high_school_reunion knot meat the invitation sits on his desk for hours. he doesn't think about high school much, but he remembers it everytime he has an indulgent fantasy, as the place that gave him his cast of characters. if he knew then what he knew now, if he could fill that awkward body with the confidence that it was all of them, and not he who were just kids, that they'd break like kids, that deep down, they listened to whatever voice was the firmest, he could've said something, he could've stopped him or her or them, they would've loved him. he's not the only one. one of the pretty girls can't go, she still can't believe that guy dumped her after high school, that he only wanted her mouth, her eyes and face as a frame, but she understood sadly then as now, when she thinks about how warm and soft her throat was everytime she stuck her fingers in it. knew all she ever had worth saying was silence. and as she looks at the invitation, she wishes she was friends with some of those girls at the tables during dances laughing. some of the ones who seemed to know that he was a dick. maybe they could tell her what she's still doing wrong, now less pretty, but her throat still warm and soft. and no one's really a nerd anymore. once you become a father, a mother, a lover, you're a king or a queen. you learn that life is good if you matter to as little as one person. really the only people who can change are the ones who understood then that the instruction they received here was beneath them, was incomplete. they were off to the sides a lot, in the back of photos, or sometimes they were the brash ones, but also self-loathing. they change too, but often into what they feared so much they mocked it. the rest get trapped in something. like the distance runner who still thinks it's okay to just show up at the finish line. if he could accept his lonliness, why couldn't others? and some people's greatest love was in high school. you can't blame them. everything was taken care of. they didn't feel like they were lying, or denying what life really is, as you do when you don't have time for a kiss or a laugh because things need taking care of. and for a lot of people it was a time to cool to forget, but more comfortable to be done with. you don't have to sit next to brad pitt in homeroom or watch achingly as your lab partner halle berry gives you a smile at a joke, and you both know nothing ever more. but it was a time, too cool to be forgotten for a lot of people. when else were you so close to the idols of your contemporary society? when else were you surrounded by so many chances? chances in people who expected you, to be there, to engage. he looks at the invitation, she looks at the invitation, both throw them out. what would it solve now? the old hurts have become new hurts. the real villain seems themself now. but what if, what if he held me again, she thinks, away from all them, above them, like that night he took his truck, and i stayed out all night, not caring what my daddy said. and what if, he thought, what if, everyone could hear my voice, if they could all live near me, if they could all try a little harder this time, to escape themselves. 040122 what's it to you? who go blather from