my_tormenting_wonderment Moirai They say that you never truly appreciate what you have til it is gone. I'm inclined to half agree with this sentiment. On one hand if and when I finally decide to leave - you will sense the loss of not having me in your life. At first you may become depressed - you might even mourn, but with time mindfulness begins to fade. memory_erodes and before we know it things will merely go back to the way that they once were. You'll forget how much fun we have in each others company and all the quirky things we have in common. And I'll forget certain aspects too - all the while others remain. Distance will loom. In my own little portal through which I view diverse aspects of human life. Dissecting the meanings and consequences of pain. (Therein lies my tormenting wonderment) The fundamental nature of human experience. Astonished that we lasted this far. In agony because you played with my heart. Acting as if I am now not worthy of your time or presence. The way you pulled and walked away from me. Denying me the opportunity to express how I felt. But that doesn't matter anymore - does it? It only did when you said you wanted me. When you needed me to save you. Despite this fact I am still in awe of my attachment to you. Such a funeral I allowed myself to step in. (my tormenting wonderment) the nature of my experience Count the degrees of intensity. physical, mental, emotional I'm reminded of duration and frequency of occurrence. mild - - - - intolerable The scales always tip to the right. The longer we don't talk the more it hurts. The longer we don't talk the more I need this distance. But you don't see it coming - do you? Speaking in terms of absolutes: you never do. avoidable or unavoidable useful or useless? deserved or undeserved ... does it really matter? Being of sentient nature I am expected to suffer its processes - your process. I ponder origin and cause meaning and significance. pain and suffering I remind myself: moral conduct spiritual advancement ultimate destiny. (my tormenting wonderment) the nature of forced circumstances you: The essence of suffering. Cause of suffering: indifference me: Cessation of suffering. The way leading to cessation: (separation, denial, farewell) When I finally allow myself to let go. This time it will be different. 090128 ... . . 090128 ... .. .. 090128 ... unhinged . they never see it coming and it seems like maybe he's turning changing his mind toward me but then again drunken kisses are just that and he is talking of leaving work to start in on his career which i can't help but thinking may be good for both of us because when faced with the choice i hold onto him like a cement block as i'm drowning (is buddhist because she sucks at letting_go ) 090128 ... In_Bloom As a child, did you ever play with two magnets? 090128 ... unhinged yes. i liked to try and try to get the similar poles to stick together, which always ended up in one magnet shuffling away from the other like an invisible string was holding them apart. too similar, me and him. there is always the slightest but biggest space between us. 090128 ... In_Bloom You push then pull And me, I have resisted even when giving in Your nature and mine have found playground 090626 what's it to you? who go blather from