an_epiphany_in_blood the darker confessions of a mad bird sometimes, anger really is a gift the first couple of fights i got into when i was a kid, i was small and shy and basically a wuss. In short, easy prey for the phony-tough it took getting my ass handed to me a few times by kids who wanted to pick on me to just let go. When i reached an age where my passive demeanor still invited people who wanted to bust my nuts for no other reason than because they thought they could, my height and size gave them pause this was when i discovered the value of the cheap shot. i was 14 the first time i got my nose broken. the other guy and i only hit each other once before the rest of the guys in class rushed in and pulled us apart, but as the knot on his forehead began to swell from the "Scottish Kiss" i gave him and the bottom half of my face was a crimson mask, i felt this crazy euphoria overtake me it may feel like shit when the adrenaline wears off, but since then, i find the strangest moments of zen in the midsts of a good dust-up i acheive my own satori in the process of delivering it, in literal fashion, to others. by contrast, i also get there sometimes while fucking, although for the last few years it's been mostly easier to find a fight than to manage a good lay 050906 ... stork daddy you should try both at once...you might reach enlightenment! headbutts are nifty though. when i was in grade school and the beginning of high school i had such a bad temper they used to say i took "mad pills" or some stupid grade school thing like that. cheap tactics were pretty much all i could get away with then...and why not...it worked for ric flair. i had this one chop block type move called the "bulgarian midget" that was just...nevermind...anyways then i changed a bit in high school...and since then it's always taken a ridiculous amount of aggression on the other person's part to force me out of the safety of my stasis and make me act. headbutts always make for great stories afterwards. it really does feel like i'm too afraid of myself to act, not afraid of being hit but hitting back. training helps with that. i guess i still consider myself a pacifist though...in a way of the sword sort of way. either way it's true that when you've surrendered your sense of personal safety and are just acting as a game piece you achieve a sense of sublime detachment. even having a cut open and feeling blood on your face is a somewhat serene experience in the sense that you're forgetting anxiety and just focusing on the demands of the moment. i don't know if i consider the sensation the same as good sex...but sex is nice too. 050906 ... stork daddy also...i should mention i'm a really tough soulful guy who, though troubled, ultimately protects the world from evil and superficiality... but in a sensitive way that leads to a lot of mind blowing love making. just kidding. but i do like rolling around with other dudes. in all seriousness birdmad you should take up some type of sparring based combat sport...from what i've remembered of street fights, the mental state is largely the same (the stakes are a little lower) and a lot more sustainable. also it's legal. there's a comraderie in beating the crap out of each other. 050906 what's it to you? who go blather from