chasing_reed chasing reed hello my dear. i want to bring you into my world of blather, but i didn't know how to introduce you. well here it is, my purple escape (and there's a red one too, but that'll come in a minute). whatever name i happen to be blathering under will appear at the bottom left. click on the name and any other names i've tied in with that particular email will pop up along with a list of things i've blathed about. i'll give you a list of my names, but not on blather. got some people that i can't have tie me to blathes. there's certain aspects of my life that you may know, but others don't. the date is at the bottom right, you can also get a list of all the "blathes" on that day by clicking on it. i'm sure you'll figure it out. there's so much i have in my heart that i want to say about you, to you, but right now it hurts too much. i'm still mourning your eyes and your touch, it's like seeing the most brilliant sunset only to be struck blind in it's absence. i don't even know. i want to write what i feel, but right now it's too much to have it on my heart let alone try to make words out of my pain. i just want to lay down with you, but you're so far away and about to be farther. i don't know what i'm going to do when you go down to florida and i have to deal with that. you've only been gone from me for 3 hours and i already feel like i can't breathe. anyhow, this site is me, part of me anyways. it's like a journal that i could only bring myself to put out online. that way i'm not always tripping on my past. some of it is silly, but most of it is just depressing. 050531 ... a chaotic gift to idealism what falls overhead is not an emotion of pain, grief, anger, or jealousy. It is the warm feeling that churns stomaches, letting them have the reminder that they were chosen. All of those whom we have held so dear in the past falter on their own limbs to become what they are... the past. Those who stand true and those who we hold dearest to our hearts are those of the present. We all have our doubts as to the integrity of one anothers hearts. No matter how much power you possess in your body, mind, and soul, no human has the capacity to fully believe in it's own worth. In our doubts, roaming the chared remains of our own good health and outlook upon ourselves, we will always fall short of reaching the ever present goal of feeling worthy of those we love. If i felt i was more worthy or even worthy at all of the one i love, then it would be obvious that i do not love them with all that i am. This sign of 'holier than thou' is not something that one loving person passes to the one that they love. It is the ever-present desire to better ones self in order to leech the happiness out of he/she they love. If you feel that you are more than worthy of the one you love, it leads you to the point of believing that you should be looked up to, you should be worshipped. This is not love of another, this is love of ones self. I do not believe that i will ever feel worthy of you. This will be my fight until i expire. To do everything in my power to try to achieve being worthy. This is my fight that i will never win. This is the greatest fight i have ever faught and i am in a state of pure nirvana in knowing i will never win this fight, yet i will fight my best. I know i will never fall out of you. I love you AJ see you tomorrow sweets. Jonathan 050708 ... littledoseofperfection i wondered what you would feel upon seeing this page; worried is more like it. i couldn't ask for anyone better than you in my life. you are more than worthy. it is i who will always fall short. i love you, Jonathan. my hope is to make every tomorrow better than today for you. 050710 what's it to you? who go blather from