i_feel_your_vibes_again no reason I had just reached the point where my relationship with you was perfect. I didn't love you like that anymore and didn't expect or want anything from you, which felt so free. I was more relaxed, and talking to you was so much easier, and laid-back, and you seemed to feel it too. You were starting to share things with me, letting me in on some of the vulnerability that you hardly ever bring out. When you were in a good mood, we joked and flirted and talked and laughed and played together. You gave me vibraphone tips and showed me jazz chords and I didn't feel intimidated at all. When you were in a pissy mood, and pissed me off, I felt comfortable enough to tell you to fuck off, or just ignore you. The only problem was, I still had trouble staying mad at you. I'm sure I always will. Ugh. You're SO hot. And you're so involved this year, and you should be, because you're so talented, and as a result, you know a lot more people. Everyone likes and respects you, which is also deserved, because aside from being talented, you're also a great listener and teacher. You take charge when needed but are humble at the same time. This is the best, and yes, fortunately, the usual case scenario. However, people always overlook the worst. You can be moody and reclusive and impatient and sarcastic and take-charge in a not-so-humble way when you're in one of these moods. Which in itself is fine, because I don't expect you to be perfect. But, you get away with everything, which is not fine. "Ask *Dave, he'll know" "Dave's not enrolled in the course, but he took the vibes. Ask him when they'll be back". "Have you heard Dave play? He's one of the best." And it's true, it's all true, but the pedestal they put you on either makes them excuse you or not notice when you say or does something inacceptable, just because of who you are. And you're not at all the type to let it go to your head, but by getting the same reactions from everyone, you don't realize that you can't say or do some of these things. You can't get away with everything. Last night, when I walked back to the table, *Liz said "We're in_love with Dave". And at first I was confused as to which Dave she meant, and what she was talking about, so I said "Dave who?" and she said "the drummer" and I knew who she was talking about. She had jokingly mentioned to *Laura while I was gone that she was "in_love" with that guy Dave across the room who's in orchestra, and *Laura had been like "Haha, no_reason's in_love with Dave too" and so we laughed about our "love" in common. She was saying how she knew who you were from orchestra and kept trying to figure out ways to talk to you, resulting in a short conversation about soft drink brands, and you waving to her on the subway. I laughed with her, because she's funny and so are the circumstances, but then it reminded me of when I felt that way about you, and it was strange because we know each other a lot better than that now. I told her she should just drop in on one of our rehearsals and talk to you then. It bothers me that she's putting you on the pedestal It bothers me that I'm starting to feel this way again for you because of the pedestal So petty and possessive and childish It bothers me because I was the first to put you on the pedestal, and take you off. But now you're heading back on up again, for reasons as stupid as they are, and I don't think I'll ever really be able to let you come back down. 031121 ... no reason *yeah...*dave and *liz and *laura aren't really dave and liz and laura. 031121 ... no reason you keep not meeting my eyes. and i don't know why. 040108 ... Bizzar Beautiful. 040108 ... no reason i hate how i resent you for what you do and how all the great people talk to you and i want to go talk to them but you're there i hate how i feel like i can't talk to you i hate how i want to talk to you i hate how you don't want to talk to me i hate thinking you might think i don't want to talk to you i hate thinking it would be weird i hate being intimidated by you i hate how you expect so little of me i hate how you don't give me a chance i hate how i don't take a chance i hate how i don't hate you i hate how i can't hate you ----but i don't even want to hate you i want to like you and you like me like before, with no extra baggage or strange feelings or awkwardness or resentment or shyness or whatever the hell for whyever the hell. i hate how it's so complicated, and for no reason at all. i don't want to feel them anymore. i just want them to go away. 040324 ... Death of a Rose reinforcing sentiments no_reason. 040325 ... brain stew i don't even think about them...i just switch 'em off and close the door. what if i'm wrong? that would just be incredibly stupid and i don't want to go through hell again just because of my stupid starving heart and empty arms, ANd look like a damned fool in the process. 040325 ... Lint Lover The back of my head gets dizzy and the air in the room gets too thick to breathe. A strange tingle goes through me and without looking up, I can point to the door that you'll be coming out of. You are electric and magnetic and beautiful and mine. 040523 what's it to you? who go blather from