square_the_circle_chapter_21_ unhinged kayla sat near the strip of trees along the back edge of the sand in her hoodie. the ocean was so foreign and beautiful to her at the same time. growing up in the midwest, she was more accustomed to the forest and the changing colors and smells of fall. route 11 between ashtabula and youngstown was like driving in a living painting that time of year. the smell and the sounds and the colors of the ocean enchanted her. kayla was already thinking of how she would miss youngstown in the fall though. her thoughts drifted back to the ocean as she watched scott paddle out into the deeper water. she was glad that she had finally worked over her fear of the water to come to the beach with scott. a few minutes earlier scott disclaimed 'i'm not as good as i used to be at this.' after a few attempts, scott became more confident. he stood up on a few smaller waves and then a bigger one knocked him over. kayla shuddered. her fear of the water left her awed at his ability to even stand up on the 'little waves' that made her heart race even to think of them crashing over her head. by turns she was entranced with watching scott ride the waves and thinking about her life only four short months earlier; sammy, youngstown, pills, locking herself in bathrooms. so much had changed; sunddenly she was knocked out of her reverie by a hand on her shoulder. 'hey kay. didn't expect to see you here this morning.' she cringed at the sound of riley's voice speaking her dreaded nickname. she turned to riley, 'you scared me. sorry about that. ever since we came to the beach last week, i've been promising scott i would come see him surf. today was the first day he could drag my lame ass out of bed this early.' riley sat down next to kayla in the sand. 'so you and scott didn't know each other til you met on the greyhound?' kayla's anger reflex spasmed in her throat. riley always seemed to question her about their relationship. she always got the anxious feeling in her gut that riley was trying to snake scott away from her. but, she didn't want to cause trouble between scott and his friends or scott and her so she never mentioned it. 'yeah; i sat down next to him because it was either him or a little boy and i thought he would be a quieter seat partner. i thought wrong.' kayla smirked. 'so you're from ohio?' 'yeah; the ocean is weird to me.' 'weird? what do you mean by that?' 'well, i've always been afraid of water. and i'm used to the trees, you know the kind that drop their leaves in the fall?' 'yeah, deciduous trees.' kayla looked at riley and a stoner chuckle escaped her before she could stop it. 'yeah, deciduous ones.' riley raised an eyebrow. 'really?' 'really.' riley stood up and picked up her surfboard. 'well, i came by this morning to catch some waves. but it's nice to see you again. i hope you come around with scott more often.' she walked off towards the water with her board under her arm. 060313 ... crOwl scott paddled out of the white water churn and then sat on his board bobbing up and down waiting for another set to come. he turned around to catch a look at kayla sitting on the beach and was surprised to see riley entering the water. he was embarrassed by his lackluster show, but riley's presence made him step it up. as she began paddling his way, stiff hands cutting the blue green water with determination, a new set arrived and he caught the second wave, nearly five foot, a right, almost perfect. he dropped to the bottom and ripped back to the top, timing his execution and whipped his board over the curling lip and back down again. it closed up suddenly so he leapt over it landing flat on his board with a slap. he heard riley yell some kind of positive affirmation, but it was kayla's distant shout of approval from the shore that he strained to hear and it made his heart race. as riley glided over the third wave of the set and sat up near him, scott was still turned around glancing back at kayla. she was standing now along the tideline bent over, her hand in the hardpacked sand reaching for a shell. it was the one thing she did love about the ocean. she even brought a few shells with her from her family trips to the outer banks in the carolinas and kept them displayed on the vanity in the bathroom. since scott never learned to whistle loud, he clacked his tongue on the roof of his mouth to get kayla's attention. she peered up. scott waved. she waved back. "i like her," riley said, dropping flat on her board again. scott glanced over and took in riley's sleek body filling out her wetsuit. "so do i," scott said, blinking. "you guys should come over tonight. it's poker night," riley said, sitting back up. she ran her hands through her wet hair and slung it back off her face. "oh yeah?" scott said, looking out to the horizon. he could see the first wave of the new set forming. "OUTSIDE!" he yelled, dropping flat. riley also got horizontal and they both quickly paddled to prepare. this wave was even bigger than the last offerings.it picked up and they both took off, scott to the left, riley to the right. kayla missed it. she had found a rather lage conch. she couldn't wait to show it to scott. 060315 ... bsc ...a rather large conch. 060315 ... unhinged scott was a little hurt she had missed his best ride of the day, but as their morning trips together became more frequent that seemed to be the way of things. scott always did better when kayla wasn't looking even if he didn't know she wasn't looking. she called it the clymer curse. he smiled as she explained it. 