im_a_fool_aloof_am_i Mahayana [ive been translated all wide of the mark] as if she barely took the occasion 2 glance at photographs no moments 2 examine the lexis :the yarn: & ‘that’ is how she assumed :me: into being not by analyzing words/thoughts/emotions rather what [she] sought me 2 be discerning that i could not be that individual layers are unraveling 020126 ... unhinged . 110221 ... blueskite fitting in so many ways. 110221 ... Ouroboros they all saw me as tainted and fragile and kept their distance because of the emotions i shared. this was the feedback i received. just more reasons not to open up to people ever, or expect them to accept me. so angry. so dumb. fuck em 110222 ... lostgirl i try to square my shoulders and stand tall...to pretend that none of this matters. but in the grand scheme of things, the importance of affinity makes itself apparent. 110223 ... unhinged i got the same feedback that closed me off then i found the community that told me different it is ok to feel it is ok to share it is ok to love so much you have a heart_pang and all any of us really want is to know that others feel the same i let life close me off and i couldn't see the beauty all around me now smiles have nothing to do with deception i.e. as i stood at the busstop today tears were in my eyes mixed with snowflakes not wanting to let the mascara run before work i tilted my head upward and sniffled the tears back in listened to some of the songs i recorded way_back_when (before life closed me off) the song i wrote about girls abutted with the atmosphere song 'i'm gonna be bigger than jesus bigger than wrestling bigger than the beatles bigger than breast implants' and i couldn't help but smile 110223 ... Ouroboros ehh- i'm over it. if people can't see past their judgments, too bad for them, as i am awesome. 110224 ... Ouroboros ok, i guess i'm not over it, since i've been lying here awake for 30 minutes processing. it hurts that what i thought was friendship and closeness was really worry. it hurts that i was written off because of what i shared. it hurts most of all that NO ONE SHARED THIS WITH ME FOR 6 WEEKS in our intimate group setting, even while seeing me, day after day. that is what is most insulting. that no one respected me, no one saw me as being a capable adult, not enough to tell me the truth. the aloofness and the closeness was all based on me being seen as the crazy-fucked-up-depressed- weird girl by them. there is learning for me in this pain. my pride is bruised. my feelings are hurt. i feel foolish. being honest doesn't necessarily mean being met or held. people are judgmental. and perhaps there is also truth in their worry. like a psychotic person does not know that the voices are hallucinations, maybe i cannot truly see how bad things are for myself. maybe not everyone struggles every day? maybe they saw clues that i am really not ok? even the group leader said he saw me as "shaky" at first, but then almost immediately saw my resilience and knew i was ok. but he did wonder at first, and he's been doing this for 30 years, so... then there's the honoring of my own path and experiences. that i didn't falsify myself upon meeting a new group of people, didn't pretend i was ok when i wasn't is a good sign for me. integrity. truth. it might not have been attractive, but i was true to myself. and i honor my process, my unfolding, my depths. even if others see it as a fault or pathology, i know i am whole, in my embracing of the parts of me that feel lacking. i wish i could shout this in their faces. but group won't meet again. and i'm not sure if i'd like to open up to these people again, anyway. i have to lick my wounds a little longer before i can hold them in compassion again. 110224 what's it to you? who go blather from