the_loss_of_innocence jane had i answered honestly all the things i'd been asked, instead of skirting the inquiry the way my father would (god i hate it when he does that), perhaps..... who wants to know what could have been? nostalgia is a waste of cranial storage. better to use it on something like multiplication tables or color mixtures. the way it smelled when the sun burned the mountaintops. & so i am not the marble statue i once claimed that i was - i am merely a pillar of salt - merely a woman who could not help but glance backwards to loss. my humanity is ironically immortal. * * * once i finished the red wine i remembered (well i had never forgotten) how i had wanted to spend it - over some goddamn black & white cheesy movie setting scene - i didn't expect candles, per se, but the would have complemented the scene. idyllic. it would be like before, when there was no worry except that of should i or shouldn't i take the risk? when i was free to express myself because there was no potential anything. when did the ideal become so uninviting? was it because summer lethargically transitioned into autumn? * * * i want that taste in my mouth again. nothing lost, nothing gained, right? well they are right about one thing - memories are haunting. hell must be mansions filled with memories; starting at the top (the most recent) - one works his way down to the basement (all that i had shoved in my subconscious). the swell of daddy's pipe, the way it felt to sit on the roof of the playhouse, or that time i was nine or so & overheard the boys behind me on the path say they were going to rape me. no, that's not subconscious. the embarassment i felt when trying to tell my parents was overwhelming. * * * i keep going back to that thought - how everyone has their dominant sense. mine was always the visual, & the aesthetics that came with that territory. i minored in touch. i always wished somehow i had done more with sound, but the explanations behind it are disappointing to me, like when they explained why leaves lose their chloroplasts in the fall & the equation of photosynthesis. the magic was gone. rain was no longer raindrops freshly falling from dark cotton clouds, it had a cycle of evaporation & precipitation. the sun is (one in infinity) ball of gas burning hydrogen into helium, that, like so many before it, will inevitably surrender to supernova. love is just a series of chemical reactions in our synapses, evolution's way of getting us to procreate. 050927 ... fuffle Tony, you can give up, or make a real difference... turn around and change it. who is are the biggest terrorists? - but any person with a gun or a tank. you are a man - so be one. being at the front with a flag behind you should be a position you should take advantage of, don't follow the crowd put a brave face on and take off your red tie, put more colours on it. war fighters are not peace keepers ! action against poverty ! you should practice a non violent attitude - that is true peace keeping. so don't give up, make a difference, everyone is waiting for it - it's logical isn't it ? everyone is confused about what is going on in the world including me, why is everyone fighting? why do people put up fences? it was long before any of us were around, so it's no ones fault then is it... but it's our fault if we don't make a difference and change it all around. 070510 ... opposite ? the_gain_of_corruption 070510 ... unhinged innocence gets you hurt and hurt only leads to fear and keeps you away from everything that you hold dear til loneliness brings hate for those who brought you down i say let's build a slaughterhouse in the center of this goddamn town and call all you pigs out by name i know who you are and you're the ones to pay for this so no screams shut your mouth and close your eyes and get back in line from sickhouse ivet frank silver 070511 what's it to you? who go blather from