livid
koshy y'know i really shouldn't be writing you this email when i'm this upset, but as Sam has reminded me, you don't need the nice treatment. because you don't play fair.

what the fuck did you think the point of that letter was? i told you what it was to me. to let you know how much you meant to me. and yes, now i say meant, because it's past tence. because of the letter you wrote in responce, or as i refer to it, the piece of shit letter you sent in responce, i've changed my mind. now you mean nothing. you are officially like every dumb fuck of a man i've ever come across. i wrote you to let you know something. it was extraordinarily hard for me to do. i tried so hard to write it so you wouldn't get the wrong idea about it, that you wouldn't look into things that weren't said, or look too far into things that were mentioned. apparently i failed. because now i have this nagging feeling that you think i'm hooked on you. that you are the most wonderful man in the whole fucking world and every girl you come across latches onto you like a worthless leach and oh how popular i am, i have to fight the women off with a stick!!

where the hell do you get this idea? from where i said "deep down i'll always love ya mike" oh i'm sorry, did i confuse you? did i say "oh deep down i'll always love you more than anyone in this whole world and i'm still so incredibly in love with you i cant live my life because you're on this pedistal and i can't possibly like any other guy ever, because i'm sitting here wishing on a star that you are the one for me, and one day you'll see that too" well gee, i don't remember saying that! do you not realize there are other types of love? for me, love is trust, it's comfort, its accepting the person for who they are. that is why i *loved* you. that is why i *love* Sam. it's the kind of love you share between friends. but apparently i was never concidered a friend to you. at least that's what i got out of that piece of shit you threw my way.

i was your choice distraction for a few months. oh lucky me! i was, and still remain to be, the "cyber" chicky. how fucking insulting was that! right there you're saying i'm not a real person, i'm just another one of the faceless girls on your computer. i can't believe you sat there complaining about how all these girls treated you like crap eventually, when that's exactly what you do. and like hello? you're a *friend*... where the fuck did you get the idea i thought otherwise? you were the first guy i trusted. you allowed me to move on with my life (and yes, that says MOVE ON mike, that's doesn't mean i'm stuck to you like glue, that really does mean i've moved on. check the dictionary of the meaning if you still aren't quite sure) i was no longer afraid of taking risks with guys and trusting them because i've done it before i can do it again. and the reason i trusted you was because i thought you were different. apparently not.. it just took quite a while for "the evil beast that's mike" to reveal itself. in that email at all did i ask you to lecture me? i didn't think so. i didn't write that for you to respond with every way possible to say "priorities change!" and "i've moved on! what the fucks your problem?!" without actually saying the words. can you not take a compliment? of are you just that fucking stupid?

and you saying "oh i'm not mean!" that was just fucking dumb because that is the single most mean, hurtful letter i've EVER recieved offa someone. where did hate and disinterest come into play? what, is that your real feelings and you just can't say them? why can't you ever say what you fucking mean mike? all you do is dance around using big and strong words when you don't even know how to use them for fuck sake. all you end up with is a bunch of shit that cuts me up to no end. since when do i deserve for you to make me feel worthless and stupid because you meant something to me. all i wanted out of that email was for you to respond. not give a bunch of fucking crap. for you to say "well thank you for telling me that kat, i know it was a hard thing to do" or did you not read that part where i said the email was very difficult for me to write you? i'm very open with my feelings for my friends, just ask Sam. i love her to pieces and i tell her that often because i think everyone needs a reminder every once in a while about how another person feels about them. i know when someone says things like that to me it makes me feel special and loved. so i return the gift by letting others how i feel about them.

