waiting_for_9 andrea this feeling that’s grown inside me is pushing its way to the surface begging to be let out while my insecurities & fears keep it trapped just below the edge of my skin & that impending release frightens me more than anything else has ever in my entire life the 3 words I’ve dream of hearing from someone so secure & trustworthy arenow the ones I fear & dread receiving into my ears even more so, I know my reality will be shaken when they finally escape my mouth say is isn’t so, that it’s all a part of some wonderful & incredibly unreal dream I’m having if this is the beginning, surely there must be an end lurking somewhere in the shadows, behind a bush waiting to jump out & catch me at my most unprepared, my most vulnerable, my weakest a time when I am so totally unguarded & unable to protect all the things I’ve let out & I have no on to blame but myself & the way I’ve let them shape my, mold me into this fearful creature, crouched & ready to strike out when I am threatened anger boils in the pit of my stomach & makes it churn as I realize that no matter what happens to them, whether they forget me, whether they regret me, or whether they receive their ultimate punishment with GOD I will forever & always carry a piece of them with me, a dark blackened bit of their hate if they had known the outcome of their actions, would they have been so incredibly selfish & cruel, or would they have taken into consideration all it would bring me? I doubt it…the monster that lurked in them needed to feed upon an innocent I only thank GOD that the second & third times I was not so innocent anymore I wish I could change myself remove the scars & smooth the rough edges, erase the horror stories & replace them with sun…but I know to do that would take away my caution the one thing that marks me as me & no one else and this "me" this person I’ve evolved to be is so very intriguing as I find myself reading my words & hearing thoughts echo in my head & wondering where all of this anger, this passion, this emotion comes from it’s time for me to go & for the life of me, I don’t want to…don’t want to see that face again that turns me inside out can’t stand to hear the words I want & hate to hear am not able to bear the comfort I feel in those arms my heart & my psyche are battling, having an incredible war…I’ve no clue what will win, only hope no one gets hurt because I know what I am capable of & am also aware of what I’ve never been & strive to be so many thoughts let out at once has made me tired & very hesitant, but I know I have to have to…have to what? have to go & tuck my fears away & bring out the smile & the laugh I don’t want to ruin any plans, but a part of me is resisting I thought I’d conquered it & now it’s resurfacing again will I ever let go? will I ever live the dream I buried in the sand? patience is not a strength of mine & sometimes, neither is perseverance the words on lavender paper creep into my mind & the butterflies are reborn…I wish I was one of them, that I could tuck my self away & emerge as something new & delicate & beautiful the sun is setting & I’m late GOD help me do this, be with e every step of the way, console me as you have never before & I will not ask another thing of You five weeks are left & all my question will start being answered…I hope they are the ones I want, but an unwilling to admit to copyright 2000 000828 ... its okay i too have lived, things happen to everyone...what person has a right to find fault with another? I will borrow patience from Job 000829 ... Job we are all worth idolizing but perhaps shouldn't carry it too far...someone i once fell deeply in love with i had found very homely at first...my how that changed 000829 what's it to you? who go blather from