mothers_seem_invincible
bethany she will forever be the mother that would
give me milk and cookies
and i had to wipe off my feet before i came in from the pool
and not put beads in jessie's hair because she didn't like it
she wasn't my mother
but she seemed just as invincible to me
and now she's gone
and it doesn't seem right 		020804
...
squint thats the thing. They are supposed to.

but she looks like a little girl more often and it leaves me unprotected. I can't save myself if I'm busy trying to save her. 		020805
...
kerry mine breaks down all the time. she needs to be repaired. 020805
...
uow then one night, they come home tired
and they don't wake up

so you sweep the floor

and you stand at the foot of their bed
saying wake up mommy wake up

you spray yourself with their perfume

but they don't wake up

and you go to sleep crying wake up mommy

but they don't wake up

and you stay sleeping in your bed
when the ambulance is taking them away

and you don't know what's happening
but you'll wake up to hear the bad news

you have to go to school today

and at school you cry

you explain to all your friends

but you don't know what's happening
it's all confusing as it'll ever be

and you pray that they will wake up
and you pray that they will be okay

it's all confusing as it'll ever be
and you don't know what's happening

but you tell yourself to be strong

so you clean the kitchen table

and you wait day after day you wait
until the day you hear the good news

and you wonder about god

when you hear their voice on the phone
you ask them if they are okay now

you ask what is it like
and you wonder if it was all a dream

it's all confusing as it'll ever be
and you don't know what's happening

when you hear their voice on the line
you ask them if they are okay

you wait day after day you wait

but it'll be a month or more
before they can come home

and you're not allowed to visit
so you can only imagine the hopital

when you hear the phone ring
you ask them if they are okay


and you sweep the floor
and you clean the kitchen table

and you wonder about god
as you spray yourself with their perfume

and you have to go to school today

one day you will come home from class
and they will be there at the door

and you will tell them
you like their haircut
you ask them if they are okay

it's all confusing as it'll ever be
'cause you don't know what's happening 		040924
...
uow *hospital

*you'll 		040924
...
Lila Pause Sometimes I fantasise about getting myself knocked up.
...Randomly and cunningly. Easily.
I would trash all my grand career plans and all the healthfood in my cupboards. I would eat deep-fried everything and let the government (pathetically) subsidise my child's upbringing. The cheapest brand of nappy, food stamps and the worst public schools all the way.
And best of all, I would never have to miss another episode of Dr. Phil in my life
ever again. 		040925
...
rubydee until they go and commit suicide on christmas day

then they become a felo_de_se



and i wake up every morning sad 		060115
...
nom sometimes she says
she feels like a kid
like i am her mother

sometimes she says i'm her best friend

sometimes i think she doesn't know me
sometimes i think i don't know her



i've found her weeping


i want to forgive her
i tell her it wasn't her fault



she wasn't there
she was sick 		060120
...
birdmad over time, i had become conditioned to fear her disapproval more than the possibility of my father's anger.

mainly because her disapproval was a lingering thing, like the smell of burnt coffee in a closed space

and here, on what would have been her birthday if she were still here, i still cannot resolve this ambivalence 		060123
...
Freak we have to be

if not for ourselves, for everyone else

after you become a mother you feel like you have a 6th sense 		060123
...
rubydee you've been gone a year
i still catch myself
walking to pick up the phone
to call you 		061224
...
nom daughters_seem_indestructible 061224
...
nom or

children 		061224
...
nom i love my mom 070129
...
tessa i love my mum too

I wish she was invincible
she isn't 		070129
...
rubydee oh sweet children of mine
please realize that i'm not 		121215
...
n o m i am always scared 160302
...
flowerock. Invincible and unconvincable. Frightening and unstoppable. I was afraid of her most of my years. I always hoped the neighbor's would hear my screaming and come to help me, they never did, no one did, I had to help myself. I finally left when I was 19 and didn't go back until ... was it last year? I'm 28 now. After some restraining orders, time apart, and distance, I felt ready to talk again.
She doesn't seem to invincible any more, I think she's grown past some of her issues. 		160302
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
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