'my sister played softball. she always got really nervous when our dad would come to watch. she told him he wasn't allowed to watch her bat. it didn't matter if she could tell he was watching; she always did better when he wasn't watching. it was like her third eye knew or something. or my brother playing lacrosse. everytime my dad turned the video camera on him in the goal, every shot went sailing right past him. the clymer curse. that's what we call it in my family.' they headed to the house that night for the poker game. kayla decided to sit back and watch. it bothered scott a little that she was so aloof and detached with his friends. kayla claimed it was because she sucked at poker but he watched her turn her hawkeye on everyone in the house. she sat on the couch in the corner sipping a beer keeping one eye vacantly on the t.v. and the other on the poker table. suddenly there was a commotion at the door. a friend of tyler, who was a friend of aaron, was looking for tyler. kayla jumped off the couch and got the door. tyler and aaron both still had their chips on the table for the current hand. 'hey dude, what's all your noise about? tyler is playing poker.' 'dude....dude...no one around here seriously says dude. where the fuck are you from?' he smelled like alcohol and his voice was edgy. he tried to push his way into the house but kayla gently shoved him back outside with her shoulder. 'tyler, do you actually know this guy?' tyler had gotten up from the table after folding his hand when kayla noticed the knife in the strange drunk guy's hand. tyler tried to brush his way past kayla to get outside. kayla stopped him. 'no seriously, do you know this guy?' she grabbed tyler by the elbow and whispered in his ear 'he's got a knife in his right pocket.' tyler was about to push kayla away but the anger melted out of his face as he realized kayla had just saved him a trip to the hospital. 'take your right hand out of your pocket evan.' tyler eventually got the asshole to leave without further incident. kayla resumed her seat on the couch because scott was still in the poker game. kayla proceeded to get rather drunk as scott proceeded to win his buy-in plus $10 back. 'hey kayla, i won third place in the tournament. why don't you come sit on my lap?' 'i don't want to sit on your lap. i want to go out for a cigarette.' it was a habit she had started up hardcore again after she had thrown away the last of her pills which scott was beginning to like less and less. she slammed the front storm door. tom made the wordless ouch face and riley laughed her mean little laugh that scott wasn't too fond of. 'you better go after your woman.' scott slowly stood up and pushed himself away from the table. by the time he got outside, kayla was almost two blocks away and fading fast into the darkness. 'kayla...KAYLA....' she didn't slow down and he ran after her. she kept walking but as he got closer he realized she was rather drunk by the way she tripped over her own feet. drinking was another habit she seemed to frequent more often than she had before. she pretended she didn't hear his footsteps closing in on her and kept her gaze straight ahead. he grabbed her elbow and she violently wrenched it out of his grasp. he reached out again and grabbed her hard enough to make her stop walking. finally, her head swirled around to meet him with a half-frightened look on her face. 'let go.' 'no. not til you tell me what's wrong with you.' 060324 ... crOwl "let go! you're hurting me!" scott quickly released his firm grip on her wrists. the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. kayla rubbed both of them with the thumbs of each hand, trying to press the pain away, wincing. she looked up at him for a brief second, long enough for him to see her helpless dismay and took off again, heading towards the sea. scott was pierced by her sinking desperation and followed close behind her in the light of the street lamps. he could hear her breathing, heavy, labrious gasps keeping time with her troubled heartbeat. the choking bursts of her dire crying beat him like condemning fists. all of her broken pieces falling from her like shards of glass cutting and tearing huge holes in his skin, leaving pools of blood behind them. stray couples out for an evening stroll paused to watch their hurried movements. dogs, being walked, barked and pulled against their leashes, having smelled the strange emotion. scott anxiously tried to reason what it was that was bothering her apart from the memories of her convoluted past. this had become a worn out practice of his, yet, he never gave up. he knew she was uncomfortable with his friends and he was willing to give them up, anything, just to come to an understanding, a place where they could stop and accept who they were now, hold hands, and gaze out to some kind of future together. scott saw two seagulls swirling in the darkness of the coastal fog above the throw of the streetlight. below them, kayla pushed faster. she turned down broadmoor st. heading straight for the water, scattering loose pieces of gravel under her feet. she forced her hoodie over her head. her long brown hair snaked around the edges and waved accusingly back at him. he could feel his chest tightening and he knew it wasn't from the walk or even the confusion from trying to figure out kayla's malaise. it was a feeling that came to him like lightning striking a chosen tree. it burned him all the way to the roots