i_am_hated oldephebe No really. My enemies used to sheath their daggers and their dark thoughts behind an inocuous smile and fake deference, like the korean restaurantuer who smiles and bows and as he's taking your money says to his staff behind him what a mangy black ape you are and how did I ever learn to speak with such large lips, yet in their hearts they secretly nurse a seething hatred and hope for my death. I am hated and I can't figure out what evokes in these people such a virulent antipathy. Now when they speak and the frost of animus is on their breath. ... 041123 ... RIC Now when they speak the frost of animus is on their breath. 041123 ... reue how much by you? 041123 ... love & hate by the one that holds all of my love. Ironic really, i should have seen it coming... Yet my heart still belongs to her. 041124 ... oldephebe Well, I'd have to say I vascillate between retina scarring self-esteem and buffing the floor with my brow kind of self-loathing. Didn't really convey the extendt of so called self loathing did I? Maybe i could get don dillilo to break it down for me...yeah i loath myself and love myself to varying degrees...mostly i guess i'm teetering towards ambibalence about ME. 041124 ... oE atrocious speller, spelling... "...mostly I'm ambivalent..yes I'm quite certain that ambivalence would tidily sum up my feelings towards Me.." ... 041124 ... drkmotives By the one i most love 041209 ... misstree nowhere near as much as i should be. just wish they weren't so skittish, so scared to come close enough to hate. 041211 ... pSyche The pine boards underneath my feet scream out their rage as I walk on them. The door I open groans as I touch it. The very clothes on my back have torn in a pathetic attempt to flee from me. The whole house shudders as if to collapse when I breath upon its walls. Even the sun outside hides behind teh clouds in order to avoid me. Hated by everything I know, Where do I go now? 041211 ... oE i get that. consolation - i'm not hated by God. 041211 ... tyler waters i certainly hope not... but if i was, i wish those that did would just tell me right out what it is that i do that makes them hate me so, just so i can avoid doing it around them. what's wrong with people when they hate someone and never say it directly to their face? 050117 ... oldephebe The thing about arbitrary and unprovoked hate, which manifests itself in the myraid antics of those who aspire to an emotional and psychological and hence social hegemony over the object of thier irrational animus who seems to transcend the sometimes siesmic gesticulations meant to rupture the contented (and sometimes consciously aloof) postures of moral and or stylistics individuality. Personally I wear the supercilious smirk, I mean unaffected mark of eccentricity, anti-confluential and or wierdness (for we must take no comfort in euphamisms) proudly. Well maybe not proudly but with a quiet surety, an unassuming aplomb. In many ways it truly is the last frontier, the ramparts of ones glowing soul, the irreducible, unassailable mansion of the mind. The mind mpervious to this extreme activism that can at it's worst know no limit but its own or the bridle wielded by strong powerful hands as they topple to the ground gagged and sullied and silenced for at least now. It is the death blow to the Self to beseech your tormentor your advesary to spell out the irrational basis or impetus of his hate. It means that you shape yourself to appease an arbitrary spasm of ego. You are NOT the thorn lodged in that hypothetical individuals desperately miserable heart. There is something sick in the pit and no ingratiations or spiritual ministrations on your part are going to appease them. It's like right after Lincoln was shot someone proposed putting a patch on his great black hat thinking that it would in some meaningful way ameliorate or negate the immutable trajedy a nation a wife and a life called out of destinys deepest core had befallen. There is something sick in the pit of the sadistic controlling persona they cannot be saved by your humility or charity. Some of these people will be dead by thier own hand or anothers. Some will simply expire having never achieved the grotesqueries of ambition and subjugation they nurtured thier sickness like a suckling child and fed the disease every moment of every wicked hour. Sure I'm hated. So its time to simply buck up and move on. ... 050117 ... tessa it's just so hard to take 070906 ... f last year i thought i was becoming a saddest, i had this urge to read Kafka again. It was an amazing year full of ups and downs. I almost enjoyed crying which started to worry me, something was bothering me though, maybe a steaming lie. what is saddest? is it people that like being sad? people that get a kick out of hurting themselves, its a strange thing, getting pleasure out of making yourself unhappy. Its worrying to have that happen to you. it's the battles between people that cause inner conflict aswell. 070906 what's it to you? who go blather from