cause_and_effect Photophobe I thought I belived in coincidence. I thought that, as the world was so big, nothing is planned. People don't have agendas. My life is nothing like chess. Maybe I've changed my mind. I'm not angry at anyone. I can't stay angry, no matter how much I try. I'm so tired. And I find no refuge anywhere. So maybe I have to make my own. Fuck this. I'm going to learn ambition. 020331 ... continuous ache we each ate an eighth of shrooms last night. oddly enough, i'd never had them. i think i went through every possible emotion. and towards the end, i felt all the bad ones. we started with euphoria, we intertwined. the night wore on, and i couldn't hide the hate. i think you saw everything that i felt for you last night. i wonder if it scared you. i had this whole internal battle for 2 hrs. i just kept walking the line between love and hate...trying to decide which side i should step to. i don't think i can deny either emotion, and it's tearing me up. i think i may be going crazy. and i hate you even more because i think i know the truth now. i don't think you even believe yourself. you're just afraid. fuck your fear. there is no conviction in your coldness, but you've buried your warmth. i wish i knew how far i had to dig to uncover it. i don't even know if i can. i hate you for not letting yourself feel the love that i know you have for me. if i could just tell myself you didn't care, it would somehow be better. you cuddled up beside me, wiping away my tears, brushing my hair from my eyes like a loving parent, and told me all the things i shouldn't let myself feel...all the things you wouldn't feel anymore. don't love, don't need. you're fucking me up in the head. keep saying one thing and doing the opposite. you may find yourself on the other end of your precious .45 one day. if you do manage to destroy this love i have for you, rage is all that will be left. get the fuck out of my head. stop playing god, you fool. i am not your clay to mold. you're just trying to make a shadow....so you don't have to be alone, but you don't have to open up either. fuck you. i hate you. [i love you] 020331 ... blown cherry hey continuous ache, maybe he's passive-aggressive. Those people are fucked up, confuse the absolute shit out of you. I'd tell you to move one and find someone better than that, but that'd only make me a hypocrite. Really fucked up. 020401 ... continuous ache yeah, i should just walk away. *laughs* but i know i won't. not yet anyways. passive-agressive maybe. the night he threw me out was all agressive. i should've kept my mouth shut that night. i'm over it now, but i was so jumpy for the next week or so. i have mostly guy friends, and every time they made a sudden move i cringed. it hurt their feelings, but what could i do? 020401 ... silentbob This assignment Sucks, causing me to blather instead. i reall should work on my paper... 020401 ... shorlove Cronenberg. 030422 ... Syrope i can't laugh too hard i'm on a diet i'm trying to lose myself you ought to try it just starve for 6 days straight oh, it's a riot every sunday night, i binge and i barf 'cause i carry the scars of an 8 year old whose mother applied the same rules to her kid's body as her own i think you'll leave me soon though i've no proof of it but i'll make it easier for you by being a little bitch and this is just a theory but i think the reason why i'm scared you'll broke is the only male influence i had after daddy up and left were my mother's weekend lovers and their alcoholic breaths i'll tell you what caused it if you'll handle the effects and i'll tell you what caused it if you'll handle the effects i'll tell you what caused it if you'll handle the effects yes, i'll tell you what caused it if you'll handle the effects i can't laugh too hard i'm on a diet i'm trying to lose myself you ought to try it just starve for 6 days straight oh, it's a riot every sunday night -maria mena: cause & effect 081202 what's it to you? who go blather from