blurring_the_edges_19_time_for_a_holiday birdmad Tony offers a couple of small deals where he pays you to knock around a couple of deadbeats. He likes to cazll it "bruise equity." His logic is that with the markup you all charge for the shit you get from MeeKrob Jones, you can afford to write of a few grams here and there. It doesn't bother you that you are not taking part in the biggest share of the profits because you are aware of the kind of suspicion that much obvious cash would arouse and you are becoming increasingly paranoid about everything except where Elena is concerned. Tina's friends have been in your ear again, but what do any of them care, least of all Tina? She made it clear after your little confession that afternoon at the beginning of senior year, that, in spite of the years of seemingly close friendship you thought you had shared with her, you were the least of her concerns. Go figure, dude. What part are any of them hoping to play in this? Why does Ana Salazar feel the need to pop up out of the woodwork to tell you that Orlando is in town yet again and that everytime you're not keeping Elena company, He is. But you haven't said anything to her yet, so whatever jealous curiousity that Ana and the rest of the peanut gallery have inspired has no weight other than what it places right square on the tip of your pointy little skull. You haven't just pulled the trigger on these feelings of yours and told her, even though you've had every opportunity in the world. But, in a way, it's easy enough to see that the way things broke down with you and Tina that if the big L-word is involved, you're gun-shy now. Between Tina's deer-in-the-headlights look that she gave you as you told her (followed over the next few days by having to hear her describe the way that useless son of a useles local radio DJ liked to kiss her when you were all stuck together in the carpool) and Zoe's constant assertion that love is just one in a series of bad ideas that populate the universe, you're afraid to go out that limb now, aren't you. It's easier to just slip into that reflexive mode and follow where first Zoe and Michelle and now Zoe and Tricia seem more than happy to lead you. No real emotion, just enough animal satisfaction to keep you distracted from how empty all the little events of the last three years have made you feel. Let's run down that little list and see, you've had quite the eventful time now, haven't you. Both of your best friends hung you out to dry, you watched your dad die, you watched your first seemingly successful attempt at something that looked like a real relationship disintegrate like an over-dried mummy in a sandstorm when Cassandra miscarried what was more than likely your child and promptly proceeded to distance herself from all reality at a speed faster than that which you could hope to catch up with. You've embarked on a life of crime, you've gone and falen in love with another of your best friends and don't have the spine to tell her, your mom has cancer now, and as if that wasn't enough, you had to go and put the icing on the cake and be an unemployed junkie. Jesus, boy. What are yiu even doing ztill livimg. Elena's on the phone, want's to know if you want to knock out a little early Christmas shopping and maybe do dinner and a movie as well. There's more than one drug in your system right now, and the way this one makes you feel most of the time compares favorably with the China-white you've been smoking and shooting. It bears repeating, Alex, what are we gonna do with you? 030422 ... rabbithole lets promote him--he has promise 030422 ... flower girl yeah, that's what i like where's chris 040108 what's it to you? who go blather from