caring
Yoda What do I care if you care about anything? It makes no difference to me, and yet I still have the feeling that I need to help in some way, any way, to make you want to care to make you become like me. If no one cared then I would not need to help, but until then or if there ever is a then. Hello, I am Yoda. 000504
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lola I need somebody to hug me.
-Lola
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typhoid maybe if you just asked, somebody would ;) 000511
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lola at the time, i did need a hug and so i thought of blathing under "aside"- 'i need a hug' but then it became a greater joke opportunity (did anybody get it?) thus masking that original thought.

the wallet and keys are now found. would you hug me still? i like it when you do. i hug back, you know.
-L-O-L-A
000511
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rollins As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious 010106
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Chrity go to:
i_have_words
010408
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devalis makes everyone miserable, but wouldn't you rather be miserable than bereft of all feeling? 020823
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niska is that what you're doing when you hide just enough so i can see you're hurting? 030314
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megan he gives me words
(as unreliable and unstable they are)
words that promise and make me stronger
words i can't ignore
(i'd never want to)
and his arms go around me
and it feels so natural to put my head on his shoulder
and he wraps me up so so tightly so i can't tell where his heartbeat ended and mine began
and for those moments
(even if only for those moments)
i would give my life
and all that is within me
030909
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QuietChaos Who ever thought,
Who ever knew,
So much pain,
Would come from you?
070612
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? why ? 070613
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fuffle wheres my Mumma gone ? 070613
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ioata you are a bunch a prymexes 070630
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Risen Caring about me brings people pain.

I could put it in more complex terms, but that's basically the crux of it.

When I was a child, it hurt to care about me and see me go through endless traumas.
As a teenager, well, it hurt to care about me because I lashed out a LOT.
Now, it hurts to care about me, because my suffering is never-ending, and it's too depressing to watch.

Dragging other people down with you brings so much guilt, so much anger at the world and your circumstances.

For a long time, I thought about putting myself out of my misery. But that would cause so much pain for others that I just cannot contemplate it.

The thing which really brought it home, ironically enough, was the Blacklist. There's a beautiful (and somewhat graphic) speech which ends in the observation that every suicide is like a suicide bomb - 2An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you. Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you, the ones who cherish you are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to people who love you?"

I don't ever want to do that kind of thing again. It may hurt to care about me, but I don't want it to be because I'm the one doing the hurting. Never again.

I know I'll never have things like a family, or even a girlfriend. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The daydreams are enough.

I wish I could tell people how sorry I am that they care for/about me. I wish I could stop it hurting them.

Today_I_feel shame and guilt.
180731
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Lemon_Soda All I know is I don't love anyone who didn't make me smile. 180803
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Doar Holy jumping catfish dancing Jebus on the field on jumping jacks.

Risen,

I just read what you wrote and I have to say that alot of that resonated with me, and I wish you all the best reasons for carrying on. I have been down there and still am down there discovering my own weeds along the glass covered pathways.

Anyways, in a clumsy but heartfelt way, Keep on brother. Many others here have great big hearts here on blather and will say the same thing. Carry on brother.

Much love from a vacant skite.

.
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ever dumbening i second that. 180805
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Risen Thank you.

Knowing there are people in the Blue is so comforting.

I'm working on my reasons!
180805
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ergo hum some people equate anxiety with caring 180805
what's it to you?
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