shiva yesterday was fine. first contact in two months. but now we are showing pictures, and i can't stand it. sorry, girl. i just liked you too much to have a normal conversation. 011203
ClairE But I know that it's been too long.

We're old enough to try it, easily now, been together long enough, but the time has passed. If not the moment.

And for once I am not pushing it too far.

(I just think of her in bed, sometimes. Alone.)
ClairE , you said. And all I thought was

this world is sad

even though my mind seemed full with it.
unhinged because there are still things that i will never say but they are different things now
like how she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because she has her spotlight elsewhere
and when she asks me if i want to hang out after basically ignoring me for two months i still say yes even though when she's not around i keep telling myself that i don't want to have anything to do with her
spending months alone tends to make a person desparate for human contact even if that contact is going to keep you up at night
whoknows again, unhinged reads my mind 011206
unhinged kiss

i told her in a round about subtle way after i had sat in my room for hours reading my oceanography for my beautiful 8am final on monday morning and she called to tell me that she hadn't expected to be stuck at his house for another night and was holed up in his room listening to nirvana because she had some kind of social anxiety problem and there were a bunch of high school kids downstairs getting drunk off shots of vodka and screaming like banshees. and i just couldn't take it anymore. she had no clue how many times i was holed up in my room listening to nirvana or ivet or smashing_pumpkins trying to make all the screaming drunk high school kids of depression in my head go away because she had disappeared. because i was no longer of any value to her. it probably didn't help that a person who shall remain nameless from now on so that i don't offend him has finally severed his ties with me and the final loss of the war was hard for me to bear. it didn't help that i walked into the dining hall on thursday night prepared to eat alone as usual and she came running up to me for a hug creating her big dramatic scenes that i guess i was still good for after all. and she said she would call me tonight and i was hoping that she wouldn't because i didn't want to go anywhere with her, wanted to perpetuate my dislike of her, knew i wouldn't be able to say no if she called. but she was stuck in east palestine listening to nirvana in wes's bedroom.

people suck
whoknows dont they 011208
ClairE I don't want you to get hurt. 020102
kerry people suck ass, unhinged, especially people like that. 020102
jimc unhinged, you are my mind and my voice. To have your talent and your insight. It's a shame we always talk about the same person. 030505
ClairE Seven years. 031115
Opera The beauty of the kiss. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It is in the moment that it is spectacular. 040302
Mahayana i shake involuntarily, as with fear, cold, and weakness; i quake; i quiver; i shiver; i shudder; for you-- she said of a certain someone

even when i glimpse you for a moment
my tongue is stilled as speech deserts me
while a delicate fire is beneath my skin -
my eyes cannot see, then,
when i hear only a whirling sound
as i shivering, sweat
because all of me trembles;
i become paler than drought-grass
and nearer to death ...
what's it to you?
who go