lux It's seeming mOre and more that the purpose of my life is to have him stop me from od'ing. 110820
lux "lay on your side, baby, so you don't choke on your vomit." 110820
birdmad kick.

one way or the other, kick...

it will suck however you do it, but get rid of the monkey before it eats you

nineteen years later i still miss that first moment after it gets into your blood but i don't miss the itch
unhinged heroin_doll

i've spent my adult life on the edges of it, most recently and fucking horribly memorably watching someone i really loved fuck up over and over and over again with me, with his son, with the police, with his ability to have a normal life.

it was emotionally stunting and devastating.

and ever_since i first read this post, i have been thanking whatever higher power watches over me, that i myself never fell down this particular hole. that i was always on the fringe of it, my hand out, trying to pull others up, and somehow never quite falling all the way down.

i will spend the rest of my days wondering what the fuck finally happened to him, how it all ended. chances are he will someday finally stay dead from it. there is a part of me that will always be heavy with that; knowing he had a heart and life so damaged he could never manage to stay clean.

but i tried goddamnit. i will not be destroyed by this shit by proxy for_fuck's_sake
unhinged (one day he won't be able to stop it; you might survive anyway, but you will overdose. maybe he will be the one that finds you blue, not breathing. maybe it will be just in time so that the paramedics can still revive you.

but it is the inevitable conclusion that someday you will come across some shit you can't handle and your heart will stop.

my ex has overdosed seven times.

seven motherfucking times. don't ask me how he is still alive.

but the day he died the last time was one of the worst days of my life in recent memory. sadly, that was the day i learned to stop worrying about things out of my control.

that was the day i learned how to let_go

that was the day i should have walked_away for good, but sadly it took me six more months and a questionable physical encounter to finally give up on that)
unhinged he mentioned wondering what skeletons were in my closet but didnt ask any direct questions so i didnt offer any answers.

but ive been thinking of answers ever since

and being on the fringes of this my whole adult life has changed the way i trust people and the words that come out of my mouth when my buttons get pushed

holding it all in with heroin addicts gave me panic attacks
unhinged . 141126
unhinged there is a program in seattle called 'real change' which is a newspaper that centers around homelessness issues that is sold on the street by the homeless, jobless to help them earn money which will hopefully eventually lead them to housing (but i doubt this program is succeeding at that as the cost of housing here goes the way of san_francisco but i digress). my favorite real change vendor was outside my job but i didn't have any cash so i decided to go around the corner to the bank so i could by a copy from him.

as i walked to the bank i saw a man sitting on the stoop of the building with a huge gaping sore in his elbow, the telltale orange cap of a needle on the stoop next to him, and i couldn't tell if he was alive or dead. maybe he was just nodded_off...i knew the signs. i had a heart_pang that was immediately chased away by disgust. which was then chased away by guilt; i have a human face on this problem. for twenty years, i have had a human face on this problem. but when confronted by street junkies in seattle my first reaction is disgust.

i lean into this disgust. it is fueled by fear. why am i really afraid? because so many years ago i had tried my own oxy_blanket and the only reason i wasn't on that stoop with an abcessed injection site half dead with no idea of the world walking right past me was because i had a strong enough support system to keep me away even when all i wanted was oblivion.

so many people in this country do not have a reason, any reason, to stay away from this stuff. every time i look in the mirror, i have a human face on this problem.
what's it to you?
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