crushes_suck disposable pink razor they're all exactly the same there's a stage where i don't think it's a big deal and don't particularly care and... whatever, who cares? it's just a guy. then i oscillate between thinking he just might like me and telling myself to shut up and pretending i don't care to myself because it doesn't really matter and my day's worth is utterly dependant on the content of five seconds of conversation, or the presence or lack of a smile ((which means nothing)) and i act like a total moron and attempt to cover my obsession by being as bitchy as possible to said object, or something idiotic and then either he finds out and i momentarily die of embarassment or i just die because of having been torturing myself for the last year about him and give up on it or something happens where i never see him again or it just fades away and then the cycle begins again... and every single time it feels exactly the same and i think of it the same way and the ((agony && rapture)) is as real as the first time as the tenth i think it's addictive, psychosis 041127 ... smurfus rex this would be me, except for it'd have to be for a girl, and it'd have to be just one that never goes away. I try to keep my psychosis under control, and I succeed most of the time. But there was that one time when I just laid everything out in front of her, died of embarrassment, and kept right on crushing. Argh. is not a serial crusher 041127 ... . 041129 ... fix 041129 ... Lila Pause My new crush has started to hatch, leaving the old one out on the back door step, suddenly redundent. Can I even be botherered switching allegiences? Yes, but this time I'll keep it on the backburner. I'll let it simmer away uneventfully. I'll only treasure the suspense a little. And in the crampted backroom of my own imagination, i'll tease myself mercilessly about my own idiocy (In imaginery french and kx21 speak)Absolutely not! absolument pas!! - Not a contender, and most certainly not a silent fan in the wings perfecting the high-art of highly unrequited infatuation... 041204 ... aM i DiStUrBeD? Is it really bad when you get to the point where you have had a string of unsuccessful crushes that have amounted into nothing and at last you settle upon the perfect person: He makes you laugh even at the most unexpected times, he sees the funny side of yourself and seems to dwell there, he makes you smile when there is nothing to smile about. But most of all he makes you feel that it is ok to be yourself and he likes you when you are yourself, nothing more or less. But is it even worse when this person is your friend? And you love him? And it’s all you can do not to tell him you like him more than friends. It’s all you can do just to keep the friendship alive and to hope he likes you too. What on earth should I do? 041205 ... Syrope when we're lying together and i find myself peering at you shyly from underneath my hair or over the curve of a pillow, i realize i still have a crush on you. i still can't quite understand that you're mine. so i'll keep bumbling along... 041205 ... jane sonofabitch 041205 ... phil I fail to listen to reason so I get on rampages going in my head over another person, headaches clash together and tumble slowly bubbling back. He shot himself today (psycho babble). But reason tells me none of this can be true, that tree isn't a person. This blathe I am reading was not written by her. Not everyone is the same, not everything is true. But my brain just didn't care, it just kept sliding around unharnessed like a wingless bat made of soap. She is her, what she says is true, I don't need to worry. Everything is OK. Their voices are not her thoughts. My thoughts are not being read. I love her, they are not mocking me. They are not stupid. But my mind, it needs time. maestro! bring up the music! Get me out of here, you monster. 041205 ... pink I think I wrote this... but I'm not sure 060520 what's it to you? who go blather from