of his being. it filled him with absolute confidence, as if there was nothing else in all the world but this very moment and that everything else that happened from now on was based on what he was about to not just say, or announce or proclaim, but moreso...reveal. he suddenly knew who he was, what he was alive for, what he wanted to be. and this girl who was walking away from him was all that mattered. something had brought them together that day on the greyhound bus. it was a seed planted in the earth of their lives. it was growing even now, as together they heard the ocean crash, smelled the salt water, felt the stiff breeze smack them in the face. and what it was to become hinged on this very instance. for scott, this was the time to act. he was presented with the clearest, most available moment to percieve possibility and potential in its most glorious availability. if not now, when? he followed her to the sand where she stood at the water's edge, her back to him, gazing out to the blackness as if she was beholding the void that wanted to snatch her up, hold her down, drown her until there was no more movement and take her away from her nothingness. they stayed that way for several, timeless minutes, but all the while scott felt he was going to explode for the mounting, threatening to burst desire to speak. finally, he said her name. it came out like the utterance of a magic word. it was his word. the only word he could say. she turned away from the breaking waves and her eyes, puffy with tired contemplation, empty of tears, begged him for what he had to give her. and then, he asked her the only thing that was left inside of his soul. one question was all that remained within him. "will you marry me?" 060326 ... unhinged her mouth fell open in helpless shock. her eyes widened in terror. the look on her face crumbled the hope scott had that she would say yes. 'will you marry me?' 'are you fucking serious or is this just another sick joke to you sammy?' she wanted to throw her phone at the wall and smash it into a billion little inoperable pieces. scott was at work at the factory. 'no babe. i need you. i know things about us were sick...' 'were...WERE...' she started to pant as her chest constricted and she couldn't breathe. 'just come back. move in here with me. let me put a ring on your finger.' 'no. no no no NO.' she hung up the phone, opened the window, and threw the phone out into the backyard. she didn't hear the satisfying crunch as the phone terminally hit the ground. she was hurling violently into the toilet. scott realized she wasn't standing in front of him; well obviously she was physically standing in front of him, but her eyes were vacant beyond the alcohol. she began to shake her head back and forth. 'kayla...?' he caught her as she fell to her knees. 'i told you sammy, no, i won't fucking marry you.' 060330 ... crOwl kayla lost consciousness seconds after her senseless utterance. already on her knees in the damp sand, she fell limp into scott's waiting arms. he was frightened, but tried not to panic and when he could hear her pulse and breathing he knew she was alright, and so he bent down with his knees and lifted her, carrying her like a sick and helpless child across the beach and back to the street from where they came. her eyes flickered slightly as she buried her face against his t shirt. in the light of the street lamp, he looked down at her slightly parted lips and rounded chin, cheekbones that were high, her best feature. with one arm supporting her head and back and the other under her ass, she felt surprisingly light. he felt sorry for her, not because she was shit-faced drunk, but because this was the girl he had just asked to marry him. the girl he was willing to share the rest of his life with. the one he would live with and build an existence with, who would someday bear their children. he wanted to carry her all the way to somewhere they could be, somewhere away from the memories that haunted them, from the ghosts that would not let them alone. maybe she wasn't ready, he thought. my timing sucked, i know. maybe when she's sober. the neighborhood was deserted and he realized it was well past midnight. once in a while a car would drive by, but no one seemed interested or they didn't want to get involved. he kept walking, stopping once to re-do his grip. kayla seemed to gain some sense of sobriety and before scott realized what was happening she violently threw up whiskey and mucous with at least half of it hitting him on the shoulder. still he held on to her becsuse when she was finished she laid her head down on his other shoulder and returned to her oblivious state. finally, he reached aaron's house and freed his right arm to open the door. the odor was making him sick. the poker game was breaking up. only aaron and riley were still playing. they both turned to the door as scott entered, his back to them. "hey scott," riley said, weakly. "hey," scott said. "do you mind if we crash here tonight?" he turned to face them. riley scrunched up her face at the sudden rank smell of kayla's vomit. "i know," scott winced. "i'll clean up. i just want to get her to bed." "is she alright?" aaron asked, standing up. he knocked a green heineken bottle to the table top. riley picked it up and laid her cards down. "yeah," scott said. "she just needs to sleep it off." "you guys look so cute together." riley said, resting her head in her right hand as she stretched down against the table. aaron leaned back in his