to_tony unhinged right before i met you, i was pretty damn depressed. it was a long winter for me in more ways than one. i had finally found the courage to cut out the bad in my life but somehow that had left me staggeringly alone. i do not think it was a coincidence that we ran into each other again that night or that jenna nudged us together. for all she wasn't, she was perceptive. and she knew my life before you, the bullshit i was swimming against. so she nudged us together. i have just spent some time rereading my writings immediately before i met you, and i was damn depressed. overwhelmed. smothered. snuffed_out . discouraged. i had had such distinct visions of what the boy in my life was supposed to be like and until i met you, none of those things held water. then we were nudged together. every day i spend knowing you reminds me of the visions i had as a little girl of what i thought my boy might be like. you make me smile when i want to scream. you make me calm when i am anxious. you make me complete when i was unwhole. you make me bright when i am grey. and even though i can't be near you right now, i am always near you. the only tears i have to cry now are because i can't hold you. you make me complete when i am unwhole. a miracle in the midst of desolation. us, together. 110812 ... unhinged i want to spend the rest of my life with you; you fill the hole life put in my heart 110920 ... unhinged in the midst of all the badness arising you are sure to bring me basic_goodness joy bubbles over i think i just fully realized the completeness of how horrible the past two years of my life have been. the fullness of it suppressed until i could really deal. without_you i'd probably still be in denial. with_you i can face life which is the biggest damn step this avoidant insular girl has ever taken with another person you activate all the goodness in my world 111025 ... unhinged to_all_my_friends that would love to know how much happier saner fuller my life is with you in it my_smile_so_wide 120127 ... unhinged i'm sorry i'm sorry that my life before you made me think the suburban housewife was a role i would be happy playing i'm sorry that i dragged you into it just sorry that i mangled your heart that i seem to push out love that i can't accept help that i can't be the girl that does whatever a man tells her to that i can't be the stepford barbie you're looking for that i need someone in my life that can give me the space to make mistakes and have adventures that i need someone in my life that understands what it means to be so depressed that getting out of bed and being an adult takes monumental effort i'm sorry that once again love isn't enough 120411 ... unhinged i realized recently you were the only person i've ever been in_love with and actually dated that didn't have a substance abuse problem but that didn't stop you from lashing out when you were drunk and angry. maybe it's just a man thing maybe i'm gay 120710 ... unhinged the_ways_we_said_goodbye 121113 ... unhinged amo thanks for teaching me what love really looks like. sometimes when i'm absorbed in thinking about all the shitty shit that has happened to me in the past five years, a flash of how you loved me passes by my eyes and i can't help but smile. 'yeah girl, you know. you know what it's really supposed to feel like. don't settle for less.' 130511 ... rhin you would not even recognize me if you were here now. i changed on that day. ...and guess what? i replaced the batteries on your pulse album again! this is pathetic. wtf 130511 ... unhinged thank you for fucking me because you loved me not loving to fuck me every time i hear deeper male voices speaking spanish i think of_you 130722 ... unhinged sometimes i am still sorry i was unwilling to do what it took to change for you i was watching a cop show that took place around the border near el paso. one of the mexican characters said 'pafueda...' and the memory of learning how to yell at your cat in spanish flashed before me; the cat's wide eyes as i yelled at him 'get...go...GET' paralyzed by the anger in my voice until i said 'Pafueda!' and flung my finger at the door, his little feline legs catapaulting him out the door as soon as my lips smacked together at the sound of the ppppp'ppaaahhhfueda' and out the bathroom door he went as i stood dripping wet in the shower. learning spanish to yell at your cat sometimes i still miss the family we had together 150707 what's it to you? who go blather from