divine_feminine unhinged when i really listen to my heart, i feel this desire, this need to connect to myself in a sacred way. (i made the decision to poke the sorespot underneath my sexual wounds and traumas, to get to who i really was underneath. it hurts. a lot.) it started with the idea of a female tattoo artist because my tattoos have always been a sacred experience. then the pandemic came and my male_centered wrathful deity practice , sadhana_of_mahamudra , didn't feel right anymore. i needed a hug from the sacred grandma. my community started doing white_tara practice more regularly than our full_moon new_moon dorje_trolo practice. my library is closed so i have been buying books again like other women buy shoes. i can't stop reading about this...sacred women. goddesses. dakinis. i can't stop crying when i read about this...because i have disconnected myself from my soul. covered, severed, snuffed_out my own soul. because i was afraid of being seen. this hurts. a lot. there are twenty one taras. not just white_tara of my shambhala lineage, but other white taras as well. green tara. orange tara, red tara, dark red tara, yellow, saffron, black tara. each has her own special mantra unified by the general mantra. i prostrate my soul before the mother tara. i say the spell that draws her near. i absorb the cosmic grandma hugs. i cry. profusely. like coming home to a funeral like a ritual reincarnation of phoenix_girls like taking the bandage off a wound that needs fresh air 200701 ... e_o_i Something like this went down last year: Brother: I'd like this book for my birthday - The Divine Feminine in Ancient Europe by Sharon Paice MacLeod. Me: What about the mundane feminine? Him: What? Me: Like me. The mundane feminine who needs to check her email. ...But yes, I got the book, and last week I flipped through it. One thing that stuck with me is that the small figurines like Venus of Willendorf aren't all shaped like her (big-breasted and/or pregnant-looking). They represent all stages of life. (Venus W. is so cute, though. That small face, the braids, the breasts that also could be drawn-in arms or hands with boxing gloves.) And I am silly. But the mundane need not cancel out the divine. And my idea of ancients being more "serious" than moderns because some technology is inherently goofy is a bit odd. 200702 ... unhinged the mundane need not be separated from the divine. the reason why that ancient symbol of ying yang curvees in the middle to meet itself. now the west recognizes gender as fluid this particular being has herself been fluid i liked to wear neckties in grade school my father taught me how to tie a Windsor knot mens pants especially cargo pants i admired and desired women's bodies when i was young but also desired big strong hands male all over me in calculus class i was told my whole life to feel less to care less that my mother was less (by extension me and my brother...less) aren't women supposed to feel and care? what did the country in europe that my mom's grandparents came from have to do with anything? i had no physical contact with my mother for the first twelve days of my life just my father who came everyday to disconnect me from my incubator feed me so i grew up closer to men didn't know how to be feminine don't cry so much! don't care so much! just be tough! then he took it my virginity the thing that made me a girl (not much else seemed to i was too smart too sad too anxious just too much) i said no but he took it and any connection i had to this: divine feminine was destroyed i buried her i buried me i cared less i stopped saying no (why bother?) i thought loving women would save me (they didn't want me either) my heart shrunk my soul shrunk i was so angry but too young to really know why the past two decades(maybe three) of my life have been about hiding so of course i am alone i spent years with divine wrath (definitely a male thing so sure of itself so loud and brash he DOES what is required there is no cocoon the fire of his rage burned it away) but now that i am middle aged i want divine peace cosmic grandma hugs tara 200703 what's it to you? who go blather from