pandora's_cave_ii
unhinged lane woke up with a headache. the inside of her mouth was dry, covered in a bad tasting film of dehydration due to too much alcohol. she thought back to the night before and couldn't recall how much she drank.

then she thought a little bit harder.


dex had a way of topping off her glass. it was hard to tell exactly how much she had drank. one small dessert didn't really counter the affects of the unknown amount of wine. she cringed; she probably shouldn't have been driving home.

she stumbled out of bed and looked out the window on the way to the kitchen, coffee pot. there was considerable accumulation, but it wasn't like the weather channel had made it sound. the northern reaches of this particular storm knew how to handle several feet of snow in one snowfall. lane shrugged. at least she didn't have to shovel. ah the luxuries of renting instead of owning.

lane pulled open the fridge and noticed the big container of green super juice. she clumsily reached for the container, unscrewed the lid, and took a long pull straight from the bottle. she stopped to breathe and could feel the immediate rehydration of the inside of her mouth and went back for another chug.

today was going to be a long day with this kind of hangover. 		110211
...
lostgirl the earlier precipitation that had fallen in the form of freezing rain had coated all of the tree branches, window sills, roofs and wires with a perfect base for new snow to adhere to, and even in the stormy darkness, the result mother nature provided was a scene that could win any photography award for captivating, stunning beauty.

it appeared as though most of the population had heeded the national weather service warning to steer clear of the roadways, and julia was thankful for the empty avenues as she navigated her way toward home. she paused impatiently at the empty intersection and waited for the light to turn green. it seemed silly to obey traffic signals when there were no other cars in sight.

julia considered the fact that she didn't even feel tipsy, yet she also knew that the three glasses of pinot she'd just consumed would be more than enough alcohol to get her arrested should she get stopped by the police for doing something as stupid as giving in to impatience.

she pulled the lexus onto the freeway and ordered herself to relax her fingers on the steering wheel. she gulped in a deep breath that seemed to catch in her chest before enough oxygen was acquired. when the intro for the next song began she shook her head and sighed, and as quickly as the familiar acoustic strums hauntingly echoed through the speakers, julia pushed the advance button on the screen and abruptly silenced them.

'sorry clarence, can't deal with you today,' she said to the emptiness inside the car.

though citizen cope easily rated near the top of the pack among her favorite artists, right now she needed music that didn't provoke emotion.

opting instead for hip hop, julia absently nodded her acquiescence and guided her vehicle forward, and slightly pleased to finally see another vehicle, she accelerated slightly in order to get closer. it felt better somehow to use the red glow of the tail lights on the range rover in front of her as a guide.

she was somehow less alone.


'wonder what kind of mood he'll be in tonight,' she thought briefly of the scene that was likely to be waiting for her at home.

eerily intrusively, and almost as if james was answering her thoughts, the phone beeped again, alerting her of yet another message.

jules ignored it and continued to slowly motor onward, and smiling in spite of her worry, she allowed her imagination to carry her back in time to the last time it had snowed like this. 		110214
...
unhinged lane stumbled through life that day tired and cranky. thankfully being hungover wasn't all that horrible of a transgression in her line of work.

most of the day she sat behind the register watching the other shop girls help the customers. sales were pretty good; in recent months as fear of the recession faded away the rich people in the community she worked in where getting less stingy with their cash. high end designer clothes, jewelry, and other assorted goodies were just what these thirsty women were looking to drop cash on.

lane was daydreaming when she was rudely brought back to earth 'excuse me. miss' a well manicured hand snapped it's fingers in her direction.

'yes. i'm sorry. can i help you?' lane's voice fell flat even on her own ears. she cringed and stood up straight.

the woman tapped her iridescent pink fingernail on the glass right above lane's favorite bauble. 'can i see that please?'

lane removed the necklace from the case and took one last look at it. the heavy silver links of the chain dropped down to a melted welded masterpiece of different finishes of the metal with strategic etching and rhinestones. lane deftly shined the sparkly parts in front of the customer's face. 'would you like to try it on?'

'no.' the woman pursed her lips and shook her head curtly. 'it's not for me. it's for my daughter.'

