deb my favorite brother left us
for the home of starbucks
and his wife-
took my little niece away
before she really recognized us at all...
our little Emma Belle...
they said they'd move back
for her school,
but by then i'll be
(gasp) married and in Colorado Springs...
but i guess it's all even,
because when i have kids,
i'll have taken them away too.

i just needed someone to sit up with
and talk to last night
and Allen wasn't here

Brad My middle name. 001001
splinken we can live in the gutter.

we can make fun of all the pretty kids who refer to ginsberg as "allen."

but we can't take over the world. i have to do that by myself.
startfires i used to love this kid with skinny arms and dopey eyes. it was like there was a ticker tape parade in my head and every one was yelling his name. 001006
jupt He is a wonderful artist
His hands are beautiful when he draws
He is beautiful always
He will always have Liz
She is only waiting for him to claim her
nocturnal I saw him at Endymion and it made me smile, makes me smile remembering that he gave me a hug when he saw me. 010308
kx21 Extraterrestrial being...

from MAN's eyes, mind, etc...
divine Madness sweet gentle boy,
not yet a man..
thought he was
but he was
not able to handle such a woman
such as me..

A waste of time and energy..

a clever disguise Allen was a guy I met at the coffee shop. We hung out a few times, made out once (I had to go, which ended it "early" and he was all mad at me for leaving him with a "problem"). He didn't want me after that and it drove me nuts. I would see him in the coffee shop flirting with other girls and even though I don't think I really even liked him, he just seemed like the guy everyone wanted, and I always felt like I should be with the guy everyone wants, so it drove me nuts.

So, somehow, I allowed myself to obsess over this guy when we had barely gotten to know each other, and I didn't even really like what I had gotten to know. I was in a big poem-writing phase (using the term "poem" loosely; I'm a terrible writer) and I was in a Chemistry class in college at the time and used all kinds of chemistry buzzwords in my poetry (again, loose term). I wrote some poem about how our romance "sublimated" and got up the nerve to give him this poem.

I mean, we weren't even really talking at the time and he was surprised I was even giving him anything. I went back to my table, and after he read it, he came over and sat down and he was just shocked. His whole face was like "WHAAAAAAT???" So he says something like, "I had no idea you even felt anything for me." And I played it off like, "It was just an artistic expression, man. I mean, don't read too much into it." I instantly regretted it.

Nothing happened after that. To my recollection, I pretty much just got over my weird obsession. But I guess, that's a good example of how just because you know something so hard in your own heart you feel like you're emoting it to everyone, most people have no fucking idea. Also, once I had the realistic experience of embarrassment upon him reading my drivel, I realized what a stupid obsession it was and moved on. Without telling anyone, I was able to keep the fantasy obsession going, but as soon as I tried to legitimize it publicly, it shattered.

This general story is totally relevant, though several detail words and the "whys" of it are unique to me.

P.s. I was 18 or 19 at the time.
P.p.s. I later heard this guy threw a lit cigarette at a homeless man while on a date with another girl from the coffee shop. The man asked if he could spare any change, and he threw a lit cigarette at him. I mean, seriously, you will never know anything about anyone right off the bat.
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