to_be_loved Risen Monday I remember what it felt like to be loved. To have that warmth wrapped around me. It is such a dim memory that it barely registers. It is like I saw sunshine once, and the memory of it lingers, now I live in my cave. I wonder if the reason I went back to my exes is because after they 'fixed' me and took away so many of my emotions, the only strong ones I could feel were those which I could remember feeling in the Before. Who knows. All I know that I miss what it feels like to be loved. To be the one that someone loves. To be their One. The one they think of, the one they want to be with. The one they miss. I can barely remember. My life has become so small now. So very small. Over the last three years I have watched it shrink into a shadow of its former self. The person I was before my nice, normal life was taken away from me by a drunken scheme. Before my best friend and my girlfriend left. Before I was so alone, so very alone. And I have always fucking hated November, because this week, this week reminds me all about what it was like to be loved, and to lose that love. To have something to look back on and think "there, I almost had it, just there". And to think that twelve years ago I made some decisions because I was a young, foolish and crazy. Then again, maybe it's just symbolic of all the loves I had which I threw away because I always hungered for more. More, more, more. Anything to feed the black hole in my chest - the symptom of a disease it took a long time to have diagnosed, and even longer to cure. Now I am cured, I am all better. I am sane and healthy, but now... now there is no love. I remember what it felt like to be loved. I remember what it felt like to be chosen. Just once. Twelve years ago, I was the one who was chosen. I remember what it was to be loved. But most of all, I remember what it was to lose it all. 151109 ... daf you_are_loved embrace it and it is true. 151110 ... today yesterday hell_is to_be_loved 151111 ... flowerock Is to hold a great responsibility, to love_yourself just as much, to take care of yourself, to be honest and clear. To be loved is beautiful, to feel warm sunlight in and around your heart_and_soul. When my doggie wags her tail furiously a d jumps all over to finally settle snuggled up to me is the best image of love I can think of in highschool a good friend and I decided that love was having someone who was as excited to see you as you were to see them, kind of like puppies... 151111 ... unhinged always seems so far away. intellectually, i know this is true. but the reality of being alone interspersed with meaningless_sex doesn't help me believe i am worthy or deserving. being told over and over that i am worthy and deserving when i am still alone doesn't change this. i am alone love is the opposite of alone words on a screen are alone no matter what the intention. words on a screen do not replace hugs and affection. lust also does not replace hugs and affection. i am alone this feeling is always intensified at this time of year when the days become short and grey when the cold settles into my bones i ache inside and out all methods to alleviate this have so far failed me except maybe practice of my faith (let me have the courage to reject the tendency to fall the next time i am attracted to someone. let me be brave enough to demand better from those that want to share even a fraction with me.) 151112 ... xadle I've often imagined that I want to be loved in a way that is loud and clear- expressive. But reality always shows me that I don't. Or at least, I am not comfortable getting what I want. I am happy enough with a persistent underground expression of love, which I on occasion doubt, and demand to see emerge from the underground. I don't even want to get into the uncomfortable dances I have done when the L word has been thrown at me unexpectedly. I suppose this all has something to do with vulnerability. 151112 what's it to you? who go blather from