bottomless_pit a clever disguise I seriously feel worse and worse every day. It's not the breakup so much as just the harsh realization that I seriously have no friends. I have shouldered the pain of this breakup totally alone and I can't even get a friend to just hit the bar with, let alone come over and just chill. I have been trying to make friends for the past few years and made a few when I lived in Pittsburgh for a year, but they're all in Pittsburgh. I mean, I do have friends, but at this age everyone has kids or has different work schedules, or that kind of thing. They all have their own lives and I don't. I suck at being alone. It feels terrible. I don't know how people do it. karma_is_a_bitch 120307 ... heart/felt you have blather. I will listen. 120307 ... unhinged samsara karmas only a bitch when we ask for it. she'll dish out the good if that's what you've got coming. she doesn't discriminate. we only tend to notice her when she's dumping shit on our heads. karma pushes away the clouds just as readily as she brings the rain 120307 ... a clever disguise I mean karma_is_a_bitch because I deserve to be this miserable. 120307 ... unhinged i think bernadette would disagree the sun will come back the pain will end breathe in the guarantee of the in and out your heart will heal it might just take longer than you'd like and in the meantime making a list of what karma has taught you and the patience and persaverence to keep those lessons in your heart the next time around might just help you hop off the wheel (i hope im coming off as encouraging cause that's how i meant it) 120307 ... a clever disguise It is encouraging, thank you. I just know I have done a lot of terrible things in life, and though I have tried to learn from each mistake, I almost never do. Up to the point of gaining love by being a homewrecker (although in defense of the homewrecker, she doesn't make the decision that actually wrecks the home, but we all think, well, guys are dumb, so it's her fault). That ended how it should have ended, with him leaving me, too (but really it should have been for a girl 12 years younger than me to be fair). I already see myself doing this the right way. Normally, I would have already latched onto some lackey rebound guy, but I haven't. I know what I need to do in this alone time. Branch out, find girl friends, play my guitar IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, get back to the old me who people saw for her spirit and talent not for stomping her fists behind a desk. And I will do these things. I will get all the ducks in the right row before I even think about a new guy. It just hurts to do everything the right way. The wrong way is much easier. 120308 ... unhinged yeah, doing the right thing, especially all on your lonesome, is fucking stupid hard. but doing the right thing is like exercise for the figurative heart. every step in the right direction makes it that much easier to keep one foot in front of the other down that path. until about a year ago i still had a bad boy complex; relics_of_a_suburban_life and getting my compassion reflex all twisted in youngstown to the point I found another heroin_doll to waste my life on. i stumbled across a decent man and I don't shame myself into thinking I don't deserve him. fuck_that_noise for every smile cast into the darkness for every child i taught the lesson of discipline when no other adult in their life would for the well wishes for the tears for all the times i refrained from reacting on_anger 'feel no shame for what you are' 120308 ... unhinged impermanence still falling no bottom in sight 140805 ... Twitch jdf 140806 ... unhinged balancing, teetering on_the_edge arms flailing in_the_process_of_falling 180702 what's it to you? who go blather from