'you have a lucky daughter.' lane smiled wistfully. 'would you like me to box it up then?'

the customer gave her the slow once over. 'well if you like it, emily will be sure to. yes, please. box it up.' she turned towards the more conservative designers and waved at lane with a fragile dismissive gesture.

lane was thankful she had to turn her back to the woman to wrap the gift. she was trying to save up some money to buy this particular necklace herself. she couldn't help but scowl as she boxed it up and thought of the inane cocktail parties downtown the poor thing would have to endure on the neck of it's owner.


the customer ended up spending much more money on several outfits for herself, all very classic and very boring. she ended up spending a sizable amount and the commission lane earned from the sale was ironically enough for her to buy her no longer available necklace.

'i might as well stop in and see dex on my way home after today' lane rationalized. 		110216
...
Lostgirl julia woke with a start, and in a single fluid motion she stretched her long limbs to their fullest potential, then yanked the pale yellow down comforter protectively over her head with an annoyed grumble. the intruding sunlight that had attacked her through the quarter inch gap between the wood blinds and the window frame had singlehandedly erased the final vestiges of the beautiful dream she'd been lost in, but simultaneously plunged her back into a reality she wasn't quite ready for.

"christ! fuck!" julia shouted into the warm blanket before she thrust the feathery coziness off of her face and reached for her blackberry. "what time must it be if the goddamn sun is in my eyes? sonofabitch!" her phone was nowhere to be found, and as she slowly became more aware of her surroundings, she realized she was inhabiting the guest room, and she must have left her phone in her purse. since phone equaled alarm for julia, no phone meant she'd definitely overslept.

'ah shit. well, at least it's not a work day,' julia silently reasoned, and shrugged indifferently as she flopped her sock covered feet onto the hardwood. 'just giving james another reason offer up his opinions of me, i guess,' she thought, sighing with a sharp recollection of the argument they'd had the night before.

james had been livid with her for driving in the storm, and he'd let her have it when she had finally arrived home. james was becoming more and more suffocatingly protective of her since the skiing accident had happened. she knew he meant well, but he constantly watched her, analyzed her, and second guessed her every move. she had taken the criticism that had come in the form of a verbal beating, and she'd apologized. yet again.

she was always saying she was sorry.

it was driving her to distraction.

she hadn't told him where she'd been though, and he hadn't guessed that she'd been drinking. julia would protect her time spent at pandora's at all costs. there was simply too much at stake. she was a good actress in that respect.

red wine, though she loved it, always gave her night sweats and a racing heart, however, and_so after james fell asleep she had retired to the guest room so as to not disturb him, and struggled into an initially fitful daze that finally gave way to a comfortable slumber. and that dream.... 'what a dream....' julia whispered into the quiet morning, instantly making a mental note to get to her online journal as soon as possible so she could write about it before she lost the important details.

julia padded along the hallway and down the plushly carpeted curved grand staircase as she made her way into the master suite on the first floor. she was expecting james to call out to her from somewhere, but she heard nothing except her own footfalls. pausing in front of the library window, julia absorbed the brilliantly sunny, snow blanketed morning and a smile tugged at her lips at the postcard-like beauty.

she loved winter, and this white_world she was beholding was absolutely stunning. it had to have snowed eight or nine inches, julia thought as she mentally measured the accumulation against the ornate black iron entrance gate.

the pieces started to fall into place.....school must have been cancelled, thus the reason no one felt it was an emergency to wake her up.

kiley was curled up on the recliner in the family room watching her show, world_world on the giant flat screen television, while the big boys were likely snoozing in their own teenage dreamworlds. though she couldn't see him, julia was able to hear the low drone of james' voice, and instinctively she knew he'd be seated at his massive granite topped desk imtently talking on the telephone to someone halfway across the world.

like a stealthy feline in pursuit of a hidden but perceived field mouse, she moved toward her dressing room to locate her purse and her phone before she went to him to say good morning.


julia retrieved her coach bag from the floor adjacent to the pile of clothing she'd left next to the laundry basket and dug into the pockets until she found her purple blackberry.

there was a blinking star on the home screen indicating an unopened text message.

it was from dex.

