bleeding_wall BC I'm not stupid. I usually choose to look with my heart instead of my head. Not now. You know what my head sees? Actions I myself have taken, a long time ago. We're not so different at all. So what is it? Are you scared? Do you think that if you love them they have to go away? Are you so entrenched in your own head that you can't see what your doing? Are you really taking the cowards path? Who is trying to manipulate who? I've been on the defensive for so long, looking at you through rose colored glasses, taking the blame for anything you could throw at me. I was pathetic. I shamed myself with my foolishness. I am PROUD to say there are people out there who love me and want to lift me up and aid me any way they can. I do the same for them. I UNDERSTAND that nobody is perfect, not even me. I KNOW for why-ever that you've been looking for reasons to make me feel like shit and get me to not want to be with you. I KNOW I'm above the way I've reacted in the past to what you had to say to me and I KNOW your above whats going on right now. But you don't want to hear that your as responsible for this as me. You don't want to hear that your fallible. You don't want to hear that you need people. You don't want to hear that your as ambiguos in what you say as I am. You don't want to see how people love you and help you too and how you except it as easily as I do. You don't want to see how I've bent over backwards to accomadate you, how I called YOU every night, how I went out of my way to save a months worth of paychecks just to see YOU, how I shopped your lists, how I've been trying to rework myself for YOU. You don't want to see that I've been putting in the full effort to make this work. You don't want to acknowledge that just as many of your problems are your fault and you could fix them but its easier to wait for the problems to fix themselves. (Hmmmm...Should I be buying trinkets and toys or nuetering my pets? Maybe if I wait long enough and mention it often enough I can get someone else to clean these cages...and its okay to put it off because I feel bad about not doing it.) I turned my life upside down because I love you and I want you to be happy. And thats the trick isn't it? Is it really completely out of your head that my life ISN'T easy, that I have sacrificed for you, and maybe I'm just greatful for all the things that have gone well? But then not much has gone well for you so why should you know what its like to be greatful outside of a moment? I've truly mistreated you maybe twice in our whole (year long)relationship. But apparently that was to good to be true so you had to keep a tally on every little thing that didn't go the way you expected it to and fling it in my face like I'm some kind of asshole. And its not just me. Your eyes are focused on everybodys flaws, and most of the time its all you can see. The only reason your close-ones are still close-ones is because you don't see them often enough to take in their faults. You've come to expect getting shat on and when it doesn't happen you think something is wrong so you look for reasons to believe you've been shat on. My roomate is the same way, though he's getting better. He thinks the moment he admits to liking something that life will steal it from him. But for some reason I don't think you care. You've found your comfort zone. I think you've already made up your mind with a red cheeked scowl on your face and your fingers in your ears or perhaps with a selfrighteous indifference that you couldn't possibley be wrong. For all your talk of evolution, your the one thats stuck in a cycle. How dare I. Despite all this shit, I STILL LOVE YOU. I STILL want to marry you, hold you, help you, laugh with you, and cry. Take care of you when your sick, go on trips together, share our lives. Till death do us part and ,universe willing, beyond. You have lessons you need to learn. You need to learn that things WILL be alright in the end, and that thats NOT a lie. You need to learn how to forgive, not only everyone else, but yourself as well. You need to learn what "us" means. You need to learn hope. I will never leave you, I will never hate you, and I will never see you as the monster you like to romance yourself as. I will spend my life at your side, thick and thin. I meant it when I said I love you. There really isn't anything else I can say. You love me or you don't. 041130 ... . . 041130 what's it to you? who go blather from