real_love unhinged it will kill me i feel the way you wrapped around me i let go i write i play "you are a beautiful girl and i will pray for you" i'm reading confessions here admittances nonfiction and i realize i don't have any of my own to write and it's times like these totally content to be alone in a complete hole kind of way that when it actually comes my last days will be a supernova of complete white light but i won't live beyond it i think i met the man i am supposed to marry but he wears locks on his fingers that heal his broken heart he has my passion whole cities decimated to dust in the winmer wind every little sight imaginary focus c minor electric acoustic fretless fretless "and i feel no pain" 010131 ... silentbob free as a bird 010131 ... unhinged the kind of love that makes me want to help myself. the kind of love that makes me want that because he wants that. yes, it is still scary to say it; to say 'i love you' but that exchange has passed between us. i couldn't imagine spending my life with one single person until recently. because every day that we spend together it just feels more and more right. maybe someday the love between us would burn away, but i feel like it is more complete than that. even if we lost each other, my heart is changed by him. i'm glad that i could never really let the hope die no matter how hard it was trampled; he was the reason i couldn't let it go even when i didn't know that. i know that now. maybe a vast majority of humanity isn't worth hope, but people like him justify all the pain and all the wandering. if you believe in someone long enough, one day they will not be able to deny it anymore. i am not in_love with him; being in_love is cheap and fleeting. i love him; because he used my belief in him the way i intended it all along for everyone else. because he believes and sees the good in me and all the things i thought were so bad about myself he accepts as unavoidable but changeable which gives me the courage to stop hating myself and actually change. real_love is the power to change and support change in others. real_love is to accept someone for who they are and not who they were and to help someone change the things about themselves and their lives that they don't like but actually want to change. real_love is realizing the moment that realization becomes actualization in others and holding them when actualization falters. it is a scary world. he knows that so much better than me. it is a scary world and we build walls with words and actions. real_love heals the walls. when you find it, don't be afraid to let it in. we have all lived our dark days; let the light in. 030429 ... birdmad is an elusive thing that i don't know how long i can keep trying to find 030429 ... unhinged as easy as real_love can dissolve into powder that he puts up his nose, i can't deny that it has irrevocably changed me. as much as i hate to admit it under current circumstances, the real_love i had with him plugged up the hole in my heart that could only be filled with pain and drugs before we had been together. most all of it was a waste of my life; i hate when people waste my life. i wish that i had meant a little more to him that he wasn't putting shit up his nose again. but yeah, i tried. i tried to help him when he asked and there is nothing else i can do. all you can do is try and let them know. and learn when to walk away when it's time. it's time now. 031228 ... channelling Perry Farrell again never_been_in_love don't_know_what_it_is 031228 ... unhinged i have efficiently walked away nothing left to say but i still carry it with me the real love i had for you still have that i think about everyday that i look into the faces that don't know me what i'm capable of how i can love and even what i hid from you you know that about me one in a million real love leaves it's mark i carry it with me i just with i had someway of telling you that still after all this time 050129 what's it to you? who go blather from