ripping_my_heart_open Arwyn Tonight I want to cut myself because of what he said I want to see the beads of blood giving way to rivers I want that pain I so deserve and to know it doesn't matter. I keep hearing Jon's voice reminding me not across the street, but rather down the road. Maybe in a nice hot bath where my veins could empty quickly. He never understood how much I loved him. God I hate this time of year. Everywhere I look someone's committing suicide, so why not me? a sky diver, a friend, a rock star hell even some guy in a book. Maybe it's all the rage, and I'm just in it for other reasons, I'm just sick of fucking up. It might not be this year but I know the time's approaching. Someday they're gonna look up and I'll be gone. Maybe it's what I want. A chance to make the choice. I've never been good enough. My desires always wrong. So fuck it world you win, I'm done being your stupid punchline. The financial and emotion burden is off your shoulders cause this bitch is out. Mayfair's perennial fuck up would be better off dead. If only when you moved away you could truly get a fresh start but people, assholes and your fucking family always follow. Would be amazing if with every move, I changed my name. In Seattle, I'd be katie, california = penelope and maybe when I'm down in TX I'd be some chick named Annie. But up and down the eastern coast I'd be the whore named Josie cause God knows the best I am is someone's fucking whore. His slut, cum-dumpster or dick-mitten. Save the romance for the wife - what the hell does it matter? It's all just friction anyways. He used to fuck me all the time - it was never love or sex. it was like he had something to prove. Too bad there's nothing to him. what a stupid fucking loser - with his turtle like 5 inch dick. what the hell was he doing in bed with me? his bitch tits rivaling my perfect breasts. Assholes prey on the naive and vulnerable - which at 18, described me to a "Q". I should have just fucked women - at least then the tits were real. Fuck! I'm just a fucking loser, masquerading as someone deep. One day you're all gonna figure me out. and then... Let the fucking ostracism begin. 080311 ... stork daddy the world's always going to win in one way or another. there's always a justification for being sad; a clear logic to having few hopes. but everyday the majority of people look at the same exact world and are happy. and they do things that make them happier because they're not starting out with that hurt. so it's not going to change the fact that the world will always beat us, but there are ways, with therapy and pills and exercise and the like to become as blithely and irrationally happy. 080311 ... Lemon_Soda Rational is subjective, isn't it? What is preferable....rational depression, or irrational elation? Don't we all just die, anyway? 080312 ... stork daddy they've done studies where depressives were better at predicting how they were perceived by others. now maybe they're better at forcing one type of perception - but maybe they're better at perceiving. 080312 ... unhinged there's so much scar_tissue in there now it's hard to feel anything but numb 080313 ... LEMON SODA RESPONDING CHECK 081110 what's it to you? who go blather from