sand_francisco ever dumbening it really bothers me how much i struggle with decision making. and right now i have so many to make, from tiny to giant. should i eat breakfast; what should i eat for breakfast? should i unpack this box, these boxes, and then what to do with them. should i chip away at the endless litany of tasks, or should i cross the bridge and check the surf? yesterday, i checked it but it sucked, and i was tired (calculate, calculate, calculate). i'm slightly less tired, the report says it's decent, but i want to get some stuff done (partly out of personal desire, partly out of avoidance of guilt, partly out of absolute necessity). should i cross the bridge to live? less parking more dollars (calculate, calculate, calculate). should i get to work on changing jobs? i've never had success before in this, why would now be any different (calculate)? should i give up on art? should i take up paper sculpture instead of steel? should i ask her out, or will the result be the same (a "no," or a waste-of-time date, or a couple weeks or months to realize an initial "no" would've been better)? should i write, should i swim, should i run? should i run? should i try to grow up, would it work anyway? 070312 ... jackie "play freebird man!" mc cracken i quit trying to grow up and just decided to be whatever the hell i ahappen to be from one minute to the next, future be damned my only limits are my job (they put up with me being a weird, whacky and generally nutty bastard) and how many $ i have in le banc at any given moment 070312 ... sameolme Because this grain of sand is protected, all of the city is protected. 070313 ... jane wow you know i've kind of begun to enjoy the possibilities of decisions; i am so definitely like you e.d.. elton gets frustrated with me because i'll wander around the grocery store or the movie store just browsing, browsing. it's harder for me to have someone around who is so intent on getting what we need & going - high level of anxiety for me to make choices like, what kind of bread do i want out of these 37,000,000 types? i need time to consider, reconsider, (calculate), make my decision. i'm learning to appreciate not being in a hurry - i guess i just have to go shopping alone - but the only thing i have to keep in mind is to not let the calculations hinder me from actually GOING out and doing something, you know? there was this fire out here in sacramento a couple weeks ago, and you could see the smoke from up to 50 miles away, and i was driving back from davis & thought... man... i just gotta go out there & see it. so i drove home and peed thinking i was going to be in traffic for a long time.. asked cris if she wanted to go, she says, no... i'm just not interested in that kind of thing... elton had already gone & didnt want to go again... so then i was stuck in this limbo of do i go? do i stay? do i want to go alone? agh what do i do? and so basically i just jumped in my car (fuck it! i'm going!) because i knew i would have regretted not going. never regret doing something, you know? and i pulled over on the side of the freeway and took pictures with my phone but mostly just watched the flames and the smoke billowing up in pinks & purples in front of a glorious sunset. i'm so glad my impulse monopolized my calculations and the fuckiti'mgoing! was my motivation for a beautiful evening. 070330 what's it to you? who go blather from