heroic_guilt stork daddy even as he kissed her, held her warm and naked close to him, there was a part of it that felt dishonest. not that it wasn't nice, but that it wasn't or didn't have to be as complete as he seemed to imply it always was. he was even thinking during some of even his most detailed and attentive ministrations of body or tongue or hands about how soft and pure a moment with another girl he knew would be, how entering her, and unrestraining all of that guilt and desire would be beautiful. and yet it was not only the desire to have sex with others that he felt he was denying. he did not want to just have sex with other women on the sly, like some average guy. it didn't seem very heroic. the anxiety and dishonesty he felt was that he was tired of hiding his intentions and his true heart from those he loved. even if he would no longer be denying his sexual desire, by hiding it, he'd be denying the innocence and purity he wanted to feel about his heart about its needs and his life. he wanted more than anything to be able to tell them all that he had to ramble sometimes, that just because sometimes what they thought important was just a detail, didn't mean he didn't love them. he wanted her to know his real love, what love really was to him, he wanted that innocence, to know he had put it out there for her to accept or reject, not tailored it for her acceptance at the cost of permanent discomfort and moments of loaded silence for both of them. it was the heroic he felt he was denying, not the sex. the sex was just an aspect of it, that honesty. it might even be secondary. he could resist it, if he could just admit it to her, say all of the horrible things sometimes one confides about love and life to a friend. if he could discuss her and life with the same ambivalence and attempted objectivity he did himself, then he would feel free. at least then he'd be offering her his true life. there had been a time when they had stood together in front of a mirror naked, and flexed various body parts, joking around and seeing what each one did, where each motion of their mind resurfaced, in what angle or rolling. in that moment he had felt like a kid again, herding beetles into a plastic cup, or playing in sand, with a friend, a marvelous thing, a best friend. someone you could shout i hate you to and still know that during hide and seek, they wouldn't leave you in your hiding place. 040216 ... :_) would it be okay to tell you that i think you're really cool? even if we don't have sex? 040216 ... and :_) also says and my heroic guilt is that i really want to. 040216 ... :_) tries to be good damnit, you do tempt me, but i can't. 040216 ... stork daddy yeah yeah yeah 040216 ... :_) yeah, oh you yawn. you are sick of my game. you think i'm pathetic. you think if i'm here but i won't then why bother. i don't know why the hell i write next to you. i don't know why it comforts me in some strange way. because i enjoy everything you write. why must you have a penis too? i feel guilt but i keep coming back for more. 040217 ... stork daddy don't torture yourself. just give in. 040217 ... critic if it's any consolation, i think you're annoying as hell. 040217 ... hyena it's a consolation to me. i think she's annoying as hell too. 040217 ... Be Annoying is a mild term. 040217 ... stork daddy egads...you try and write things on this site and it always comes to tit for tat. it's human's default mode of communication i guess. 040217 ... flyonthewall you guys suck, heroic guilt!? a hero should have no guilt! 040217 ... unhinged uuhhhh....dostoevsky. i mean this dude was writing about social anxiety disorder and paranoid schizophrenia in fictional contexts before modern psychology was even a twinkle in it's pedant's eye. yeah hubris my one permanent fatal error was you 040218 ... kudos kudos the hero 050225 ... unhinged . 190708 what's it to you? who go blather from