'did you make it home okay?' 		110217
...
lostgirl



julia couldn't hold back the smile, and wondered how it was possible to feel relief and regret in the same moment. she'd intended to get a text message to dex last evening when she arrived at home, but the onslaught from james had begun as soon as she'd pull into the garage. he had been so angry with her that she'd abandoned all other thoughts besides those that dealt with coping with his fury. she had finally succeeded with calming him down at two in the morning, thus the reason for her weary, scratchy eyes.

'but...' julia thought, 'today is a new day, isn't it?'

she quickly thumbed the keys on her blackberry and formed the chosen words without looking at the screen. 'home~thanks for checking on me. X0'

her resilience surprised her this morning. 

julia pocketed her phone, picked her pile of strewn about, dirty clothes, and hurriedly rifled through the pockets in search of her credit card receipt from
pandora's. she located the incriminating paper and popped it into her hoodie pocket. the credit card receipts always went into the shredder. julia knew she was taking a chance when she used the card at pandora's, but thus far, james had never questioned the recurring expense. 

shrugging, she padded down the hallway toward the kitchen with a new goal. coffee. 

she saw the empty pot and felt a stab of panic in the seconds before james walked through the archway. "we're out of coffee, hon. i know you reminded me to stop for it but i forgot."

'goddammit! sonofabitch shit, shit, SHIT!' the string of expletives snuck past her lips in an uncontrolled angry streak. kiley promptly popped up from her perch in the family room with a priceless wry grin on her face, and her laughing singsong voice following with her five year old child_wisdom: "hey dad! did you hear that? mom said some swear words....let's get out the soap!"

julia ignored kiley's comment but immediately regretted her choice of words.

james looked at julia strangely, his mouth hanging agape. he looked as though he was in complete disbelief at her overstated outburst but still he did not utter a word, realizing that her behavior was not all that far off from how his had been last evening. recalling their argument, james sighed resolutely and shook his head.

they fought constantly these days.

'i'm going to starbucks.' julia rubbed at the the wrinkles of frustration that she knew had appeared in her forehead with one hand and grabbed her keys with the other. she knew full well she had overreacted but she made no attempt to explain, opting instead to turn on her heel and slip through the mud room door without looking back.

her heart was pounding erratically again.

julia took several deep breaths in an effort to calm herself. the roads were completely clear, thank god. they were wet and messy, however, and julia couldn't help but to lament the fact that the snow that had piled up on the sides of the streets was quickly losing its lustrous shining gleam to the dirty cinders from the bustling morning travelers. there were a good many people out and about on this brilliantly sunny morning after the storm. folks were shoveling their driveways, kids were busily building snowmen and sledding in spherical saucers in their yards. it was beautiful, and yet she still had a restless knot in her gut. 'why can't i just be happy?' julia thought to herself. 'what the hell is wrong with me?'

jules pulled into the starbuck's parking lot and nodded with satisfaction when she saw that the spot next to the front door was vacant. 'at least something has gone right.' she thought, shoving the gear shift into park and hitting the engine-off button which automatically silenced the music she hadn't been paying an iota of attention to.

as she entered the shop, the smell of coffee enveloped her and she instantly felt a fleeting sense of relief, despite the fact that there were easily ten people in line ahead of her. she pulled her phone out of her pocket and absently scrolled through the pile of e-mails in her inbox. 

"anything important in there?"

julia looked up at the man in front of her in line.

'what?'

"i said, is there anything important in there?"

'why is this person speaking to me?' julia wondered, saying nothing but still staring at the good looking young twenty something guy wearing the bright green bonfire snowboard company jacket. he sported a pale yellow beanie boasting the word 'progression' on the front, and was using a battered set of crutches that was completely (decoratively?) covered with stickers. julia couldn't help but giggle when she saw that the right crutch was fashioned with a homemade cup holder.

"nah. nothing important." she finally found her voice. "what's up with the cup holder in your crutches?"

'its for beer.' he retorted with a half smile. 'i've been on these crutches for eight weeks. had a tib fib fracture.'

"snowboarding?" jules asked, referencing his bonfire jacket and burton hat.

'no. skiing. i hit the knuckle doing a double back flip off the jump. my ski flew off in the middle of it during a small-potatoes competition. it was pretty ugly.'

"thats too bad. you feeling better?" she motioned to his lower leg which was not fasted or even splinted.

'yeah. got my cast off last week, but the doc said i have to wait till next year to get back on my skis.'

