harbinger_of_doom_sketch DannyH EXT. A BEACH ON A SUNNY, WINDY DAY TWO MEN AND A WOMAN ARE SITTING TOGETHER, SAYING NOTHING. THEY SEEM COMFORTABLE IN EACH OTHER’S COMPANY BUT THERE IS NO OBVIOUS INTERACTION GOING ON BETWEEN THEM. A MAN IN HIS MID-TWENTIES APPROACHES THEM. HE IS WEARING A LONG BLACK COAT. HE LOOKS VERY HOT AND DISHEVELLED BUT PURPOSEFUL. HE IS THE HARBINGER. HARBINGER Hello. Have you been harbinged today? 1ST MAN What? HARBINGER I’m the…harbinger. I was just checking whether you’d been harbinged yet today. WOMAN [emotionlessly] OOh. A harbinger. 1ST MAN let Jeff handle this darling. 2ND MAN (JEFF) Harbinger, eh? might be interesting. And just what were you planning on harbinging for us today? HARBINGER Ermm…I thought maybe…doom? JEFF Doom? Is that the best you can come up with? HARBINGER Well, it is sort of traditional. JEFF It’s dull is what it is. Dull dull dull. WOMAN I don’t think I could bear it if it was doom. 1ST MAN Jeff knows what he’s doing darling. Leave it to him. HARBINGER Well, I’m afraid doom’s all I know. I’m not trained in anything else. JEFF So you don’t write your own stuff? HARBINGER Well, you know, I improvise a bit. WOMAN I’ve just realised I’ve forgotten my name. 1ST MAN (sternly) Darling. JEFF Look, James, can I call you James? HARBINGER If you like. JEFF The thing is James. If you’re not going forwards, you’re going backwards, and right now you’re standing still. Understand? HARBINGER Not really. JEFF You will, James. You will. THEY ALL LOOK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. THE HARBINGER SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY. ************************************** THERE IS A FAMILY WITH TWO YOUNG KIDS. THEY LOOK LIKE AN AVERAGE LOWER MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY. THE HARBINGER APPROACHES. HARBINGER Hello. Have you been harbinged today? MUM [Excited] Ooh. A harbinger. DAD Let me handle this, love. So what have you got for us. HARBINGER Well. It’s something new I’ve been working on actually. DAD [suspicious] Hmmm. How much? HARBINGER Five quid. DAD I’ll give you three HARBINGER I’m sorry. I would, but it’s the union, you know. DAD Allright, whatever. Go on then. HARBINGER Okay. THE FAMILY ARRANGE THEMSELVES INTO A CRESCENT. THE HARBINGER STANDS BACK A STEP AND OPENS HIS ARMS OUT WIDE. HE SHUTS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AS THOUGH HE IS DEEP IN CONTEMPLATION THEN OPENS THEM WITH A LOOK OF CRAZED INTENSITY. HARBINGER Everything…is going to be…alllllright. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE. THE KIDS GIGGLE NERVOUSLY. DAD LOOKS FURIOUS DAD What the hell was that? HARBINGER I…know it’s a bit rough. It’s kind of a work in progress. DAD Work in progress? Call yourself a harbinger? You can’t harbinge that. HARBINGER I reckon it’s probably pretty accurate. DAD Rubbish. Everyone knows the world’s going to shit. That’s why we bought a Volvo for God’s sake. HARBINGER Okay, look. I’m sorry. I just wanted to try something a bit different. I didn’t mean to cause any problems. I’ll give you another harbinge for free. Anything you want. DAD Anything? Really? HARBINGER Yeah. Just shoot. I can improvise. DAD Okay…how about…doom. HARBINGER [deflated] Doom? It’s a bit conventional isn’t it? DAD What’s wrong with doom? We’ve always liked doom, the wife and I. You can rely on doom. HARBINGER But don’t you find it, you know, a bit depressing? DAD No. I find it strangely comforting. Like steak. HARBINGER [sighs] Okay. THE HARBINGER GOES THROUGH THE ARMS EXTENDED EYES SHUT ROUTINE AGAIN. WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES THE SAME LEVEL OF INTENSITY IS ALMOST THERE. HARBINGER And lo…the seas will rise and spread a great pestilence from the East. Typhoid and cholera will be rife in Suffolk. Dysentry will spread like wildfire. The stench of rotting corpses and putrid faeces will hang over Whitstable like a dense brown cloud of acid. The emergency services will be scarcely able to cope. There won’t be enough blankets or rubber dinghies. Many small villages will have to be permanently abandoned. Lowestoft will be rendered virtually uninhabitable. Too many people will try to find shelter in Norwich… DAD Can I just stop you there. HARBINGER Sorry. What’s the problem? DAD Well, it’s a bit specific isn’t it? HARBINGER What do you mean? DAD Geographically I mean. It’s all based around East Anglia. HARBINGER Well, It’s a very low lying region. Very susceptible to flooding. DAD I know that. It’s just, making it so specific to one area, It kind of takes the sting out of the doom. HARBINGER Well, if you’d given me a chance I was going to mention how the repercussions will be felt as far away as Nottingham. DAD I’m sorry mate. It just isn’t good enough. I’m getting nothing off it. HARBINGER [depressed] I’m trying my hardest you know. It’s really hard. You can’t please everybody. I’m beginning to wonder if the beach is even the right sort of place for a harbinger of doom. I’m sorry I let you down. You can have it for three pounds if you want. DAD Nah. I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble. Here’s five. You tried your best I suppose. No-one can ask for more than that. Maybe this game isn’t really for you. You should try showbusiness. That’s a piece of piss. HARBINGER Maybe. Thanks mate. I’m sorry. Enjoy the rest of your day. 050517 ... Death of a Rose ah...dannyh you always know what to say to cheer a mate up. thanks. . 050624 what's it to you? who go blather from