i_can't_cry_hard_enough Arwyn for you to hear me now. 020109 ... ClairE to convince you. 020109 ... blown cherry it's been over an hour straight of sobbing now. I'm so depressed it took me 15minutes of pushing myself to get myself as far away from the bed as the computer. If I'd a had a gun I would have used it by now. 030211 ... unhinged what did i do? no matter what, it's the wrong choice, decision, action...i put others first i screw myself, i put myself first i screw others. how can i turn the apathy on and off? how can i be your friend without caring? see.... 030212 ... Syrope the tears sliding down my cheek are like the caresses of your fingers that i miss so much - a warm sensation that makes everything better, but i can't cry hard enough to make the memory of your real touch go away. i don't know that if i could cry hard enough to never cry again, i would... 030212 ... unhinged (just wants a cuddle and some soup) i am sick sicker than sick so sick that i just want to lay around watching t.v. and have my mom take care of me. maybe it's just some fetal reflex from all the stress i had that probably made me sick in the first place; i walked down to the clinic today. they told me i had a viral infection: i.e. cold. i've been hacking pieces of my lung into the garbage can for days because i knew that when i went down to the clinic they would tell me that i had a viral infection: i.e. cold. so i was self-medicating with tea and otc cold pills hoping it would go away but i'm afraid that i have bronchitis or something. every year i get a nasty something or other and i go to the clinic and they tell me i have a viral infection: i.e. cold and i think that they are full of shit. i can't go to a regular doctor because i don't have a car. so i call my mom because the doctor at the clinic was booked this morning and the nurse told me to go home if i wanted to see a doctor (even though home is 100 miles away) and my parents tell me that they have things to do and that i probably just have a viral infection. do i want to come home? i did but i don't see the point. i'm sick_and_tired of being lonely and sick. i just wanted to hang out with my brother and watch movies. but i'm stubborn. if i'm such a irresponsible childish lazy person for not going to the clinic before today when i knew they were going to tell me that i had a viral infection: i.e. a cold than i will just stay in my room all alone all weekend too. thanks. 030220 ... megan i don't know what's wrong with me anymore. i never used to let anyone see me cry. this year, it's like i'm somehow much weaker than i ever have been before, and i fear you're noticing it, and you're not liking it much. you always told me you hate to see girls cry, and i really don't want to make you hate me. i really don't. please don't. 030220 ... Syrope unhinged, i think we should get together and i'll collect your pieces of lung if you'll rip out my esophagus. i went to the student health clinic today and they stuck q-tips in every orifice on my face and then said "gee, we don't know...probly a respiratory virus" and gave me nasty stuff to gargle with. i just want to die. but a cuddle and soup sound good too... 030221 ... unhinged goddamn those stupid student health clinics. they gave me a strep test. i have always hated strep tests since i was a small child because of the whole choking thing. and they basically told me that since i have health insurance i don't belong in a free clinic anyways even though it's the only medical service within walking distance of where i live. fuck them; fuck them in their stupid asses. i would gladly cuddle anyone else that feels the way i do right now. 030221 ... gay gizmo the damn tears wont even come.... its like being shot, but there is no blood 030222 ... jimc i just wish i could make the tears stop but i can't because i know the best thing that has ever happened to me walked out the door and out of my life forever. there is an old saying of cry a river - maybe i can cry one deep enough to drown in because then and only then will i be able to stop 030507 what's it to you? who go blather from