heart_of_now Ouroboros i let go of using self-judgment as my paradigm for looking at myself and the world- i put it (self-judgment) in a chair and sobbed and told it that it doesn't matter if i'm not perfect or skinny or whatever- that there was more to me, that the world was a beautiful and exciting place that i belong in- and now i am using self-judging thoughts as an alarm system of sorts, recognizing that something else is going on, and then turning them off. i let go of carrying heidi, of needing to protect her or envision her as perfect. i told her "fuck you" and let myself feel anger towards her. i told her i'm allowed to love her and hate her. in a group of 4 other women i reenacted traumatic childhood day camp experiences of RedRover- and changed it by being strong enough to keep holding the hand of the person next to me. i led a band of meery woman around the room who chanted "we're following the leader." I gasped when they sat adoringly at my feet and looked up at me. i connected with delbert, a man, 58, earth lover, slow in a southern way, treeplanter on his coop farm. on instinct i had broken away from the beautiful boy i was snuggling with and went up to delbert and asked him to be my partner. turns out we had an incredible amount in common. we smiled quietly at each other. he later told everyone how safe he felt with me. i think we are made of the same stuff (old souls, big hearts, quietness). after hearing his story and his latest decisions, i sobbed at william who has given up on himself and his passions and joined the army- i sobbed that he's not only going to kill his heart, but possibly himself (and others) as well. i think i can understand where he is coming from, but it saddens me so much. intelligent. beautiful. creative. passionate. funny. =army? 5 years. but it's his life and his choice. i told him i'm going to hold a little bit of him in my heart, and he replied in kind. we snuggled and he held my hands and caressed my inner wrists (yum). and that's all i can do. i watched and witnessed humans bare themselves and their fears and hearts and ugliest shadows and reverberating screams of sadness and anguish and anger- past life, this life- we all are such similar unique human beings. i cried for my sisters- 3 women who got up and each time it could've been me- our stories our pains our failed perfection our softness our tender hearts our strengths. my intention is to fill mySelf into all aspects of my life (be myself all the time). i've been dancing in front of the mirror singing i love you to myself. chris told me he saw me standing in a field with my arms open and my heart was a sun shining and the rays went out everywhere to the sky and to other people. he also told me that there is a healer inside me. during 5rhymths dance time on the second day i fully let myself interact with the other dancers- in chaos we shrieked and played and paniced and danced and chased. in stillness april and i fell naturally into the mirroring game with our hands. i listened. i listened with eye contact and empathy. i felt my heart open. i let myself be myself. i spoke for minutes about what i was passionate about. i told other people why i thought they were wonderful. i got up on the platform and people told me what they saw- passion, compassions,struggling with ideas that limit me- all those loving smiling faces. 060407 ... Ouroboros i_am_remembering_who_i_am 060407 ... lialei Your words are a ray of hope and beauty. Thank you, Healer. 170719 what's it to you? who go blather from