the_spork_says
the spork this is not an advice column

this is just random Andy-Rooney style pronouncements and observations.

If anyone had asked me, i would have told you:

* if nothing else, Bush's presidency will provide Saturday Night Live with at least four years worth of good sketches at his expense

* i am frightened by the presence of Braille buttons on drive-through ATM machines

* i don't know about anywhere else, but i'm glad that the Taco Bell restaurants around here seem to have figured out that "Chilito" is almost universally recognized as being slang for "dick"

* the french film "Romance" was quite possibly one of the most startling things i've seen in awhile, but i stll prefer the works of Greenaway

* masturbation is, depending on the day either highly underrated or highly overrated, the only time it's ever just right is when it's mutual

* i like to offend the staff at Arby's restaurants by ordering chicken fingers and then commenting that i can imagine a whole bunch of chickens who will never ever play piano again 		001231
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Spork O Rama Sporkomatic Sporkarino * Paper cuts and shaving nicks are the worst, especially when they are located on or near the genitalia

* Ninety nine percecnt of all breast implants look kinda weird to me

* The words on the underside the soda bottle cap said "Please Try Again" I don't know why, i'm pretty sure i opened it the right way

* Maybe they should change that little message on the bottom of the rear view mirror to read "objects in mirror are practically up your ass"

*Just because you paid three times what i make in a year on some overpriced status symbol version of an SUV does not mean that you own the right of way at all times, especially not when i have the light.

* Speaking of which, isn't it sad that the only sports these Sport Utility Vehicles will ever see is that of being driven badly on city streets by assholes who paid too much money for them in the first place? 		010103
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Thyartshallshant *tears* LMAO. Sporky, i dont know who you are, but i like you. First of all, your name is spork, and sporks kick ass. Sencond of all, your truth makes me want to have an orgasm. Its just that good. 010103
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the spork i wish i lived in a more rural setting...

god knows i detest a great portion of the people one might find in a rural setting, but at least the rain must smell ever so sweet when it comes and when it has fallen for awhile

this city perhaps does not see enough rain

the grease and soot cake over it and the nasty brown haze that settle over this place

if it doesnt rain for long enough when it does rain here, it makes the city smell like a dirty wet dog

hydroplaning on the greasy rainbow-slicked pavement

everyone here is from somewhere else where it rains more, but as if they were overtaken by tennyson's lotus-eaters they have forgetten whatever sense of these things they had when they got here

but sometimes it sure is fun to watch 		010112
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the spork i say a lot of things, actually, but i never presume so far as to expect that anyone take my words as gospel

these are merely my opinions

they are not a design for living

i will not bust your balls for disagreeing with me unless you make it personal, and then i'll save your balls for last, preferring to bust your toes with a hammer first and then working my way through fingers and teeth,
(but mostly that's
just because i'm evil, and crime is my favourite hobby)

if i can offer only one thing as a mantra it is simply this:

"in a hundred years, who's gonna care?"

these be the words of the spork,
amen. 		010404
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yummychuckle I heart you spork. and your thoughts.
and sporks.
in fact my fixation on sporks gets kinda creepy. I belong to three yahoo clubs devoted to sporks, and have 5 spork webpages bookmarked on my computer. and, of course, an assortment of sporks lying about my room. and i carry a spork with me at all times, and i wont accept other people's silverware.

so needless to say, i thought you were awesome the moment i laid eyes on your screenname.

and i'm not crazy...

but then again, just the fact that I feel a need to add the comment "i'm not crazy" makes me a little crazier.
as does this.

bye. 		010604
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the spork Sixers vs Lakers

"the answer" meets shaq and kobe

smells like ratings
(and like the lakers in six) 		010604
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the spork Five Words:

"hang up and drive, motherfucker"

and five more for the asshole with the laser pointer in the movie theater:

"Want that in your ass?" 		020226
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The Spork Dubya Bush: vegetable or noxious weed?

Listen to that boy go, you know no amount ofcooperation is going to dissuade him from starting his oil war with Baghdad.

It's all just pretext and pretense. the next sound you hear will be that of a million forgone conclusions. 		021203
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