unhinged how sometimes i quite literally just want to die; no one around here gets it really. it's always 'oh no you don't' or maybe a horrified glance. really though, sometimes life just seems easier to me if it wasn't. if it just stopped, ceased to be. if i just ceased to be.

that i used to cut myself. that the pain of it was the only concrete thing in my life that made any sense. that i have tattoos now for the same reason. covered, all of them, easily by my clothes because they are for me. because i was so fucked up in my head that i needed the pain to bring me back to earth.

i generally don't tell people how i feel about them anymore. i guess i felt like if/when i did, it would be like concrete gluing us together. but people always leave, one way or another. and most of them do not deserve the power over me of knowing what's in my heart. i've developed such good bandages, most people can't even see my bleeding heart. it's better that way. because when you pour your heart into someone and then life pulls you apart it's one of the shittiest feelings in the world. to be just_friends over and over is really too much for my old heart.

that i need you. i need you to hold me. i need the way you smell. i need the way you grab my hand at the perfect moment. i need the way you make me feel beautiful.

but really though, some things are better left unsaid. with every expectation comes an equal and opposite disappointment.
z verboten 090319
z unspoken 090319
ergo drooling monsters with fangs
like the one creeping up behind you
right now.
jane my infinite nature, ephemeralized. 090320
TCMT Wow Unhinged... Your words were beautiful and sad.

I often feel like I have lost faith in the human race, in their ability to love, to be honest, to be humane...but through my disgust, my hatred, my anger, I try to love human beings, though I fail often.

But to me it seems like if I were to stop--if I were to give up on the beings I inhabit this world with--I would be giving up on myself and on life, and I would simply stop living. My spirit would die and I would be like a ghost and the world would have succeeded in killing me.
unhinged i guess that's me
beautifully sad
unhinged etched on the back of my eyelids

the way i used to lock myself in the bathroom. somehow the act of locking the door kept the blade out of my hand.
rhin i don't talk about him. i'm only willing to talk about him if i am the one that initiates the topic, and then it's only the distant past. the death and after is something that i try to force into amnesia. the only good thing that i can remember about any of it is that i didn't kill myself. when i think of the person i was before and the person i am now, i'm not proud. i'm not proud.

something else that i don't talk about is her. she is the reason that i'm not always cynical, bitter, bitchy, isolated, cold-hearted, and defeated. she's colorful, vibrant, and nothing like anything else in my life. what is it about me that she sees? i'm like a piece of flint that she keeps hacking away at, throwing sparks for seconds. what happens if she actually makes fire?
unhinged i_love_you_most 090516
unhinged sharing does not mean caring. the buddhist in me can accept others inability to share or care. but in times of delusion, it still hurts.

i dam the flood. i take care of myself. i feel more and more disconnected and lonely. i am getting too old to give and give and receive nothing but bullshit. so i don't give. despondent_fish floundering in a river of her own making. i_i_w_i_i
unhinged .

my virginity was raped away from me and the counselor on the hotline i called said since it started consensually and i was underage drunk i basically had no case.

fifteen years later i think sex and love have nothing to do with each other and i seem to repeatedly find myself with men that don't respect me enough to listen.

i would rather be lonely
what's it to you?
who go