left_undone icy oh, yeah, my life... i forgot to finish anything oops 051014 ... icy i still have them - i have not mailed them, sent them, shipped them, whatever. those innocuous little items, once sent back, will take on more meaning than i'm ready to accept and deal with right now. i'm still hurt and working through it. just yesterday, or the day before, i told her she doesn't need to have everything figured out. she doesn't need to know exactly what she wants right now. but i have a creeping suspicion those words were more for me than her. granted, it was cool that she now feels so much better, but it scares me. aren't i supposed to have all my ducks in a row by now? shouldn't i? and at the very least enough to take a stand with the dirty little secret and either let it go or take it to the next level... which sounds so incredibly cheesey, but it's a rather apt description. is it so bad that i *don't* know? why can't i answer that? and so all the deeds are left_undone, questions unasked, all of them whirling about, haunting me, stalking me, popping up at inopportune moments when i'm my weakest and most vulnerable to a hit... ah, such is life. . 051209 ... icy thankyou. thank. you. you pathetic tripe, you psychotic asshole. and this time there is no note, typewritten or otherwise - and when i even would have welcomed it! and now what do you expect me to think? what should be going through my head right now? i can tell you, it's most likely not what you expected. or perhaps it is, and if that's the case, you should have just let it be. no communication would have sufficed. none whatsoever. of any sort. none was needed, none was asked for. now you have helped me and forced me to a decision as resolute and irrevocable as it's ever been. nothing like a jumpstart... i would never, ever really ask you, but i do wonder sometimes... what were you thinking? what did you hope that might possibly accomplish? if this effect was what you planned for, then congratulations. nothing would have been more appropriate. good job. now kiss me goodbye, for to you i am no more. 051227 ... unhinged i have learned the value of leaving certain things left undone. some people think that makes me a little crazy; i do have a habit of walking away at the strangest times. but i have learned the value of leaving some love in my heart. certain people get such a huge piece of my heart from the very beginning that i can't bear to end up hating them. i let someone wring all the love out of me once and over two years later i am just beginning to be able to think of her fondly without my heart ripping a little more. i can't go through that again. 051228 ... icy here's to the dregs of love... that lingering residue that will forever be imbedded in my system. perhaps the purge is left_undone. just don't have the heart anymore. 051228 ... pete dregs are close to what i feel, close but so very much different. it lives, it pulses through me seeking exist, and it has to wait. just a few more days. just a week, or so. the or so scares me at times. the daydreams get more out of hand as the absence goes on. ah well. it's left undone, it'll always be undone, it's a process, it's life. 051228 ... icy but even if love remains, it doesn't always lessen the hurt. the wrenching pain is still there, but i'm not sure why i think it should be gone by now. i should be over this... shouldn't i? and i still have them. now it would be awkward to send them back. i still want to, send them back that is, but i sort of don't know how to do it. especially without eliciting a response. oh, i want so very badly to quit, but i just can't. wtf? 060512 ... stork daddy wtf indeed icy. 060512 ... icy thanx daddy 060512 ... LS realising you had actually taken a right. 060513 ... icy and sometimes it's just that easy... 060515 what's it to you? who go blather from