"ah shit. that's awful. i had a pretty bad accident myself earlier this year. ambulance, trauma center, the whole nine yards."

'you look like you're okay now....what happened?'

"yeah, i'm okay. some guy from florida was skiing for the first time and got lost....found himself on a black diamond and was out of control, heading for some trees. he found me to be a better option for impact, and gave me a high speed elbow to the face. broke my jaw, my cheekbone, and knocked out seven of my teeth."

'asshole.'

"yeah. you got that right. anyway, its going to be a long road ahead with all the dental work that still needs to be done." julia suddenly remembered her manners as the line shuffled forward. "i'm julia by the way."

'scott. nice to talk to you.' he said, maneuvering his shoulders around his crutches so he could shake her hand.

"good luck with your recovery." she said, blowing out her breath and noticing that she was already feeling an improvement in her mood.

'you too.' he said, then turned his back on her to place his order. 		110225
...
typogirl yikes. lots of them. 110225
...
unhinged lane climbed in her car after work, slow and weary. she was more upset than she should have been that someone bought her favorite necklace. tears welled to her eyes and she shook her head vigorously.

'damn. i hope the mood swings are just pms,' lane thought to herself. she drove up the road sleepily, thinking about the color of the rude customer's nails as she was stopped at a light.

suddenly the horn of the car behind her blared loud and short with impatience. 'ok ok. damn. i'm going.' lane stepped on the gas. 'why is everyone in such a damn hurry around here? jesus.'

lane was relieved that pandora's cave wasn't far from her work. she found a manageable spot to parallel park the car right across the street. as she turned off the car, she noticed her hands were shaking, so she took a deep breath and once again tears came to her eyes.

she wiped the tears away in the rearview mirror 'pull it together girl.'

lane shuffled slowly across the street even though it was cold. she was greeted by dex 'hi dear. didn't expect to see you back so soon.' lane tried to limit her visits to once a week for budgetary reasons.

'i had an unexpectedly good day at work.' a feeble smile crossed her lips.

'ah. awesome. would you like some dinner then too?'

'yes please. drinking on an empty stomach did me in last night.'

dex arched an eyebrow in her direction 'you WERE in rare form. that's for sure.' he slid a menu onto the bar right in front of her deftly. 'our specials today are pear ravioli with a light cream sauce and candied walnuts and an african beef stew.'

'i'll take my usual.'

'not feeling adventurous today?'

'not at all.'

'pizza it is then.' 		110227
...
lostgirl julia placed her order for a nonfat caramel macchiato and two pounds of french roast beans, then pulled out her debit card to pay the astonishing total of twenty eight dollars to the purple haired punk boy manning the cash register. when she turned around to walk out, she saw that scott was sitting alone at a table next to the window.

'have a great day, scott. maybe i'll see you on the mountain sometime next season.' julia said with a smile and a wave.

stepping out into the elements took her breath away once again as the crisp frozen air mocked her inability to maneuver her life so she could ski during the week. 

julia slid into her car and kicked off the black crust of cinder snow from her ugg in an effort to keep her floor mats from looking any worse. her audible sigh was accompanied with the expected puff of vapor, but it quickly disappeared when she closed the door. 

the engine turned over with the push of a button, and suddenly johnny west's voice filled the car with an intense ballad that immediately tugged a smile to julia's lips. in the next instant her phone beeped, then beeped again almost insistently. 'jeesh,' julia thought to herself. 'someone is really tracking me down.'

her inbox displayed two messages:

the first was from james. 'sorry about the coffee. i am dropping kiley off at cj's to go sledding and then heading in to the office. she doesn't need picked up until ten tonight. going to a movie i am told. and don't forget i have a late meeting. ttyl.'

the second was from dex. 'sorry i missed your text. it was a late night last night and i just got up. glad you're safe. see you later?'

