end_of_self jennifer I guess the one thing that has kept me on earth for some 19 years is that my mother loves me. I am her only child, and she wants a grandbaby so badly. If there was some way that I could give her that dream, and go to sleep tonight and never wake up, then my worries would be over. I only have two things now. And they are both drifting further and further away. I have lost my will to live, for lack of a better cliche, and I'm so tired now. I don't want to talk or eat or write or think. I just want to sleep. I gave myself until midnight yesterday, and he never called. I called him, and we fought. The fight has lasted some 8 months now, and I'm pretty sure it won't be resolved. That is half of my existence. The other half, is the part that takes up most of my time, my theatre... the theatre. And tonight, no one answered when I called from home, but when I blocked the number from the caller ID, the phone was picked up. They had been there since 6:45 and no one had called me. I don't think I am wanted there anymore. I was forced to give up my apartment, which I had loved so dearly, and I thought it was all my doing. I find out that not even 24 hours after my accident, three other people were there to take my place. But I'm not bitter, I guess. Being home with mom is always good, isn't it? Tonight, I want to sit in my mother's car, and put on my favorite CD, and turn the engine on, and close the garage door, and just go to sleep. I am so tired. You think I'm doing this over some boy, I'm not. Maybe I am doing this to get back at him... to ask, "Why didn't you care enough to see this coming." That's not fair... he did see it coming, we even had a "talk" about it on his balcony last time I visited. Maybe this is a final "I win" for Jerry. Maybe this is the way things are supposed to happen. It's better to be a "should've-been" than a "never-was". I remember a friend of mine in junior high was never so popular until the day she killed herself. Instant love. Instant popularity. Heathers. But damn my codependent ways... I don't want to fuck anyone else's life up by ending mine. But I can't see the way out anymore. I have been alone for 19 glorious years, and what better way to celebrate a wasted life, than by dying alone. Sometimes, the easy way out is the best way. 000424 ... andrea wait... what's going on? if ever there was a time to call you, i guess now would be it 000425 ... jennifer it wasn't a cry for attention it was merely my thoughts as they came stumbling out into the daylight. I guess I was serious when I wrote them, but after sitting in my mothers car for half an hour in the garage, listening to "Somewhat Damaged" and thinking of what I wanted to say at the rent_cast_party I decided I needed to rethink myself. I called mark, and we (in this order) talked, fought, cried, fought, cried, sobbed, were silent, fought some more, and hung up. But he said something to me that has stuck so far into my heart, that if I tried to remove it now, I wouldn't survive. So, I guess this means the reincarnation of jennifer. She has decided not to live for Mark or for Andrea or for that damn Theatre or for her film or for the guy playing angel who says she has nice hair. No, jennifer has decided to live for jennifer, and if things do or don't go her way... she will be satisfied. 000426 ... plug yay jennifer 000426 ... birdmad will come in some years when the premonition nightmare of the cold place comes true and the bullets tear through me and leave me on the floor of someplace near the sea. until then, my own efforts are futile 000503 ... dgl is beginning of life 010605 ... freakizh millions of voices in my head repeating songs of angst whether cutting my ears, my wrists or my life, would be as painful as only listening to myself without any knife 010727 what's it to you? who go blather from