but you just took all of that, stomped on it and threw it back at me. you didn't want it. you didn't want to hear it. you didn't care. you don't give two shits about me or my feelings, and you said it ever so clearly. i never meant a thing to you. i was only your cyber distraction. and then something else caught your eye, "well goodbye koshy! it's been fun! have a nice life! because i'm MIKE! i only care about ME, and whats going on right NOW. the world revolves around ME, didn't you know? cause i'm MIKE! i'm SPECIAL! i'm gonna make you feel like a worthless piece of crap because i know i can!! and then if you retort about what i've said, i'm gonna make you feel guilty by letting you know that i'm hurt! oh whoa is me! koshy yelled at me! oh *sob* i dont deserve that! i'm the good guy!" no you're fucking not mike. you're just like every other guy. my god, i seriously didn't think my opinion of you would change so incredibly much in one fucking day. i was so upset when i read that this morning. i could barely get thru work because i didn't know what to do. this wasn't what i was expecting. a lecture on how idiotic and stupid and worthless my feelings are, and how someone can disreguard those feelings so easily.

i have to tell you tho mike, before i wrote that initial letter, i wrote one to Sam. i was contemplating just syaing goodbye to you. i didn't see a point in my wasting time wondering how you are or if i should just out my feelings and why i get hurt when you're an ass, not that that would stop you from being an ass, but just to let you know. get it off my chest because for some reason i had to let you know how much you meant. she didn't think i'd have it in me to say goodbye because of how special you are to me. i knew she was right. but now? fuck that. you just gave me every reason to say good bye now mike. you don't deserve my friendship. i don't need to be constantly hurt by you. i don't need any of that. i don't need you. not after that. you just showed me how much of a concieted ass you really are. and i know now that if you ever cared one bit about me, you wouldnt have written any of that. if this is the way you are when someone pours their heart out to you, and has a D&M as you call it, and that wasn't a "SO TO SPEAK" you ass, and this is the way you act? why the fuck would i want to meet you mike? you are the last person ever that i wanna meet right now. i can just picture it. you'd be looking everywhere except in my eyes and backing away slowly. you'd be a complete ass.

every email i've written where i've tried to say my feelings you've just responded in a way that was letting me down easy. i just dont get why. i'm not "up" on you mike. haven't been for 3 years. i'm just a nice person is all. i like to keep in touch, i like to let my friends know they're loved, i'm not an immature ass who can't handle when people speak thier minds, or accept a friendship in whatever form it may come in. if you're going to act like a phenominal jerk, then go ahead, act like a phenominal jerk. i don't want to be a part of it anymore. i'm finished with being hurt by you. you alone have hurt me more then i've ever known. and i just want to say goodbye and not hear from you mike. but alas, this is your dream come true isn't it! here i am telling you my feelings and all the time you're just trying to shoo me away. well mission accomplished. i for one can say i'm not writing you anymore mike. i'm not going to be thinking about you either. i'm better than that. did you think i can't live without you? i don't think you could be any more wrong. so good bye mike. please don't respond to this letter, believe me that's the last thing i want. but knowing you, you'll be a complete jerk, say hurtful things about how stupid and worthless i am, and try and make me feel quilty about being mean to you, because you're MIKE! you don't deserve THAT!

so now that i've got all my feelings out, it's time for me to sign off. but first, since you keep telling me that i have to move on, i think i shall return the favour by saying MOVE ON MIKE! GET OVER ME! DON'T WRITE ME ANYMORE! so there hows that. feel better? dont you dare try and make me feel quilty for this one mike. it's time i let my anger out on you. that shit letter you sent was the last straw. my love for you as a friend is no longer unconditional. it's all but faded in a span of a day. i can't say i'll ever forget you mike. you were too prominent in my life at one point, and you used to mean alot to me. i can never forget that. i can never forget all you did for me during those few months, but i also can never forget the pain you put me thru in the time since. you continually cut me with the words you said to me. and you couldnt even act like you cared. and since priorities change so very much (oooh here's your favourite!) you are no longer one of mine. i will never regret writing this letter, i will never feel guilty for it. but i will always miss the michaew hawtwey i grew to know and love. but i haven't seen him in so very long that it really wont be much different. who knows, maybe time does heal all wounds. but by the time that stage comes, will we really care to know eachother anymore?

and to think, if i waited a few more days to write this it wouldn't have been so harsh. but i'm glad i took Sam's advice. i needed to yell at you.

goodbye mike. thanks for all the shits and giggles. have a great life. 		030523
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