desperation_is_unattractive Syrope so i wait until i'm alone, and try to coax out the tears. i don't feel as ugly as i used to. only when i'm around you do i feel absolutely beautiful. i want the parts of me that are ashamed and abused to leak out of the corners of my eyes and stop plaguing me. but the words and the ideas cram themselves into the front of my brain and ache. throb. the possibility of your disapproval was more than i could take. your gentle touches in the shower more than i deserved. "you've never made me feel unsafe, you've never cornered me and made me tremble, you've never..." i want to leave this place but i don't want to leave you. you told me you'd love me for all eternity, but i don't know if i can let you. the way you hardly ever say anything romantic makes the small things you offer so precious, whether you mean it to or not. while my words seem so artificial and packaged. when i read over them i'm afraid that others will *only* see the ugly desperation. my eraser scrubbings on the blather paper would have made these words impossible to read. my ramblings are only as incoherent as the thoughts behind them are tormented. you have asked the least of me of anyone i know, and i want to give you the most of myself, but i feel like a failure already. i do want to live with you. maybe even marry you. even though you said marriage to you isn't a permanent bond. it's too late for us to worry about impermanence. i just want to be pretty for you. i just want to be sure of something. i just want to believe in hope again. 030714 ... Death of a Rose hmmm... 031014 ... megan syrope you spoke directly to me ou spoke my fear 040307 ... misstree there is no need, only celebration. 040308 ... Syrope my god i can't believe i wrote that, looking back now. i'm amazed sometimes, at who i used to be. but thank you megan, i feel that way so often - it's really great to be felt that way ABOUT... this week, on break, i was thinking how i've been so...mediocre lately. i havent had any real trauma going on. i've been elatedly happy for moments at a time, but things aren't perfect. but they aren't crappy...and i feel like i look mediocre...it's odd. when i'm in the depths of despair i feel so ugly. when i'm really happy i feel beautiful. but i want to experience sharp emotions again. i need to start being less afraid of the risks. i need to dare to be ugly & beautiful all at the same time. 040314 ... oldephebe i don't know S, i thought it was kinda brave to let yourself be so naked..er vulnerable..yeah you spoke to some things i've said or felt...halo of blood ringing my had..dim pangs gushed out upon those yellowed brittle pages..an attempt to chronicle..er paint..er give voice cathartically like to the deep currents running through the human soul. beautiful stuff..and yeah sure (...) it's GOOD to GROW and know from whence that growth came..blah bep bliggin' blaaaaaahhhh. ..... 040314 ... oE feel like a broken light bulb swinging in a closet..and there's this sense of desperation in me on me that's almost prehensile..not unlike i'm sure the formicative sensations of alcohol withdrawal... 040314 ... silentbob elusive is irresistable 040314 ... Syrope but distant_is_daunting 040314 ... mmmmrrrphhh...! god it's getting really hard to subsume this uncharitable urge...but i will.. 040314 ... partially integrated cyborg thanks. 040331 ... Syrope at last, not a lonely blathe 060216 ... Speaking for myself... Desperation is not always unattractive. In fact there are times when it can be quite a turn on. I am drawn to a certain type of desperation...though I am not drawn to all forms of it, of course. 060216 what's it to you? who go blather from