a_friend_could_be Grievance A friend. I have a friend who unfortunately through some complex of his own devising has gone through more than 20 years of this gauntlet of life without knowing what it is and means to become a true friend. His apathy has become such that he is immune to the gears that turn humanity, and so sees no significance in using the devices developed out of the common suffering of mankind that serve to seek candid mutual benefit to all parties. This apathy was developed to run from his emotions, like he runs from the reality of himself. His true parents he does not know, except for their heritage. I believe this is a never addressed source of a supreme lack of self confidence for him. Because of this lack of confidence he runs. Which started a chain reaction of him running and becoming less confident and running and becoming less confident. Until the only thing left to acknowledge that confidence in him is pride and praise. Pride is a top heavy pole with a shakey base, and yet he chooses in all earnesty to hold on to it tightly as much as it sways and threatens to dump him off. Praise is as whimsical as the weather, and he takes criticisms with anger or apathy, depending on how close it hits home. Yet, I call him friend. Yet I still wish to help him. Yet he is so frustrating and I often feel he is wasting not only the prime years of my life, but deforming my spirit and careening me down a path of self desolation from which I might never fully recover. My patience wears on edge, and he questions the things I hold dear and holds them in a contempt and thinks they are gay, or silly. And yet he doesn't realize his hypocrisy in his every action. But I do. And thinking maybe I misunderstand, that it is not a hypocrisy, that it is something other than what I percieve it as, I give in and accept it for the purpose of learning and so slowly, ever so slowly, I am becoming the person I would help through change. I instead of changing him am becoming changed. I never used to get angry. Even in the most earnest situations where anyone would say, yes, your anger is justified, I had a cool blue reason that could cut through the hate, snuff it out and turn it into a beneficial understanding. I have lost that along with the ability to become and sustain myself and my own being. I used to have more free time too, but now, now I'm simply working. And work sucks the soul away. It eats through the heart and kills your creativity, deadens your sensitivity to yourself, wears on your patience and tolerance, and kills kills KILLS you. You aren't you any longer after working a year. You are a compromise between the you that started out so sanguine and wise and the you that could end up, spawned from the hate and anger and frustration and helplessness and discompassion from the situation of knowing what is right but not being able to act on it. It creates an inner turmoil that sours the entire human perspective and embitterns every aspect of your being. And having a friend, that doesn't know what friendship is, is only making things far far worse. Especially since he is the closest thing to a close friend I currently have. I had others. One kept doing drugs and he fell out of contact. The other too, did drugs and died from it. And now I'm left with this new friend that I thought would understand as the others before him had, and yet he doesn't. And probably never will in this lifetime. So why or why does my conscience not let me give up? Why is a vested interest, if promised to be always draining and detrimental, so hard to let go of anyhow? Is this perhaps the only good part of me left? And when I do let go, and seek for the change I've been seeking and make it happen, will that be the moment that I forever lose my chance to regain my path? 061219 what's it to you? who go blather from