'what's up with that?' she said to no one in particular as she shoved the shifter into reverse and backed out of her prime spot. she had forgotten about james' late meeting but wondered what difference it made anyway. she was completely cognizant that theirs wasn't the only family that rarely ate dinner together, however she always felt they were more than moderately dysfunctional in that respect. 

knowing that the boys would sleep until at least noon because of the snow_day, jules opted out of going straight home, choosing instead to take the back road that led directly to whole foods. they had been asking for panko breaded chicken cordon bleu for two weeks. today they would get it. 'and james will miss it entirely,' julia thought with a mirthless giggle, knowing well that the voracious appetites that accompanied her adolescent male children would preclude any possibility of leftovers. 'oh well.' she texted dex then to jokingly respond to his offhanded inquiry. 'wouldn't you like to know?' any outside observer would never understand their banter.

julia sped-shopped through the familiar aisles and procured enough to provide two beautiful meals. a moment of guilt over leaving james out of a favorite meal on purpose perpetuated her purchase of the ingredients needed to make his true favorite snack. she would surprise him with baked romano cheese encrusted italian mini sandwiches filled with heirloom tomatoes, fresh basil, prosciutto, and fresh mozzarella served with oven roasted banana peppers. maybe she would actually get a smile from him.

she drove home, noticing once again that the day was absolutely perfect, and commended herself on the fact that she didn't take any medication for the anxiety that had threatened her this morning. maybe things were really starting to get better.

arms loaded with grocery treasures, julia opened the door that led inside to the mudroom, and was nearly leveled by her boys. they were loaded up as well but with snowboards and helmets. 'where are you going?' jules asked with an arched eyebrow. "jake said he could drive to the mountains, and dad said it was okay if we tagged along."

'oh,' jules said with an exasperated sigh. "will you be late?"

'dad said to be home by midnight.'

despite seeing her entire dinner plan fizzling into thin air, julia simply shrugged and kissed both of them on the forehead. "be careful."

and then they were gone.

when the house was quiet once again, julia unpacked the groceries as she whistled. she was feeling relieved for some reason. was she craving alone time and about to be rewarded? 'looks that way.' she thought, and carried her smile with her upstairs with the intention of getting herself ready to go.

she knew exactly where she would end up. 		110305
...
lostgirl julia plugged her ipad into the docking station in her bathroom and let the music come to life. she wasted no time getting ready, carefully but expertly applying makeup to cover the dark circles under her eyes while attempting to accentuate her better features at the same time. when she was satisfied with the outcome she gave her hair a quick brush and danced over to the dressing room inside her closet to change out of her sweats.

she tugged on her favorite levi's with the large hole in the knee as she sang familiar lyrics over top of atmosphere's upbeat hip hop.  'you love the people that love you...you hear the music they move to...'

julia didn't even give a moment's acknowledgment to her spectacular mood, surprisingly enough, but simply continued the processes that would enable her to get out the door, starting with pulling her beige vintage cashmere tunic over her head and torso and ending with donning her well-worn cowboy boots. 

julia stared at the reflection in the full length mirror on the back of the door and she simply shook her head. she was such a walking contradiction. forty five years old and listening to hip hop, while wearing beat up levi's and cowboy boots with cashmere. 'it works for me,' she thought, smoothing a nearly invisible wrinkle between her eyebrows.

not a half hour after her boys left, she was back in her lexus and making her way across town. julia noticed that the sun was falling toward the horizon and turning the sky into a magical lavender backdrop streaked with red clouds. in that moment she realized that she had accomplished very little for the day, but she was also confident that she didn't much care. she was so taken with the sunset that she barely took her eyes off of the sky for the entire drive to pandora's.

julia never even thought about looking in her rearview mirror. if she had she would have noticed the black BMW that had traced her exact path from start to finish.

charles waved at her as she made her way into the tricky little hidden parking lot. she had literally been gone from the bar less than twenty four hours. he quickly appeared next to her driver's side window and she automatically lowered it to hand him the keys. 

"hello again, ms. julia."

'hey charles.'

'you going in or are you going to sit a few minutes?' he asked. julia wondered fleetingly if it was odd that the parking lot attendant knew she sometimes sat in her car to read, write or at times just to listen to music as she watched the sun setting. she dismissed the thought almost immediately.

'i'm going in. thank you charles.' 

"no prob ma'am." he replied with a nod as he shoved her keys into his brown carhart overalls pocket. his blue eyes were red rimmed and glassy and he reeked of smoke and yesterday's beers, but he still managed a toothy grin for her benefit. 

"whenever you're ready ms. julia....i'll lock it up for ya. take your time." 		110315
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