070705 ... Strideo . . . and you know there's a long long way ahead of you but when your wheels get you there, things will turn out right! ever_dumbening_tires ... 070705 ... ever dumbening chicken john's mayoral campaign 070930 ... xelda The Mega Longs... I succumbed to it long ago... 071001 ... ever dumbening getting very tired of trying. ever_dumbening_tires, and not in that "rubber meets the road" kinda way. 110226 what's it to you? who go blather from