chair and yawned. "you can use our room," aaron said, pointing to the right. "no...thanks, man. i'll just put her on the couch." "seriously," riley interjected. "go ahead. she stood up and led the way. scott sighed and followed. riley pulled down the covers and scott laid kayla down. riley pulled off her shoes while scott gently removed her hoodie. riley pulled up the sheet and then covered her with a blanket. "go get yourself washed up," riley whispered. scott went into the bathroom, flipped the light switch on and closed the door. he pulled his smelly shirt over his head and then flipped off his sandals, stripping off his shorts and boxers until he was naked. reaching for the knobs of the shower, he turned on the water, feeling for the right temperature and then stepped in. he yanked the shower curtain shut and reached for a bar of soap and scrubbed away at his waiting body, closing his eyes, suddenly feeling the embarrassment of kayla's reaction to his marriage proposal. what a fucking idiot i am, scott thought, watching his dirt and the soap suds like his hopes wash down the drain. he heard the doorknob turn and the light abruptly disappeared, replaced immediately by the soft glow of a candle. he stood still wondering what was going on, letting the warm water fall over him, invigorating him. he could see a shadow of a body undressing through the curtain. it was riley. soon, she was naked. scott watched the curtain slowly open. "can i come in?" she asked. 060402 ... unhinged scott covered himself with one hand and turned around and shut the water off with the other. 'no riley. get out of here.' 'oh come on scott. she's sleeping.' riley started to climb into the tub. 'riley come on. get out of here.' she was standing in front of him in the tub and started to reach out for him. he held his arm out to keep her at a distance while he stepped out of the tub. riley grabbed onto his shoulders before he could push her away. the door opened and suddenly kayla was standing in front of them. 'what the hell!' kayla lunged forward and was scratching at riley. she punched scott in the kidney to get him out of the way. he stumbled forward and slipped on the tiled floor. he smacked his head on the edge of the tub and black spots formed in his vision. 'get off me.' 'what the hell are you doing with my boyfriend bitch?' 'get off me.' there was an added note of fear in riley's voice. then there were some sick thuds and riley's voice was reduced to pained murmurs. scott struggled to get up and then he could see kayla straddling riley's naked body in the tub punching her face and torso as riley tried to protect her face. 'kayla....kayla....STOP.' scott finally stood up and tried to pull kayla up off of riley. she resisted him with her surprising strength but he pulled her up by the armpits. kayla viciously kicked riley in the kidneys and a louder pained moan came from riley. the light came on and aaron stood there silently surveying the nakedness and some of the bruises that were already forming on riley. kayla wriggled out of scott's grip and pushed past aaron to get out of the room. thinking she was safe, riley struggled to get up and reached out towards scott. aaron came forward and tugged on her arm and whispered in a vicious hiss 'looks like you finally got what was coming to you.' but he helped her out of the tub and the bathroom. scott was left alone in shock, standing in the middle of the bathroom naked and still slippery with soap. his legs began to tremble and he reached up for a towel hanging from a hook on the back of the bathroom door. he could hear raised voices out in the house. he wrapped the towel around him and ran towards the commotion. when he got out to the living room, all the heads swiveled towards him. tyler was trying to restrain kayla, somewhat successfully, while aaron stood between kayla and riley. riley was covered up with a blanket. 'kayla, i swear it wasn't what it looked like.' 'why don't you tell her scott?' riley already had a black eye. 'tell her what?' his stomach fell to the floor. 'how you want me and how you've been hitting on me.' 'what the fuck are you talking about riley?' kayla got away from tyler and pushed aaron and riley over onto the couch. 'you are a liar. you are such a fucking bitch. stay away from my boyfriend.' she was flailing and still obviously quite drunk and accidently hit aaron more than a few times. aaron managed to elbow riley up into a ball on the couch underneath him and sit up enough to get a good hold on kayla. 'kayla, come on now. settle down.' 'i'm not going to settle down. i'm still piss drunk and i caught that bitch naked with my boyfriend.' tyler and aaron were silently pleading scott to take his girlfriend out of their hands but scott was dumbfounded at kayla's violence and riley's lies. riley started to talk but aaron turned around and started to yell at her 'you think the rest of us don't know what you are up to? shut the fuck up riley. cause i am not going to stop kayla again; if you keep wanting to antagonize her i'll let her kick your slut ass.' as soon as the whirlwind had started, it ended. 060403 ... crOwl scott managed to scramble back into his clothes, his mind swirling with the recent melee of craziness. he saw riley's scattered clothes on the bathroom floor and somehow it sickened him, bringing back an unexpected twinge of a memory he thought he suppressed. and he didn't even know why, but all he could see was clara laying unconscious and near death on the bathroom floor of the hotel room outside of chicago. maybe it's this fucking unsettledness, he thought. we have to bring this shit to an end. square the fucking circle. as he hurridley stepped back into the living room, bumping into walls, he was relieved to find kayla quieted and calmed down. she was sitting on a hard-backed chair with her arms folded tight across her chest, hood hiding most of her face, gazing stoically out the curtained window to the darkness of the middle of the night. her hair that was visible was a tangled mess and her body seemed chisled from hard stone or ice. riley slunk down in a goodwill couch opposite from her, illumined by a single, flickering goose neck lamp, with a blanket wrapped around her naked body. she was barely visible, hiding from kayla's wrath, under aaron's protective arms. scott caught aaron's introspective gaze as he passed by on his way to kayla and he realized things would never be the same with their fragile friendship. a line had been drawn and crossed, all in one explosive moment. whatever life had existed, if not dead, would soon be. "take her home," he said with his eyes, "and don't ever bring her back." when scott whispered kayla's name, she seemed to ignore him, but then slowly turned from the window. scott extended his hand and surprisingly she took it, gripping it with urgency. he led her to the front door and opened it. kayla stopped before she walked outside. scott was temporarily startled, thinking she was going to stir up a new wave of fighting. instead, she just lifted her right hand and flashed riley a stiff middle finger and then stepped out upon the front porch. scott meekly raised his own right hand and waved. he grabbed the cruiser bike and pushed it down the few steps to the sidewalk. under a starry sky, in the silence except for the distant barking of a dog, kayla straddled the seat and waited. scott stood in front of her, hands gripping the handlebars, but before he pushed forward on the pedals, he twisted his hips to face her, his nose inches from her own. he leaned forward and kissed her softly. her breath smelled sour. she did not kiss him back. he turned around and proceeded. the bike wobbbled slightly and he steadied it. kayla grabbed on to his waist and buried her head into the warmth of his back. scott rode slowly, as if he didn't know where he was going and he realized he didn't. but he wanted to. he wanted to ride to a place where kayla and he could start new from where this monumental event had brought them. he had discovered something new about her, about their relationship. he didn't care about the fighting. she had every right to attack riley. he was touched by her response, by her love for him. he knew she believed him when he said riley was a liar. through the empty streets they pushed on, the scent of salt water growing weaker, the sound of the rubbing cahin strangely becoming kayla's lullabye, for when scott stopped to cross the freeway bridge, he found kayla had fallen asleep. the cessation of movement gently woke her. scott set his feet on the ground and turned around. "hey," he said. "hey." she returned, and a smile, like the hopeful redness of dawn spread across her face. 060406 ... unhinged kayla turned away from scott's expectant stare. 'i'm really sorry...' 'sorry?' 'oh come on scott. your friends hate me now. but i couldn't help it; she was...and you were...and i was...' 'naked and naked and drunk. i'm not upset with you kayla. i was trying to get her to leave when you walked in.' she was staring out at the horizon 'well i would hope you wouldn't try to cheat on me after you asked me to marry you.' scott's heart leapt into this throat. 'so you remember that?' 'i might be drunk scott, but i don't forget anything when i'm drunk. ever. i just never told you about sammy; he called me about a month ago and...' 'yeah?' 'and he asked me to marry him.' she got off the bike and walked to the railing of the bridge. scott kept his distance from her on the bike. he waited for her to continue. she turned back to look at him and he looked at his feet and back at her. 'i don't want to marry sammy scott. i don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. maybe...' she kicked a pebble off the bridge and looked back at him nervously. 'what's wrong kayla?' she gestured for him to come near her. he got off the bike and laid it down near their feet. she grabbed his hands and wrapped them around her. 'it's hard for me to talk about things like this scott. but, you have made me realize that i deserve better than someone like sammy.' a tear escaped before she could stop it. scott tried to reach up to wipe it away but she clutched his hands and wouldn't let go. 'but i still...we haven't known each other for very long. and there's still plenty of things we don't know about each other. i've never really been in a fight like that before, but you watched me beat the shit out of someone tonight and i'm not sure if i like that i did that.' 'so we can be engaged for awhile; as long as you want us to be. i just know that i want you to be in my life for as long as i can hold on to you.' the tears were streaming down her face but she wouldn't let go of him. she looked at her feet so he couldn't see her cry. suddenly she threw her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear 'please, just take me home.' she moved back and planted a long kiss on his lips and he pulled her in close. 060409 ... . square_the_circle_chapter_22_ 060413 what's it to you? who go blather from